it’s not about me…

Less than a year ago, I underwent a very profound transformation. I discovered myself, and decided I really liked who I saw underneath all the fear and pain. I shucked it off, and have been growing and developing and changing pretty fluidly ever since. It’s been a long road, but one well worth the time and effort I’m putting into it, because I’m becoming me!

And you know what? I like me! I’m happier and stronger and more secure than I’ve ever been in my life, and it’s wonderful.

However… Lately I’ve been hurting and upset, because I’ve lost three (or four, depending on how you count) friends in as many months. Since I’ve only been My Own Person for less than a year, I began to think there was something wrong with me, and it hurts and has me shedding tears on a pretty regular basis.

I was discussing this with a friend yesterday, and she said something surprising. She said that sort of thing happens to her, a lot. Since I am extremely fond of her, this puzzled me greatly, so we discussed it.

There is a common thread with the three (or four) people whom I’ve lost lately. They each, in their own ways, are not strong, not secure, and not well-formed people in their own right. As I talked with Reesa about this, she pointed out that people who aren’t strong and secure tend to feel very threatened by those who are.

That’s when it clicked. That’s the problem – them, not me. I am strong and secure, I feel good about myself, I like myself. I’ve worked really hard to be who I am, and I am constantly under construction; there is always potential for improvement. I’m pretty consistently monitoring myself for traces of old or new non-healthy patterns, fears, etc. I can no longer even imagine a life where I remain static… and I’m not good yet at appreciating those who choose to remain static.

So, these three people are fairly static, resistant to change, not really into self-work or self-examination, and dislike communication… and now they’re no longer friends of mine, but not by my choice. I fought to keep them, all three of them, and I cried to lose them.

People fear strength in others. The ability to change, to grow, to actually be strong and powerful in one’s own self is extremely intimidating to those who do not believe it is possible for them to do the same. There is also fear from lack of understanding, and fear from lack of control. If I am powerful in and of myself, I might not need you, and I certainly won’t let you control me. These things are frightening to those who lack them. It is a barrier to friendship and connection, but one I think I’m going to learn to accept.

One way to be strong, live well, and successfully fight fear is to surround oneself with those who are also doing those things, after all.