Stop telling little white lies — the difference between 99% honest and 100% honest
by Pace on September 25th, 2008 @ 5:47 pm in
Usual Error Project
Two weeks ago, I stopped telling little stupid lies. Since then, my life has improved by a ridiculous amount.
There is a big difference between 99% and 100%. 100% committed is far more powerful than 99% committed. 100% confident is far more useful than 99% confident. And 100% honest is far more empowering than 99% honest.
99% honest is pretty good, it’s true. The 1% of my dishonesty was mostly either “fudging by rounding” or “little white lies” about trivial and (so I thought) harmless things. Here are some examples.
Kyeli: “Did you see that cute thing Phineas did?”
Me: “Yeah, it was really cute!”
My thoughts: “Huh, why did I say that? I didn’t see it at all.”
Kyeli: “Are you okay with this plan?”
Me: “Yeah.”
My thoughts: “I’m mostly okay with this plan, and that’s close enough that I don’t feel like making a big deal out of it.”
Kyeli: “Today I was talking to *mumble* and she said that *mumble*.”
Me: “Uh-huh.” *nods*
My thoughts: “I didn’t really hear what Kyeli said. Why did I just smile and nod instead of asking her to repeat herself?”
Another thing I did was retell stories to make me seem a little cooler. For instance, I would tell a story as if I had actually thought of the snappy retort at the time, when the truth is that I stood there with my jaw hanging open at the time, and only thought of the snappy retort later that day.
Openness and honesty are very important to me. So why was I being dishonest? I had to do quite a bit of introspection and soul-searching to figure out the answer to that question. Here’s what I found.
1. Conflict avoidance.
I learned to avoid conflict when I was young, and it stuck with me. Many situations in my life reinforced that the easiest solution to any conflict was for me to suck it up. If I could just stop caring about whatever it was that I wanted, the conflict would go away. It’s kind of like a sick, self-destructive version of Buddhism, in that I was letting go of my worldly desires. However, I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons; I was doing it because I was afraid.
Conflict avoidance has been a recurring theme in my self-work. I’m making progress, but I’m still working on it.
2. Lying about trivial things had become a habit.
At some point in my childhood or adolescence, I learned that exaggerating stories made me seem cooler, and that nothing bad happened if I did. I desperately needed to be perceived as cool at the time, so I developed the habit of exaggerating my coolness in stories.
I’ve struggled with social awkwardness throughout my life, and I’m also slightly hard of hearing, so when I miss a few words, I learned that nothing bad happened if I just smiled and nodded.
Similarly for saying “Yeah, I saw that neat thing that you’re talking about!” It was a way for me to feel like part of the in-group when I often felt like an outcast. I clearly remember standing at the bus stop in 9th grade, and Jen Morris (who was very cool) was talking about the Smashing Pumpkins. “I love the Smashing Pumpkins!” I told her, even though I had never even heard of them. And nothing bad happened.
3. Fear that others wouldn’t love me as I truly am.
Deep down, the root of all this was the fear that others wouldn’t love me if they saw me truly. Yep, I’m getting the Tears of Truth as I write this.
I don’t even know where this one comes from. I had a pretty good childhood, my parents loved me, and I’ve had some good, loving, honest romantic relationships.
Regardless of where it comes from, it’s a big insecurity and a big fear. Now I’m a relationship with Kyeli where I feel completely secure. I know wholeheartedly that she loves me and accepts me the way I am, and that our relationship is stable and good. So I can let go of this too. I can be 100% honest, 100% myself, and I can do so despite my fear.
After discovering and processing those three reasons, I was ready to let go of my little white lies and “rounding errors”. It wasn’t like flipping a switch, though. Old habits die hard, and I still tell those little white lies. I still make those rounding errors. But now I catch myself, and I admit when I do it. Here are some more recent examples:
Kyeli: “Did you read Seth’s blog today? Wasn’t it awesome?”
Me: “Yeah, it was really good! *pauses* Actually, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I haven’t read it yet.”
Kyeli: “So, shall we go out on Sunday?”
Me: “Sure, sounds good. *pauses* Actually, I’m only mostly happy about going out on Sunday. Let’s talk about it and see if we have any other options.”
Kyeli: “I read that *mumble* is now changing things around to be *mumblemumble* and a song about milk.”
Me: “Yeah. *nods* *pauses* Actually, I have no idea what you just said. Something about milk?”
It’s always good for Kyeli when I do this. She’s never hurt or offended that I just told her an untruth; instead she’s supportive of me working on breaking this habit.
And now that I’m being 100% honest, everything has become amazingly better! I feel better about myself. I feel more empowered and more open to success. I feel a stronger and deeper connection between myself and Kyeli. And here’s why I think that is.
When you live according to your values, you like yourself.
When you like yourself, you open yourself up to all manner of good things.
If you don’t like yourself, you’ll find ways to sabotage yourself, either consciously or subconsciously. And when it comes to liking yourself or living according to your values, there’s a huge gap between 99% and 100%.
If you do live according to your values, and if you do it wholeheartedly, you may find depths of self-like and self-love that you didn’t even imagine were there.
Whatever you choose, I wish you the best in your journey!
Related posts:
- Honesty vs. Predictability (Intent vs. Outcome)
- why openness is awesome
- the ethics of communication: a question
- the ethics of communication: my answer
- Related posts:
- Where the Juicy Goodness Lies
 Have you read our book, The Usual Error? It teaches you how to solve communication issues with compassion and understanding, how to get rid of needless conflict from your life, how to make your relationships smoother, and how to generally be happier. Also, the illustrations are super cool. (:You can buy it on Amazon or read it for free online. |
10 Comments!
#2 Posted by 
Megan M. on September 25th, 2008 8:10 pm | link
Man, this is a good one too. I have been pretty consistently impressed with the kind of content y’all are putting out here. Holy cow.
I think it’s super interesting that the gap between 99% and 100% holds true in so many different situations. In vocal practice there’s a lot of talk about the work it takes to move from really good to great, and I know I’ve seen similar discussions in other places too.
#3 Posted by 
Oliver Danni on September 25th, 2008 10:13 pm | link
I love this idea!
However, one of the difficulties I have had with putting it into practice (it’s something I work/ed on a lot) is that for me, sometimes that 1% is a safety thing. If I were communicating with someone I have a relationship with like you and Kyeli have, I wouldn’t want to do that; I would want to be 100% honest 100% of the time, hopefully. But I don’t actually have anyone like that in my life, and being able to say “It’s okay that I didn’t share 100% of myself with this person in this situation” keeps me safe from one of my old habits, which was being WAY TOO HONEST and telling people I didn’t know well enough to have such a deep connection with all kinds of personal stuff about me that they didn’t really need or want to know. So I think this works really well for people I want to deepen my connection with, but less well when communicating with people I need to maintain healthy boundaries with which are more distant that what I would want to have with close friends.
An example is the “how are you?” question. When you or Kyeli or someone else I communicate deeply with asks me that question, I know you’re actually wanting to know how I am and so I would give you a 100% answer. If my classmate asks me that question, and I like my classmate and want to become better friends with that person, I might give a 99% answer, especially if I want at least a 99% answer from them, too…I might tell them I’m excited about something coming up this weekend, or that I’m worried about something that happened this morning, but I might not tell them if I’m suffering from constipation or about a situation I’m losing sleep and having panic attacks over (and damn did I reword that sentence about 8 different times to make it public-internet-suitable!) But if the cashier at K-Mart asks me that question, I wouldn’t give them that deep of an answer; I’d save my energy for someone who really wanted my 100% answer. I’d probably just say “I’m doing all right” or “Hangin’ in there” if I’m not quite at “Awesome! Thanks for asking!” level.
#4 Posted by 
Pace on September 25th, 2008 10:55 pm | link
@”Kant”: I always yield in traffic, too. (;
@Megan: Thanks! I’ve seen it in a lot of situations too.
@Oliver: I think there’s a difference between openness and honesty. I think it’s possible to be 100% honest at the level of only being 50% open. I think “Hangin’ in there” would be 100% honest and 50% open. “I’m doing all right” would be less than 100% honest. But that comes back to your point, that it might be one of your core values to be 100% honest to certain people, but it’s not one of your core values to be 100% honest to everyone. And that’s perfectly great, as long as you know yourself and are true to yourself.
#5 Posted by Oliver Danni on September 26th, 2008 6:31 am | link
I think it is less of a “core value” than a “operating system that’s working well for me right now as far as I can tell”. ;-)
Or maybe it’s working less well for me than I think it is, and I just don’t realize it because I’m so used to it.
I don’t know. It’s early and I haven’t slept well. :-P
#6 Posted by 
Mantic-Angel on September 26th, 2008 9:14 pm | link
It’s really nice making that sort of thing a conscious behavior, rather than a bad habit learned out of fear. I think that’s really important! I don’t think there’s anyone I’m 100% honest with, but that’s because I’ve found that being 99% actually works a lot better for me. It’s weird like that – I feel safe doing 100% when I want to, but that 1% compromise gives me a lot of negotiating room for my other priorities. (Hmmmm, “hard discipline” vs “soft discipline” for honesty ^^)
That 1% seems really powerful in both directions – the ability to make compromises, and the choice not to, both seem like a really big deal!
#7 Posted by 
Andy on July 18th, 2009 5:27 am | link
I agree with Oliver, and with Pace’s reply.
Thanks to the way our society works, being 100% honest with everyone is not going to work out very well… but it is partially an openness thing and not really an honesty thing. I do think that part of it is an honesty thing, where you don’t want someone you’re not close to to ask “what’s wrong?” and have to go through the whole backstory with them, or risk offending them by refusing to answer (which is dumb. people should respect other people’s boundaries, but thank you control paradigm for making most people feel entitled to everything ie. control the entirety of the information they have access to), so you’ll lie to make whatever it is seem at least good enough to not be worth asking about.
There’s also way too many people who fall for the “normal people” lie. You know, the cousin to the Usual Error, where people assume that most people are normal, except instead of using one’s personal experience or opinions to measure others, it’s the assumed standards of society as a whole, even if the person propagating this doesn’t match up to the normal standard themselves. If I’m honest, and whatever it is I’m being honest about makes me A Freak, then even if the other person agrees, they’re not likely to respond well, because if they accept whatever it is, then they’re somehow failing to be normal…
#8 Posted by 
Andrew on October 16th, 2009 7:18 am | link
Wow, great post. You’ve inspired me, I’m going to try eliminating my own “rounding errors” now. What a great term :p
Thanks,
Andrew
#9 Posted by 
Mazarine on December 5th, 2009 9:56 am | link
Thank you for posting this.
I was so good at being 99%, but never 100% honest, but since I moved here, I felt, suddenly, that it was necessary to get to that 100%. It’s about becoming more who you are. So in October I was just 100% honest with a friend of mine, about how I really felt about her boyfriend, and she emailed me last night to say we are no longer friends.
And it makes me really sad, because she is a lovely person, and I love her, but if she can’t handle 100% honesty, then I suppose friendship isn’t in the cards for us.
#10 Posted by 
Sarah on January 26th, 2010 10:51 pm | link
Thank you for this post. I have felt this way so often and you put into words so many of the thoughts I’ve had. I too, from this moment, am 100% committed to being 100% honest!
#1 Posted by
Immanuel Kant on September 25th, 2008 7:10 pm | link
Thank you for giving more reason for someone to follow the categorical imperative to always tell the truth. :)