Though we are communication educators, Pace and I are not infallible.

Yesterday, we had a major miscommunication with my brother and mom (hi, Mom! Hi, Tony!) We have major life plans in the works with the four (five, including the Boy) of us – we’re buying a duplex and moving into each half to be near each other. Right now, they live in Dallas and we live in Austin, putting four hours of travel one way between us. Needless to say, this makes communication about such a major undertaking a bit tricky.

We’ve had lots of back and forth. Pace and I are incredibly excited, and our excitement is contagious and tends to burn through all the things Mom and Tony have to deal with on their end. No one’s doing anything wrong, but one minute it’s “right now, let’s move!”, and the next it’s “wait, wait, not right now!”. A lot of miscommunications about the urgency and possibility of the move have happened.

All this culminated yesterday. Tony wrote me an email after he and Mom had a long discussion. The email, from my perspective, was a long list of reasons why they were backing out and not moving to Austin in the foreseeable future. They listed all the things that were blocking the move from happening, clearly stating the reasons behind each block.

I cried a lot, and Pace and I spent several hours talking about what we needed for ourselves, and started tentatively making alternate plans. I wrote a response email, saying that we understood that while they want to move to Austin, it’s not a good thing or even a possible thing for them. I reassured them that I wasn’t mad, that I understood their position, and that we would go forward with what we need to do and hopefully at some point in the future we could make a move together happen.

An hour or so later, Tony replied, utterly baffled. He and Mom had absolutely not been backing out, and were super-confused as to why we were.

I called him in tears. We’d both completely miscommunicated and misunderstood each other. They intended to list the things they were thinking about, the things they needed to work through or deal with before they move, and we’d perceived it as backing out, and our response made them think we were backing out. The whole thing got muddied and confusing to all of us.

Since this is the eleventy billionth time this has happened, you’d think I would’ve learned by now that communicating via email on major things is never a good idea. Oi. It’s far more likely to result in hurt feelings and miscommunicating than any other medium, and when so many people are involved, the phone isn’t much better.

We decided to put all conversations regarding the move on hold for a couple of days. Tomorrow, we will drive up to Dallas to spend a couple of days talking in person, which is far less likely to result in such a major misunderstanding.

Our friends have been reviewing and editing the third draft of the Usual Error book, and the comments are starting to come in! Our favorite so far is on the “checking in” chapter, about the term “twinkle”. Our friend writes:

I wish you would rename this. I feel like I need to relinquish my manhood in order to “twinkle”.

(:

I use eating out for three main things:

1) celebrating
2) rewards
3) financial security

We eat out to celebrate anything from getting a little return from our insurance to getting our blog in the top million. We eat out to celebrate with friends, family, or just us.

I get the desire to eat out to reward myself for various things, and most of the time when I ask, Pace consents. We usually go to my favorite places when this is the case, so it feels very rewarding indeed.

When I was little, my family went out to eat weekly or more, even after my parents got divorced. When I was out on my own, I often couldn’t afford to eat out. Then, when Pace and I got married, our financial situation improved drastically, and we started eating out a lot. This ingrained in me that financial security equals eating out a lot.

A few months ago, I started eating vastly healthier and far less in portions. This has led to internal dissonance – wanting to eat out for my three reasons, but not wanting to eat poorly or overeat. Even in Austin, it’s difficult to find places to eat that fit my strange food habits. And then, as our grocery bill climbs (healthy food is more expensive because that makes sense (sarcasm)), eating out becomes less and less attractive to our budget as well… but the three needs haven’t magically gone away for me.

Today, Megan and I were talking about this. She said she used to have the exact same three things, and she solved it brilliantly, and I will now regale you with the solutions.

1) celebrating
2) rewards
3) financial security

1) Celebrating can be done at home! We can celebrate by inviting friends over and cooking together – someone can bring something interesting to drink, someone can bring dessert, and we can make a meal to share. Sharing food with friends does not have to be done in a restaurant! In fact, I imagine that sharing food prepared by myself with friends would be even more rewarding and celebratory than sharing food in an outside atmosphere.

Oh! In fact, we can even celebrate without inviting friends over! We could have special meals we rarely have, light some candles, take time to discuss our celebratory intent, and really make it feel special and different!

2) Rewarding myself by eating food that actually makes me feel sick seems counter-productive. Megan suggested finding something I really enjoy that’s either a little too expensive or a little too sweet for regular consumption, and get that when I feel I’ve done something to deserve a reward. I think this is fucking brilliant.

3) As I mentioned, buying healthier food does wind up being more expensive. Why not take that expensive eating out and turn it into those healthier groceries? Having financial security provides us with good, healthy food that makes us feel good, food we want to eat and enjoy eating!

I am really looking forward to implementing these awesome ideas. We’ve already burned through our food budget for September, but starting October 1st, we’re going cold turkey (with three exceptions). We’re going to try eating in for 30 days, implement all the above ideas, and see how it goes!

I’m really excited about it!

Dear readers,

Remember the 30-day blog-o-thon? Where we promised Steve Pavlina that our blog would be in the top million websites within 30 days?

We reached our goal today! 913,398, baby!!! We reached our 30-day goal on Day 11! Obviously, this means we need a bigger goal. Let’s see how much higher we can get in the next 19 days! (:

Thank you all very much for reading. We appreciate you!

It’s our first podcast! It’s a mini-podcast: a four-minute overview of the usual error, and we hope you have as much fun listening to it as we had recording it! (:

Podcast 001: the usual error

I’ve been thinking about goals a lot lately.

I’ve really turned my health around and am losing weight and getting into better shape. This works for me for two main reasons: one, I finally found desire (which causes motivation), and two, I learned how to set goals that work for me.

I have a big goal: my desired weight (wait for it! I’m a girl and I’m going to give you my numbers.) is 180lbs. I started at 260 (that was a lot, I know). I set a goal I can’t even imagine, though – I haven’t been under 200lbs since before high school, so I have no real concept of that in my head. Also, I’ve never lost weight before, only gained, so I have very little concept of what losing weight feels like or how it works. I’ve become an expert on weight loss, so I feel confident not only talking about it, but also in implementing what I find.

The most effective thing I’ve found is to break that huge goal into smaller chunks that are meaningful, and find an effective method of rewarding myself when I reach those goals.

For example, my first mini-goal is to get to 234lbs. I weighed 235 when I got pregnant with my son over a decade ago, and haven’t weighed less since. Reaching 234 is also around 1/4th of the way toward the bigger goal. I’m a day or two from reaching it, too! (:

My second mini-goal is 212lbs. 212 is Pace’s favorite number, and I needed a goal between my first and third, so that is perfect.

My third mini-goal is 199lbs. I haven’t weighed under 200 in my adult life, so that’s a big one!

My final goal is 180lbs. Once I reach this goal, I’ll stop focusing on weight loss. I won’t stop focusing on my health, but my focus will shift.

Another set of mini-goals involves pants. I have a couple of pairs of pants that I absolutely loved a few years ago, but then gained too much to be comfortable in them. They’re two different sizes, so one mini-goal is one pair and another is the other pair.

The point of mini-goals is to give myself easily trackable progress, to give myself something to celebrate along the journey. Having one distant goal makes it harder to reach and harder to keep in your head, even if you have a lot of desire and motivation. Having smaller goals along the way keeps you motivated and keeps your goals concrete.

• The Fundamental Equations of Motivational Alchemy

• Becoming an Expert (part one)
• Becoming an Expert (part two)
• Balancing Long-Term Goals and Short-Term Wants
  

This is our first time with Kyeli posting part one of a two-part post and me posting the other half. It’s really fun!

Kyeli gave an awesome overview about becoming an expert, and the three points I want to drill down on are:

1. confidence
2. empowerment
3. how to actually do it

Confidence

We’re not advocating lying about your knowledge or your level of expertise. That would be a pretty silly thing for us to advocate, since we’re all about that authentic communication stuff. What we are advocating is learning enough to be confident.

Take, for example, Kyeli’s shoulder and wrist injuries that she incurred when she was hit by a car. We felt overwhelmed and afraid, because the other guy’s insurance company was really mean to Kyeli, and the first attorney we went to was negative and insensitive. We felt like we were all alone, surrounded by tons of people who were either against us or didn’t care about us at all. Since the situation was so stressful for us, we procrastinated for months. Then one day, we had a conversation about it and figured all these things out — we figured out why it was stressing us out so much. And to fix the problem, I became an insurance claims expert. Sure, I’m not the same caliber of expert as someone who’s been on both sides of the claims process, I’m not the same caliber of expert as someone with a law degree, but these things are not as complicated as they’re made out to be. They’re made out to be complicated so that the people who know the things can charge you money. But the point is that I didn’t need to be that high caliber of expert. I only needed to be expert enough to get the job done, to feel confident, and to be empowered.

Empowerment

When you don’t know anything about a particular subject, it’s easy to fall into the victim mentality. “Oh no, bad things are happening to me, and I don’t know what to do about them because I don’t understand what’s going on!” That leads to a vicious circle of negative feedback and beating yourself up. In the case of the auto accident, we felt like victims (in more than the obvious sense of Kyeli being hit by a car) because we felt like everyone was screwing us over. Bad things were happening to us, and we felt powerless to do anything about it. But then when I became an expert in insurance claims, the tables turned. Now that we knew what to do, we were empowered. And the instant we felt empowered instead of feeling like victims, we took action, and stuff started getting done. Not only that, a huge amount of stress was lifted from us! Even if the other guy’s insurance agent tries to rip us off, we know what to do now, and so we’re far less worried than we would be if we were uninformed and unempowered.

How to actually do it

I usually start by googling lots of stuff related to the topic. I open tons of tabs from all 10 of the first page results, and follow any links that look interesting. I write up a report on what I’m learning, because I learn more effectively if I imagine teaching the material to someone else. Writing a report does that for me. Sometimes, that’s enough. Some people flip out at the idea of trusting anything you read on the internet, but if I read it on a bunch of different sources that aren’t obviously copied and pasted from the same place, I’ll usually believe it. If I’m doubtful, I’ll tack on “urban legend” or “false” or “myth” or “hoax” or “better than” to my search string and see if anything comes up.

That’s often not enough, however. To become an insurance claims expert, I paid a hundred bucks to sign up for a web site created by a higher caliber expert. To become a self-publishing expert, I joined the Self-Publishing Yahoo group, and asked a bunch of questions. The people there were very helpful and informative. I also bought and read a couple of books on self-publishing. But by the time I read one of the books, I already knew two-thirds of the material from my web research. I could have practically written that book! The bar to being an expert is far lower than we’re led to believe.

Next time you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed because a bunch of things are happening to you and you don’t understand what’s going on, consider becoming an expert. You’ll feel confident and empowered, you’ll get rid of a bunch of worry and stress, and you’ll get stuff done.

Related posts:

• becoming an expert (part one)
• Sole Proprietorship vs. Partnership vs. LLC vs. S-corporation vs. C-corporation (how I became an expert on different types of companies)

Avast, limey blog readers! I be yer guest-bloggerrr t’day – this be none other than Pirate Queen Mad KyLee, here from the sparklin’ Emerald Isle jus’ ta write fer ye. T’day, I’m gonna talk ta ye ’bout differin’ peoples.

Usually, I jus’ make anyone who disagrees w’ me ta walk me plank, but I’m tol’ that’s not what ye scurvy dogs wanta be readin’. So I’ll be telling ye a secret. An’ threatenin’ yer lives if’n ye decide to go a’spoutin’ me secret, ye get me?

Al’righty. Now, occasionally, when the sun be blazin’ hot and the wind in me sails has died, methinks to meself, what be wrong w’those landlubbin’ ninjas? Nat’rally, I’ll not be tellin’ me hearties about this, they not bein’ communication lovers like meself. Let’s keep it between you and me, eh there?

I be talkin’ to one, and he shuffles off’n the middle of me very words! Do they not be lovin’ of me tales of wind and sea? Nar, nar! I can’t be understandin’ that a’tall! Mean they terrible insults? It makes me so firey mad, I wanna be slittin’ their limey throats, but then I canna find the buggers, always skulkin’ off and hidin’, the cowards.

Then! Sometimes, they wanna be talkin’ to me, all ninja stars and black pants and bloody stupid hidin’ and the like. Bores a girl silly. More’an one o’ them buggers’s walked that there plank, I’ll tell ya that fer nothin’.

But s’pposin’ a girl wants ta be ac’ually talkin’ to one o’ these myst’rious types. I not be knowin’ how ta! Now, I be tol’ that there be differ’t peoples in’t world, and t’ best way ta talk t’em be ta not make’m walk t’ plank immedi’tly. Ta rememberr there be diff’r'nces in how we all be thinkin’ and talkin’ and actin’ and reactin’.

Truth be tol’, I also been tol’ that my way’sn’ always the righ’ way, but ye folks know tha’s jus crrrrazy talk. Those ninjas can’na know what they be talkin’ abou’, eh?

Oka’, mabbe the buggers do know sommat, but only mabbe, an’ only sometimes, ye hear me tellin’ ye?

An’way, it be good, so I’m tol’, to keep it in me head that not ever’one’s t’ same as meself. Ye might wanna keep it in yer heads, too, ye scurvy dogs.

We’ve discovered that being an expert is far easier than we initially thought. It’s really interesting!

Definitions of “expert” boil down to: a person with extensive knowledge or ability in a given subject, having or showing knowledge and skill and aptitude. I think people mostly view experts, though, as gods of a sort. Experts are put on pedestals and reveared, and we tell ourselves, “I can’t be an expert.” I know I felt that way.

My attitude shift was sparked by Tim Ferriss, in The Four Hour Work Week. Tim talks about the difference between being an expert and being perceived as an expert.

This blew my mind! What? Fake being an expert?! That’s insane.

But… is it insane?

After weeks of talking and thinking, I realized it isn’t actually about faking it. It’s about knowing enough to feel like an expert, and proclaiming yourself as one. (I recommend, however, leaving off the “self-proclaimed” part.) The trick is to know more than most people about anything. If you know more than most people about any one thing, you are an expert in that thing.

It’s really that easy!

Well, I say easy, but it’s not easy. It involves research, study, and desire to be an expert. But it’s not about your education level, your financial level, or your intelligence level. It’s about your desire to learn.

I am a weight-loss expert. I am overweight, and this year, I took it into my own hands to lose weight. After a couple of months of winging it, I found the desire to learn about losing weight, and started studying. I read for days, sorting through the “take this pill” diet crap and finding the real information. I researched weight loss equipment. I bought some weight loss equipment after becoming a heart monitor expert. I could write post after post about weight loss – because I became an expert.

I’m a knee expert. I hurt my knee a few months ago, and while it isn’t severe, it’s not great and not getting better. Last night, I decided to research it and see what I could find, so I spent hours reading about knees, injuries, and treatments. I now have a really solid idea of what’s wrong with my knee and how to help it.

All it took, both times, was a strong desire to learn and perseverance. I needed information, I weeded out the crap, I studied until I not only had what I was looking for, but a good, strong, solid knowledge base so I wouldn’t have to research it over and over, and bang! I’m an expert.

I’m an expert on lots of things, now.

It’s fun and empowering to be an expert! What are you passionate about enough to become an expert on?

When we first started talking about making the Usual Error Project a big part of our lives, we felt conflicted between our goal of helping people and our goal of making money. Not only did we argue about the priorities of these goals, we argued about whether it was ethical to charge money for it at all!

Our situation reminded me of what I’d read about conscious capitalism — I thought it sounded pretty skeezy. It sounded like commoditizing spirituality; selling things that really “ought” to be given away for free. Commoditizing helpfulness and goodwill felt like the same sort of thing to me.

This is the story of why I changed my mind.

After many discussions, some arguments, and at least one drastic life change, we finally agreed on our goals for the Usual Error Project. Here they are, from highest priority to lowest.

1. Help people
2. Enjoy the journey
3. Make money, so we can do more of #1 and #2

When we run our business according to these goals, when we live our lives according to these priorities, amazing things happen. We feel wholeheartedly awesome about making more money (no longer ambivalent or skeezy!), because every dollar feeds our highest priority goal of helping more people. It creates a positive feedback effect, an upward spiral of positive energy and awesomeness!

We’ve found that this upward spiral only manifests if it’s put into action, not just words. If you talk about helping people later, or enjoying the journey later (the deferred life plan), you’ll end up making money later, too. Run your business at the beginning like an itty bitty version of what you envision it being in the future.

Putting this into action has been really fun and rewarding! We took the majority of our startup capital and gave it to a friend to help him achieve his dreams. When another friend generously loaned us some additional money, we agreed on a fun interest rate and he decided to do “something awesome” with the money so gained. We’re rearranging our personal budget (which, in a small business, has a big impact on our business budget) so we can help out a couple of our family members in what we hope will be a win/win situation.

It feels really good, and it makes our priorities concrete. Before we’ve even made a single dollar in profit (in this incarnation), we’re helping people. And now we know, concretely, that when we make more money, we will help more people.

Knowing this — feeling it in your gut — changes everything. I no longer have twinges of guilt when telling potentially interested people about the Usual Error Project. I used to worry about bothering people or being perceived as a spammer. I’m still just as strongly against annoying people and just as strongly against spamming and other forms of interruption marketing, but I no longer feel any twinges when I talk about the Usual Error Project (or our blog) with potentially interested people, for example on a relevant mailing list. Because I’m not doing anything bad, I’m not trying to sucker people out of a buck, I’m not acting selfishly. I’m trying to help people, first and foremost.

What are your goals and priorities in your business? Are you making them real? Are you living according to them? Or are they just words on a piece of paper labeled “Mission Statement” or “To-Do”?