One of our readers asked:

“Do you have some ideas for how to work your communication ideas into a relationship, when the other person thinks you sound like crazy new-age hippies? Or how to even bring up the topic of open communication in a relationship, when there aren’t any specific problems, but you think you could be communicating a lot better?”

Good question!

I suggest first trying the direct approach, then if that doesn’t work, being more subtle (but without being manipulative).

The Direct Approach: Be a Communication Pirate

Be direct and straightforward. Ask for what you need. (Swearing, peg legs, and longing for a life on the sea are optional.)

“Hey honey, what do you think about improving our communication in our relationship? I don’t think anything is wrong, but it might make things even better.”

“Sounds like crazy new-age hippie crap to me.”

Yeah, that’s a bit of a roadblock. Buying your partner a copy of our new-age hippie-crap book is probably right out, too. (: Another common roadblock we’ve seen is:

“Hey honey, what do you think about improving our communication in our relationship? I don’t think anything is wrong, but it might make things even better.”

“If nothing is wrong, then everything’s fine, right? If everything’s fine, then there’s nothing to fix. So don’t worry about it.”

Communication can be scary.

Communication can be a scary subject. Deepening communication could mean digging up some things that have lain buried for a long time. It might mean you’ll be getting emotional. It might mean you’ll be doing some introspection. It might even mean that your relationship will become more intimate and that you will be — don’t say it — vulnerable.

Why is it scary for you?

To get past these roadblocks, it’s best to go to the roots instead of putzing around with the branches. What does “new-age hippie crap” mean to you? Why do you find it uninteresting or distasteful? What stereotypes do you have about new-agers or hippies? Or crap, for that matter? (;

What’s so scary about trying to make things better even though everything’s fine right now? Are you afraid that our relationship might sink if we rock the boat in any way? Why are you worried about that? Is it because of some other issues between us?

Or is it because it’s scary to dig things up inside yourself? Is it because it might take you outside of your comfort zone into the scary realm of vulnerability? Is it frightening that you’d be taking more responsibility if your inner workings were more transparent?

Be on the same team.

Be supportive and loving. Be on the same team — you and your partner working together to solve these mysteries and support each other. Don’t be an interrogator — I know I sounded a bit like I was giving you the third degree in the above paragraphs.

Try using “I” statements. Talk about how communication has improved your life. Talk about what you find scary about it and how you are working through it.

Plunder the Booty!

If it does work, and your partner opens up to the idea of improving communication skills, individually and with each other, then that’s wonderful! Steal as many useful ideas as you can get your hands on (ours are free for the plunderin’) and share them with your partner. Be sure to introduce them in a positive way that improves both of your lives, so your partner will be glad they opened up to communication.

However, I could be making the usual error with these suggestions. I’m talking about getting past roadblocks to communication with… communication. If your partner is resistant to communication, then the direct approach may not work well. In that case, you may wish to try…

The Subtle Approach: Be a Communication Ninja

If your partner isn’t interested in improving their own communication skills, you can try the subtle approach. You can still work on your own communication, and hope that some of the changes catch on.

“Hey honey, I know you’re not interested in all this new-age hippie communication mumbo-jumbo for yourself, but I’d still like to improve my own communication skills, and that will affect the way the two of us communicate. If it becomes an issue, let’s talk about it, okay?”

At this point, it becomes a matter of boundaries. Do you want to carry the communication burden for two people? How much extra communication responsibility are you willing to take on? Ask yourself this question and listen clearly for an answer. Check with yourself every once in a while to make sure you’re not setting your boundaries out too far and taking on responsibility you’re not happy with.

But to the extent you’re comfortable with, you can…

Work new concepts into conversations.

We find the catchy names like “the usual error” and “the William James zone” to be very helpful in remembering important communication concepts and calling them to mind in useful situations. But if your partner doesn’t want to work on their communication skills, then talking about the concepts without naming them might be more useful.

Instead of saying, “Oh, I think I just made the usual error,” you can say, “Oh, I accidentally assumed that you would react the same way I would have reacted.” Instead of saying, “I’m just stuck in the William James zone, please give me a few minutes,” you could say, “I’ve got adrenaline and angry juice flowing through my veins, it’s nothing personal, I just need a few minutes to let it run its course. I need to let my body calm down before my emotions can calm down.”

This idea of working new things into conversations and hoping that others pick up on them is similar to a technique used in unschooling called strewing. Leave interesting things lying around in the hope that your child will play with them. An important difference is that your partner is not a child, and so there’s a fine line to walk…

Don’t be manipulative.

We’re not suggesting that you be an evil ninja. We’re suggesting that you be a good ninja. Don’t hide your ulterior motives. Come right out and say it.

“I know you know this, because we talked about it before: I’m interested in improving our communication in our relationship. I know you don’t want to change your own communication style, and I respect that. I’m changing my own communication style mostly because I want to for myself, but I want to be totally open and above board with you — I’m hoping you’ll like some of these changes and pick up on some of these things too. I just wanted to let you know; I’m not trying to be sneaky about it.”

Make it a positive experience for your partner.

When you do work new communication techniques into conversation, be sure to do so, at least at first, in ways that make your partner’s life better. Instead of excitedly pointing out, “I think you just made the usual error! This is great, this means this argument is probably just a miscommunication,” bite your tongue. Wait until you make the usual error. Then you can say, “Oh, I think I just made the usual error. We can work out this argument much more easily now, because I think it’s probably due to a miscommunication and a mistaken assumption on my part.” It’s the same principle behind “I” statements. Your partner is much less likely to react defensively when you point out something about yourself.

Avoiding needless conflict and resolving arguments peacefully are good things. If you can use your newly acquired communication skills to introduce more peace, harmony, and goodness into your relationship, maybe your partner will reconsider their opinion on this new-age hippie crap.

That’s about all I’ve got for now. I hope this helps. (:

In addition to the paperback book (which will be available for preorder soon!) we’ll be releasing the e-book and the audio book online for free! As soon as the book is published on Amazon, we’ll post one chapter in the blog each week, in both text and MP3 format. We’ll have a discussion with y’all about the topic of the chapter and answer any questions you have. Then, when all the chapters have been posted, we’ll wrap them all up in a nice PDF that anyone can download.

As a sneak preview, you can listen to Chapter 1 of the audiobook here! (8:36)

We’re releasing the entire book, in all its forms, under the Creative Commons Attribution Non-commercial Share Alike License (by-nc-sa). This license lets others remix, tweak, and build upon this work non-commercially, as long as they credit the authors and license their new creations under the identical terms.

Some people have said that it’s bad business to give away the entire e-book and audiobook for free. They’ve suggested giving away just certain chapters as a teaser and selling the rest. We’re not worried, though. People still like to have paper copies of books that they can hold in their hands and carry around with them, so we’re not worried about it hurting sales of the paperback. And anyway, the usual way of handling copyright is far too restrictive; it’s important to us that people to have free and easy access to good stuff about communication.

When it comes to giving e-book versions of paper books away for free, we’re in good company. Cory Doctorow thinks it’s a cool idea, and he releases all his books as free downloads. Neil Gaiman released his best-seller American Gods as a free e-book (temporarily), and sales quadrupled. If you know of others, big names or small, please leave a comment. I’m accumulating a list. (:

We’re very excited about sharing the book with you, in all its myriad forms. We’ll let you know when it’s available for preorder!

Thursday night, I got sick. I’ve been out of commission since. My head hurts, my nose isn’t working properly, my joints ache, I’ve got a killer cough, and it’s all I can do to be semi-coherent through the fog in my head.

Even the movie The Fog didn’t have this much fog. Sheesh.

In the meantime, Pace spent the weekend working at top speed. She, Megan, and Marty were working long, intense hours to get our book ready for publication. I spent most of the time sleeping or hacking, but I’m told the book has been sent off to the printers – which means it’s only a matter of days before pre-orders are announced!

In a lovely finishing touch, Marty finished up his illustration of Pace and me for the back of the book. We’ll put it permanently on the blog at some point, but for now, you can bask in its glory here.

We really love it. We wanted a picture of us, but we wanted to stick with the fun, lighthearted style of the book, so we asked him to draw us. It’s perfect. He even remembered my eyebrow ring! (:

I’m so incredibly proud of my team. The three of them really pulled it together and pushed themselves like… something really pushy… maybe a soccer mom? to get the book put together, proofread, designed, and finished. They met and exceeded our hopes because they are made of awesome.

We even have a logo for Connection Paradigm Press, our publishing company! In an awesome moment of clarity and inspiration, I spouted out an idea for it, and true to form, Marty created it, and it’s totally amazing and wonderful. It birthed from the only moment of clarity I’ve had in days, so I’m particularly pleased.

I’m grateful to those people who did last-minute proofreading for us. I’m not even sure who you all are, because I’ve been too sick to be in the loop, but you’re awesome and I appreciate your help. I’m also extremely grateful to Pace, Megan, and Marty – I’m extremely grateful to have the three of the awesomest people in the world in my camp, working hard for our passions even when I’m too sick to get out of bed and be sweet to them.

“We said we would look into other conference call sites, but we didn’t,” said Kyeli.

“We haven’t yet,” I interjected.

Mayhem ensued.

I had stepped on one of Kyeli’s landmines; she feels that I don’t acknowledge the differences between our concepts of time. For me, “now” is the current instant, but for her it’s the whole current day. “We didn’t” versus “We haven’t yet” triggered this landmine of time once again. And the reason I felt the need to interject was because Kyeli had accidentally stepped on one of my landmines; my insecurity about failing to Get Stuff Done.

Once we talked through our feelings and triggers, we got to a place where we could explore our differences without anyone getting blown up. We found some interesting things.

“didn’t” vs. “haven’t”

For me, “We didn’t do this” implies that it’s now too late. There was a time to do it, and that time has passed. “We haven’t done this” implies that it’s not yet too late.

For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing. It’s not yet too late.

“I didn’t open it” vs. “I haven’t opened it”

Let’s say we’re conversing about some event in the past, for instance my trip to Finland, and I’m telling you about a present I received while I was there. If I say, “I didn’t open it,” I mean that I didn’t open it during my trip to Finland. But if I say, “I haven’t opened it,” that means that not only did I leave it closed during the Finland trip, it’s still closed now.

For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing. It may or may not be open now. Now if I had said, “I haven’t opened it yet,” that would mean it’s still closed now, but “I haven’t opened it” is still ambiguous to her.

“I didn’t visit my family” vs. “I haven’t visited my family”

Imagine it’s nearly the end of the year. If you say, “I didn’t visit my family this year,” I’d be really surprised if you then go and buy last-minute plane tickets. But if you say, “I haven’t visited my family this year,” I wouldn’t be surprised, because for me the present perfect tense (e.g. haven’t) indicates potential openness whereas the simple past (e.g. didn’t) indicates closedness and finality.

For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing.

The usual error strikes again!

Our miscommunication was, of course, caused by the usual error. I was using my definitions of words and tenses to interpret Kyeli’s words, and she was using her definitions to interpret my words. I’m glad we got to the bottom of our miscommunication, because I feel closer to Kyeli now that I’ve learned something new about how she sees the world, and I find our different viewpoints on time and tense really interesting.

We’d be interested in hearing your viewpoints, too. (:

Our brilliant and intrepid illustrator, Marty Whitmore, has done it again.

Many moons ago, we held a small contest to help us choose one lucky rising star from our masses of talented friends to be our illustrator for the book. We asked the entrants to illustrate the concept of the usual error, since that is the title of the book and of the project.

Marty’s entry won first place, and here’s his original picture.

We thought it couldn’t get any better than that, but that was a long time ago – back when we barely knew the awesomeness of Marty, when we only knew the tip of the Marty iceberg.

When he told us, a few weeks ago, that he was going to redo the illustration of the usual error and make it even better, we scoffed at him. We said, “No way can it get better!” We said, “We love it as is, but if you want to make a new one, be our guest.”

Par for the course, Marty blew us out of the water. Here’s the new one:

He did exactly as promised: he made it even better. It’s spectacular, perfect, and totally awesome – and it’s not even in color yet!

While Marty finishes up the illustrations, Megan is hard at work on the layout of the book. Then the text and the illustrations will come together like a solar eclipse, so bright that it blinds everyone who looks at it directly. Only far less dangerous.

We can’t wait to release the book and share all of the goodness with you. Not much longer, now!

Hey everyone,

I wrote a guest post for Assume Love. It’s about miscommunication, the usual error, and assuming love. Check it out!

The Assume Love blog has a lot of good stuff about keeping committed relationships healthy. If you’re into that sort of thing, you might enjoy the other posts as well. (:

Today is our fourth anniversary, and in a way, our first.

We’ve grown as individuals and as a couple more in this past year than ever before. We’ve come from an unhealthy toxic relationship based in fear, and moved into a remarkably healthy, mutually beneficial relationship based entirely in love and respect.

We love each other more now than we ever thought possible. We’re closer now than we ever thought possible. We’re happier now than we ever thought possible.

Pace is my partner in business, in life, and in love. We’re creating our life, shaping it into what we want it to be, sharing life and love and laughter every step of the way. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Four years today, baby, and hundreds more to come. (; I love you.

I name everything. I name all my electronics, my kitchen appliances, my gadgets, my car, my computers, anything that winds up in the bed (pillows, stuffed animals, etc). When I was little, I named every single toy, all my dolls, all my stuffed animals – and I remembered everyone’s name, and said goodnight to everyone before sleep. (My dad, bless ‘em, had to kiss everyone and say goodnight to all 50 of us before he could leave my room every night.)

I don’t just name things, though. I sit with things and let them tell me their names. Any time I name something different from what I get, I eventually cave and change it. I wanted to name my cat Morpheus, but his name is Phineas, and after I played with him for a few hours I knew Morpheus would never stick ’cause it wasn’t right. I’ve known every car I’ve ever sat in, whether it was mine or not. I’ve named trees and rocks and rivers, lamps and keys and wallets.

My iPod’s name is Silverfish. My car is Aimee. My microwave is Lamar. My pillow is Benny. My laptop’s name is Abbi. My bass is Lilith. My cell’s name is Mot.

I used to be afraid of technology. Terrified, in fact. I started buying CDs only when my third cassette of Jagged Little Pill broke and I couldn’t find a replacement. I started buying DVDs only when I couldn’t find Moulin Rouge! on VHS. I got a cell phone after our landline phone company took three months to get our landline installed, and even then failed to get it right – I spent four months with no phone whatsoever to avoid getting a cell, but finally acquiesced.

As I grew more into myself, I became more of a technopagan and realized that all things are connected. Each creature, be it technological or natural, has a spirit. I opened up and started listening to those spirits, and they gave me their names. It brings me closer to the gadgets and whatsits I use in my life and brings me joy and connection. I suspect it extends the life of my gadgets, too – we’re connected, so I often know when something is about to go wrong and can do preventative care. Plus, we’re friends so we want to treat each other well and work well together. (:

I hug my things, too. One night after a particularly grueling work session, I hugged Abbi (my laptop). It felt so good and made me so happy, I decided to do it more often. I sing sweetly to my iPod, I thank my microwave, I feed the fires of my stove, I dance for my refrigerator. I pet my car, kiss my TV, and snuggle my hoodie. All of this may seem silly, but it increases the amount of affection in my life. It makes me happy, lifts my spirits, and reminds me that I’m not alone even if I’m the only human around. It also helps me slow down and remember that I’m part of something bigger, reminds me of the connection I have with the world at large.

This is one of the biggest changes in my personal paradigm, one of the clearest ways in which I’ve grown. I used to be technophobic and now I’m a technopagan. I used to live in fear and now I live in love. I used to need control over, now I have connection with. This is a very real part of how I’m embodying the change I want to see in the world – I want a shift from the control paradigm (where fear rules and we’re oft disconnected and lost) to the connection paradigm (where love rules and we’re always connected and fulfilled).

Next time you’re feeling lonely or disconnected, hug your laptop. Sing to your iPod – it won’t care if you can’t carry a tune. Be grateful to your microwave or stove or pots & pans for helping you have food. Appreciate your TV or PS2 or Wii for providing you with entertainment. Pat the roof of your car. Listen. Feel your connection with things typically taken for granted, and see how your life is enriched!

My friend Hayden Tompkins recently posted about a topic that’s been on my mind a lot lately: communicating with your in-laws. But her post got me thinking about it from a different perspective. It got me thinking about my spiritual path and my internal tension between inner work and outer work.

I believe strongly in personal and spiritual growth, and I also believe strongly in making the world a better place. I’ve struggled with this tension for many years and I’ve eventually come to the conclusion that my spiritual path is not an ascetic or solipsistic one. It’s not one that focuses on a hereafter or any sort of supernatural or otherworldly concerns. As B, my path focuses on this world, the one we live in.

I believe that we are all one — here and now. Not that our souls, now separate, will eventually join together in some other place. I believe that we are all one in this world. My path is to share this awareness with others.

However, no one can do self-work for you. No one can introspect for you. No one can do spiritual growth on your behalf. It has to come from within and can’t be forced down your throat. So running around and telling people “We are all one!” isn’t going to do a lot of good, because most people aren’t in a place to listen.

So my path is to pave the way for others to follow their own spiritual paths. To do this, I do my best to be a model, to be the change I want to see. I’m also working on making the world a better place, so that others will be free to pursue their own paths of personal and spiritual growth. People stuck in the ghettos aren’t free to do that. People caught up in hate, war, and racism aren’t free to do that. People stuck in the control paradigm aren’t free to do that.

I’m not doing anything about war or the ghettos, although I support those who are. Instead I’m focusing on bringing about a paradigm shift, from a control paradigm to a connection paradigm. For instance, I’m teaching communication skills, to help people connect with each other (and themselves!) more authentically. In the connection paradigm, people are free to pursue their own paths of personal and spiritual growth. And that sounds like a pretty awesome paradigm to me. (:

I’m working on developing the habit of being happy. Experience has shown me that being happy is something you can practice and become better at. To help me make a habit of being happy, I’m working on several supporting habits.

1. Drinking more water. I’ve noticed that I often feel “cottonheaded” when I’m feeling grumpy, depressed, or overwhelmed. My eyes feel like they’re set back a little further in their sockets instead of being at the forefront, my thoughts feel like they’re slogging through mud, and my head feels like it’s wrapped in cotton. I move and react very slowly and become incapable of solving problems that require creative thought. Then, as soon as I have a glass of water, clarity returns. So I’m taking a page from Kyeli’s book and trying the eight-glasses-a-day thing. Except that I’m trying to drink eight 16oz glasses a day instead of 8oz glasses, so that’s quite a lot of water. My bladder is having a hard time adjusting and I’m making lots of bathroom trips, but Kyeli tells me it gets a bit better in a couple of months. Being hydrated is a major help! I’m much happier and much less cottonheaded when I’m well hydrated. Keeping a bottle of water in my purse has helped a lot in keeping the habit going.

2. Eating healthier. Again inspired by Kyeli, I’m doing a 30-day trial of being vegan. I’ve been a vegetarian for a long time, but that doesn’t mean I was eating well. I ate lots of cheese pizza and other such foods high in carbs and loaded with cheese. Eating heavy meals often led to me feeling lethargic and cottonheaded, and that’s been happening a lot less since I’ve been vegan (and actually eating vegetables!)

3. Eating smaller meals more often. This has required some logistical changes in my routine, but helps a lot in avoiding the food coma after a big meal.

4. Avoiding caffeine. I didn’t really intend to do this, but since I’ve made these other changes in my habits and lifestyle, I’ve found that I haven’t been as sleepy and lethargic, except on Mondays when I wake up at 5:30 for Toastmasters. I haven’t really needed caffeine, so now that I’ve noticed, I’m officially making it part of the 30-day trial too.

5. Exercising 3 times a week. I’ll play Dance Dance Revolution (actually Stepmania or In The Groove) on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for at least half an hour, and I’ll pay attention to how I feel on those days versus the other days.

6. Slowing down. Enjoying the journey.

7. Tasting my goals. Remembering the passion that fired me to choose this path in life.

8. Asking for help. Kyeli asked me for a list of things she could do to cheer me up if I’m feeling down or depressed and she wants to try cheering me up. Happy music, a yummy snack, a walk outside, a shoulder rub (I often store my stress in my shoulders), making me laugh, or any of half a dozen other things can cheer me up, and then as soon as I feel cheery I remember that I enjoy being cheery. (: It’s enough to get me out of the rut I’m stuck in.

So far it’s been going really well. I’ve been feeling a lot less cottonheaded, down, stressed, and unmotivated, and feeling a lot more happy, slow, and lighthearted. At the end of the month I’ll let you know how the 30-day trial went. I’m feeling pretty darn good so far. (: