You know what I think of people who ask for forgiveness, not permission? I think they’re inconsiderate jerks.

How would you feel if your spouse borrowed your car keys without asking, leaving you stranded at home all day, and then apologized for it afterwards? I don’t know about you, but I’d think your spouse was an inconsiderate jerk.

How would you feel if your spouse cheated on you, let you know afterwards, and asked for forgiveness? Sounds like a pretty inconsiderate and jerky thing to do, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it be better to ask for permission instead? Discuss what needs aren’t being met and how to make it better? Maybe figure out ways to improve the relationship as-is, maybe consider polyamory? By talking about it rather than acting first?

Okay, this is the end of the guest post from Bitchy Pace. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Pace.

I don’t feel like I’m going out on a limb by suggesting that it’s a good thing to be considerate of others. So why do so many of my friends swear by this mantra of inconsiderate jerkitude? (Or would that be jerkitudinosity?)

I’ve applied Miller’s Law and come up with two guesses.

My first guess is that they believe it’s a good thing to be considerate of others whom you respect. If, for instance, you don’t respect your parents, then just do whatever you want and ask for forgiveness afterwards. Don’t limit yourself by the rules of The Man. Damn The Man and don’t ask Him for permission. I can get behind that. Flout the rules if you disagree with them. Cool, more power to ya.

My second guess is that people apply it in a business setting and don’t carry it over to a personal setting. If your boss gives you permission to do something risky, she’s sticking her neck out on the line for you and she’ll take the fall if your risky venture fails. If, on the other hand, you just go ahead and do it, asking for forgiveness instead of permission, your boss looks good if you succeed and the risk falls entirely on you if it fails. That makes sense. It’s a symptom of a job culture that I think is pretty fucked up, but within that context, it makes sense.

What do you think of the saying “Ask for forgiveness, not permission,” and if you like it, what does it mean to you?

I promise not to call you an inconsiderate jerk. (:

Ever notice how “good” has become synonymous with “obedient”?

I took my cat, Phineas, to the vet a few weeks ago. When I picked him up, the vet and the nurse said to me, “He’s such a good cat!” They went on to tell me how he didn’t fuss or fight them and was very well-behaved.

Sometimes when Dru and I go shopping, people remark on what a good boy he is – he’s quiet and a little shy in public, so he tends to come across differently than he does at home.

This is related to fierceness, which we talk about a lot. Society has this myth wherein one must be complacent and obedient or one is labeled violent, and there’s no middle ground. But that’s stupid and wrong.

Fierceness is the middle ground.

You don’t have to be a doormat or a steamroller. You can stand in your power and hold your own boundaries without trampling anyone else, but we’re certainly not taught that. And it’s reinforced in the way we talk about our animals and our children – if they’re complacent and obedient, they’re good. If they whine, struggle, fidget, cry, or stand up for themselves, they’re bad.

If Phineas had fought the vet when she gave him a shot – if he’d attempted to defend his boundaries and protect himself – she wouldn’t have praised him or called him a good cat. More likely, she would have said he was a troublemaker or difficult. We do the same thing to our children. When a baby is quiet and doesn’t cry often, they’re referred to as a good baby, and vice versa, when a baby cries a lot, be it colic or grumpiness or whatever, they’re lumped in with the bad kids. If a child tires of being bullied and finally fights back, that child is often treated as the aggressor, even though they were defending themselves and their boundaries – often in the only way they know how.

Often, we justify boundary breaching with “it’s for their own good.” It’s certainly “for his own good” for Phineas to get a shot if he’s sick. It’s “for his own good” for Dru to take medicine if he’s really sick. But when they defend their boundaries, when they protest or struggle – that’s natural behavior! It’s not bad or wrong, it’s in our nature to defend ourselves against perceived attacks.

Getting a shot certainly seems like an attack, especially if you don’t speak the language of the shot-giver.

It’s also in our nature to protest when our state is out of balance. When a child has to sit still, it’s unsurprising when they get fidgety – but only the sitters get the praise.

I’d like fierce to mean good. I’d like to hear people say, “What a good cat! He defended his boundaries when he was attacked!” or “What a good girl she’s being; she’s crying because she’s hungry!” If we could shift our viewpoints when we look at our children and our animals, we could shift our viewpoints when we look at ourselves and each other – and fierceness would become commonplace.

I’d like that.

The other day, I was thinking about how nearly every alien movie I’ve seen involves the aliens coming to Earth and utterly destroying everything ever or making us all into mindless slaves forever until some clever humans figure out how to kill them or make them go away.

I hate this plot with a firey burning passion. If and when aliens come to Earth, they’re far more likely to do something completely alien to us because they’re aliens! Either that, or they’ll pity us or make peace with us or something. So I got to thinking, wtf? Why is Alien Rampage such a common plot device?

Then it hit me – it’s because of the usual error!

No, seriously! Throughout history, when Mother Culture Humans would find a less advanced civilization, they would utterly destroy it or make it submit to them. Native Americans could tell you all about that. So could the Druids, the Aztecs, the Mayans, Australian aborigines… and the list, sadly, goes on and on.

It’s such a common behavior, in fact, that many people think it’s “human nature”. (It’s not, but that’s a different post.) Since it’s that common, we make the usual error and assume other species would act the same as we do. And then that makes us afraid, because that means we are the less advanced civilization sitting pretty, ripe for the conquering. And thus, a horrible, overused plot device is born.

I think the other part of this pathetic plot is our egotism, which makes people think that only a vastly advanced alien race could be our downfall, but I’m sure you can figure out what I think of that.

Anyway, let’s hope those aliens won’t be so… human. What I really hope is that those who think it’s human nature to be pointlessly cruel or senselessly violent will eventually die off and the rest of us can greet the alien visitors with peaceful apologies for our past behavior and otherwise open arms.

Hah. Barring that, maybe we can at least befriend the aliens and they’ll share awesome technology with us before they make us all their slaves. (;

I used to love Torrid. But I think their marketers need to be fired and replaced with Seth Godin, or someone on his team.

A while back, I accidentally subscribed to Torrid’s newsletter (which is almost impossible to un-subscribe from). I get something from them nearly every day. Too much! It’s become spam, and I never even look at it anymore!

On top of that, they do this horrible thing: they offer me $25 off^*.

*a purchase of $100 or more

This is not a reward. Gah! I don’t feel rewarded at all! I feel like they’re trying to trick me! The “fine print” is way down at the end of the image-intensive email, buried in a bunch of stupid crap stuff I never read, so I nearly missed it the first time around. The second, third, fourth, and so on times, however, I searched it out.

The offer varies, but the catch remains the same.

If you are going to reward me, actually reward me! If you want to tempt me into your store, give me $25 off with no catch – or even just $10 or $5. This fake reward with a catch not only doesn’t bring my business, it pushes me away. I won’t buy from them anymore because I’m super irritated at the spam in my inbox full of fake discounts.

Another thing that really gets me is the fake “handwritten” thank you. Last year, we’d ordered from Mr Gatti’s Pizza some ten times in as many weeks. (We don’t eat that way anymore, thank the gods.) On our last order, there was a handwritten note that simply said, “We appreciate your business! Thank you!”

Sweet, right?

Well, had it been real… The very same note, in the very same handwriting, was on the second pizza box. I was perplexed – who can write every letter exactly the same twice? Waaaaait a minute! This note is Xeroxed!

Yup. A fake note of gratitude, made to look real. Come on, people. A little real gratitude for your loyal customers would be a thing to remark on, something to make us talk about your company and you for a long time, and something that would likely bring far, far more business to you in the long run. I mean, really, how hard is it to write a little thank you note, personalize it, and send it to every order for a week (once, on one box)? Not that hard – and I know! We just signed and personalized 100 books!

Torrid may worry that I won’t spend enough money there to make giving me $25 off with no catch a safe bet. But had they done so, I’d've spent far more than $25 measly bucks there by now. Maybe there’s a few shmucks who’ll go in and spend exactly $25, use their certificate, and leave having spent not a single penny of their own money, but by and large, customers will go in and spend at least $50, because that’s how much a single frigging shirt costs there.

No catch, big benefits for your company. Put a catch on there, and not only do I not feel rewarded, I feel cheated. Bad move.

This time of year, a lot of us are spending time with people we see rarely and interact with poorly. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting awfully tired of hearing aunts and uncles and cousins remark on how grown up I am. I’m 30, fer crying out loud. I’m grown. Give it up!

I’m also getting tired of people assuming I’m exactly the same as I was when I was 10. I’ve come a long way in the past 20 years, and even further in the past 12 months, so not only does this assumption make their view of me completely inaccurate, it’s also offensive to me because it so heavily implies stagnation. I know you haven’t done any self work in the past decade, Aunt Melda, but I do it all the time, so stop assuming I’m still into Fruit Loops and footie pj’s!

In this situation, I’ve found that it’s really important to start over from where you are now. I think a lot of us have this desire to go back to the way things were, but it’s not helpful and often makes those sticky assumptions even sticker.

If you start over, you get to be who you are now, not who you were then (whenever then is for you). And who you are now is strictly better than who you were – because it’s you. Right now.

This is true for relationships as well as family. If you and your lover have a huge fight and things change, wishing you could go back isn’t going to help. It’s harmful, in fact, because it blinds you to the reality of how things are now, and now is all we’ve got. If you don’t like now, then the best thing to do is change your now. However, focusing on the way things were is natural and not wrong. It’s okay to feel however you feel whenever you feel it.

So if (or when) you find yourself in a situation that’s causing you to wish things could return to a previous way, think on it. Spend some time with those feelings, see what you’re missing, and see if you can find a way to have that now. Start over with all the knowledge and experience you hold within yourself now – what an awesome advantage.

You need to be the change you want to see in the world because without us, there is no change in the world.

We are all one. No, I really mean it. Really really, right now, right this second. We’re all gods, we’re all stars, we’re all dust, we’re all bits of the same soul. We create our universe. Our paradigms and our self-images shape our world, and if we shift those, we shift the world.

Real life is Mage. I live in a world where “superbowl” is a weird word with no meaning and doesn’t get capitalized. I live in a world of positivity. I live in a world where I can get what I want and what I need because I know I can get it. I live in a world without harmful, manipulative relationships because I chose to put a stop to their existence in my world. I live in a world surrounded by people who know me and love me for who and what I am, not for who and what I’m not. In my world, buildings are built with magick, roads are paved when no one’s looking, faeries dance, dragons still breathe fire, unicorns are still in the world in secret places, and I have rats as pets, even with cats.

We give our power to higher divinity because we’re too terrified to claim it for ourselves. We siphon it off in spoonfuls, big and little, to everyone around us because oh man is it risky to own it, to stand in it, to revel in our power. But that higher power, that divinity?

That’s us.

There is no god and we are all god. There is no higher power and we are the higher power. There is no magick and we are all magick. We are they are he is she is we are. We are the wind, the rain, the pebbles, the ocean, the earth and the Earth. We are the mother and the father, the grass and the desert, all creatures great and small. We are each other, I am you and you are me.

I have statues on my altar, symbols of my faith. Now I grok them – they are symbols of me. They are the bits of divinity I see particularly in myself. That gorgeous Gaea, with her full belly and her skin covered with animals and ocean? That’s me. That strong and brave Artemis, with her bow shooting to the sky as she Hunts? That’s me. They are me and I am them. I put my power into them because I was afraid of holding it myself – but that power is mine.

I am the Chosen One because I choose myself.

And you know what? I choose you, too.

I wrote a guest post for Alex Shalman called 10 Ways to Improve Your Happiness by Changing Your Vocabulary.

It was an interesting experience to write in a style that was a hybrid of mine and Alex’s. Collaboration is fun. (:

This year for Yule, we gave our son Dru a fun quest to complete. Y’all can join in the fun remotely. (:

The quest began when we handed Dru this piece of paper:

At first, he didn’t know that it was a clue, but when we told him we weren’t giving him anything else for Yule (it was technically true, because he was going to find them himself) he figured out that this clue referred to the game “Ticket to Ride” on our game shelf.

Inside Ticket to Ride he found an action figure of Hercules (he’s into Greek mythology) and his next clue:

He noodled for some time about what this could mean. “Nemean Lion crossing? Aegean Boar crossing? Hydra crossing? Dragon crossing?” but then he figured it out! “Unicorn crossing!” he said, and went outside to investigate the sign outside the front door of our apartment!

An action figure of the Cyclops was hanging from the lower nail. He grabbed the Cyclops but couldn’t figure out where the next clue was. After a bit of looking and searching, he pulled the sign off the fence find the following clue taped to the reverse side:

“The rats!” shouted Dru. He remembered the names of Kyeli’s new rats: Suki and Hikari. Love and light. So we all tromped upstairs to the rat cage! Hanging on the cage was… the key to our car.

Dru took the key, said, “The car?”, and we all went outside to the car. He unlocked it and found on the steering wheel an action figure of the Minotaur and a big sign saying:

So he put the key in the ignition, started the car, and…

Hold on a sec. This bit requires a bit of backstory. In September, we wrote and recorded a little song for Havi. It was a song about milk. (scroll down or search for “milk”).

Ever since September, Dru will occasionally randomly start singing the milk song. It’s so cool to hear our son sing “Selmaaaaa the duck…” while he’s in the shower. (: So that’s your backstory. Now back to today!

Dru started the car, and… this song came on.

After thinking about it for a few seconds, he shouted, “The fridge!” and we all ran back inside and we followed him into the kitchen. He opened up the fridge, and what did he find behind the soy milk? An action figure of Poseidon and the final clue:

We forgot that it had been so long since the last time we’d been geocaching that he wouldn’t immediately recognize a pair of coordinates. We gave him a slight hint by showing him a map of the world with longitude and latitude marked on it.

He figured it out, so we went geocaching! Dru entered the coordinates into our GPS and we got in the car. I drove while Dru sat in the passenger seat telling me which way to turn. Eventually we got close and Dru told me where to park. We parked there, got out, and walked across the street to the nearby woods. After a few minutes of bushwhacking through the trees and brush, Dru reached the final destination of his quest: a big gift-wrapped box filled with all sorts of goodies! Inside the box was an action figure of Zeus, the new Percy Jackson and the Olympians book, the Time Turner from Harry Potter, Glory of the Roman Empire, and a check.

Here are all the action figures of the Greek gods and other beings of myth, arranged heroically:

It was a nice haul and a fun adventure — for Dru and for all of us. (:

Several people have remarked that it’s not easy for them to identify which of us posts which posts. So we made a fun new speech bubble thingamajig! At the bottom of each post, the blog will display an icon of whichever one of us posted it, along with a speech bubble. It probably won’t show up in the RSS feed, though, just in the blog. So if you’re reading this in an email or a feed reader, click through so you can see the pretty new shiny thing! (:

“People will hate me if I think I do well,” my friend Joely wrote today. Today’s post is brought to you by righteous indignation on her behalf and fervent desire to make the world a better place. Let’s go.

How many of you were nerds in high school? Raise your hands. *raises hand*

How many of you were teased or given a hard time about getting good grades? *raises hand*

Today, I want to bitch about how much that sort of thing sucks, talk about why I think it happens, and then talk about how to make it better. (Or at least, how I’ve made it better for me.)

It really sucks.

It makes me really angry that people need to tear others down to make themselves feel better. I feel really sad about all the awesome and potentially awesome people (like, for instance, who have to process through metric tons of crap that isn’t even their own crap but is just other people’s shitty way of bolstering their “self”-esteem.

GRR!!!

Why do people do this?

I think it’s because of the iPhone effect.

The iPhone effect, in short, is that people tell stories that relieve their dissonance. If people receive conflicting information, they’ll resolve the conflict in a way that makes them feel comfortable and happy with themselves.

For example, if Russ has trouble getting good grades in school, he’ll experience dissonance between conflicting stories: “Doing well in school is good”, “I’m not doing well in school”, and the implicit assumption “I am a good person.” To resolve this dissonance, Russ will likely ditch one of the conflicting stories. Perhaps he’ll change his story from “Doing well in school is good” to “Doing well in school is for nerds, and nerds suck.” That story allows Russ to avoid changing his actions while still keeping the belief that he’s a good person.

Russ redefined “good”.

Nerds do the same thing, though, but in a different way. For example, June looks at all the popular kids in school and experiences conflicting stories: “Being popular is good”, “I’m not popular”, and “I am a good person.” June might resolve this dissonance by changing her story from “Being popular is good” to “Being popular is for jocks and cheerleaders, and they suck. Being smart is what’s really good.” That story allows June to avoid changing her actions while still keeping her belief that she’s a good person.

June redefined “good”.

I think just about everyone does this, from kids to highschoolers to adults to the Dalai Lama.

Why is this awesome?

It’s awesome because you can choose what story you want to be in.

If you don’t like the story you’re currently telling, you can change it. Maybe the story you’re currently telling wasn’t written by you. Maybe it was written by your parents and your classmates and your childhood friends and your exes. Maybe it was written by former versions of yourself who were very different from the you that you are now. Maybe a sentence or two was written by random people you passed on the street who looked at you the wrong way, or by surly food service employees.

You can rewrite your story.

Do so with care, because the story you write will become your reality. You might not want to put “Nerds suck” or “Jocks suck” in the story of your life. But whatever you choose to write, keep on writing. Keep on writing the story of your life, keep on unfolding, keep on growing, and keep on creating yourself.