Disconnect from what you don’t want.
by Kyeli on December 10th, 2008 @ 8:08 am in
How To Be Awesome
Pace and I have made several trips to Dallas recently. On one of them, we listened to a podcast wherein Alex Shalman interviews Steve Pavlina. Steve is one of the biggest influences in our lives right now, so we’re always interested in what he says.
During the interview, Steve offers this as a valuable tool for growth: connect with what we do want and disconnect from what we don’t want.
This is important. Disconnecting from what we don’t want is a major part of self-work – one that often gets overlooked. We spend a lot of time and effort focusing on what we do want, connecting with it, and bringing it to us. But if we don’t spend time and effort getting rid of what we don’t want, we’re unbalanced.
In The 4-Hour Work Week, Tim Ferriss talks about the 80/20 rule: 80% of your stress comes from 20% of your life. This is amazingly true! I’ve found that 80% of my stress came from 20% of my work, 80% of my fears came from 20% of my experiences, 80% of my unhappiness was coming from 20% of the relationships in my life (and vice versa – 80% of my happiness comes from 20% of my relationships), and so on. So, what do you do with this?
You 80/20 your life. Find those 20% things – the highest stressors, the most frustrating clients, the friends with the highest drama factors – and see if you can do without them. With friends, it’s good to see if you can improve things first, but if that fails, what is it bringing you? Would you be better off without those friendships? Odds are, if they’re causing you all that stress and bringing you little happiness, yes. You would be better off, even if it’s difficult and painful to end things.
We tend toward sticking with relationships, especially friendships, even after they grow toxic or unimportant to us. I’ve become something of an 80/20 juggernaut, and I’ve found that cutting out those relationships opens me up for healthier, happier, more equal relationships. But if I keep those toxic ones, I’m full up and can’t make room for more.
This works for material objects, too. It’s not just about relationships, business or personal. Look around your living space – what there is bringing you joy and what’s bringing you stress? Do you have too many pens? Too many cats? Too much clutter? Is your kitchen full of useless pots and pans and spoons, leaving you no room for the blender you really want? Is that fish tank still making you feel peaceful, or do you get tense every time you have to clean it? If you 80/20 your stuff, you have lots of room for new stuff – or no stuff, which is awesome in a different way. (You can also make a little money if you sell the old stuff!)
Disconnecting from what you don’t want is just as important as connecting to what you do want. In fact, every time you disconnect from something negative, you make room for something positive. You create a little space in your life where you can put something that brings you joy, that makes you happy, that in some way furthers your connection to those things you do want. It’s empowering and a critical part of the path of self-growth and happiness in life.
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10 Comments!
#2 Posted by 
jenn on December 10th, 2008 9:01 am | link
I absolutely needed to hear this today. Thank you.
#3 Posted by 
the sassy kathy on December 10th, 2008 9:10 am | link
i adore that henry miller quote you posted!!!! thanks :)
#4 Posted by 
Kyeli on December 10th, 2008 3:25 pm | link
@Nick: I learned this last year, but didn’t really grok it til this year. And, man, when I did, I started applying it like crazy. It’s awesome! (:
@Jenn: Yay! I’m really glad it helped!
@Kathy: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Perhaps you meant to talk to Pace? (:
#5 Posted by 
James | Dancing Geek on December 10th, 2008 7:07 pm | link
First I’d have to work out which 20% is causing the 80% of the nasty. And that means looking at the nasty. *shudder*
Like the thinking here though, makes a lot of sense.
#6 Posted by 
Green on December 10th, 2008 9:50 pm | link
What about the friends that are connected to the ones you need to get away from? IE: A group of friends that you see mostly together, or in the same place. Not all ten are always around, but there’s no way of knowing which of the 10 will be around.. Ten friends that are all pretty important, but one turns into a 20% of unhappy. How do you get rid of one without causing drama that upsets the other friends, or avoiding the group? :(
#7 Posted by 
Pace on December 10th, 2008 11:42 pm | link
@Kyeli: I like how this post is kind of the flipside of my last post. I’m talking about connecting to what you want and you’re talking about disconnecting from what you don’t want. It’s neat. (:
#8 Posted by 
Jennifer Louden on December 11th, 2008 10:12 am | link
Good way to think about this – better for me han the whole simplify your life conversation… looking for the stress factors that can be gently disconnected from… Too many pens in the kitchen!
Hmm… What about the things we can’t disconnect from like our teenager when she is in certain moods? I can, and do, for a few minutes, stop engaging with her, but then…. more complicated it does get, I say in bad Yoda speak.
#9 Posted by 
Natalia on June 24th, 2009 7:10 am | link
That’s all fine and good, but you can’t just decide one day that you have too many cats and throw them out. That would be completely irresponsible. If you adopt a feline or canine friend, they are FAMILY. You are all they know. Giving them away is betrayal.
Too many cats? Find another way to deal, lower stress in other areas of your life and probably the stress your cats cause you will disappear too.
And why did you get so many cats to begin with? Unless you’re not treating them as they deserve to be treated, deal. Cats aren’t accessories.
#10 Posted by Kyeli on June 24th, 2009 1:10 pm | link
@Natalia, I didn’t say I was getting rid of my cats. I generally agree with you, and my cats are certainly family to me. I never even considered the possibility of them being accessories.
And I think in general, and in specific, “throwing them out” is irresponsible and cruel.
However, if a person finds that they’ve taken on too much responsibility, and their cats are suffering for it, I think it’s the best thing for all of them to find the cats a new home. Cats will adjust, and they’ll be better off if their owner loves them and takes good care of them, rather than seeing them as a burden and neglecting them.
Knowing yourself well enough to see that you can’t handle your pet(s) and aren’t treating them as well as they deserve, and then finding a good home for them, is a kindness to all involved.
#1 Posted by
Nick on December 10th, 2008 8:38 am | link
This is one of the most important lessons i have learned this year in my life. Simply put: In order to make room for new things in my life, i need to free up energy from things that don’t work as well. I find this principle so important that it is part of my daily practice. Every morning I examine myself. During this bit of time I look for the things in my life that seem wasteful. All that misspent energy. From there i concentrate on thing i’m trying to improve in my life. As if channeling the energy from the old things to the new. Quite useful.