Starting over vs. going back to the way things were
by Kyeli on December 22nd, 2008 @ 9:15 am in
How To Be Awesome
This time of year, a lot of us are spending time with people we see rarely and interact with poorly. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting awfully tired of hearing aunts and uncles and cousins remark on how grown up I am. I’m 30, fer crying out loud. I’m grown. Give it up!
I’m also getting tired of people assuming I’m exactly the same as I was when I was 10. I’ve come a long way in the past 20 years, and even further in the past 12 months, so not only does this assumption make their view of me completely inaccurate, it’s also offensive to me because it so heavily implies stagnation. I know you haven’t done any self work in the past decade, Aunt Melda, but I do it all the time, so stop assuming I’m still into Fruit Loops and footie pj’s!
In this situation, I’ve found that it’s really important to start over from where you are now. I think a lot of us have this desire to go back to the way things were, but it’s not helpful and often makes those sticky assumptions even sticker.
If you start over, you get to be who you are now, not who you were then (whenever then is for you). And who you are now is strictly better than who you were – because it’s you. Right now.
This is true for relationships as well as family. If you and your lover have a huge fight and things change, wishing you could go back isn’t going to help. It’s harmful, in fact, because it blinds you to the reality of how things are now, and now is all we’ve got. If you don’t like now, then the best thing to do is change your now. However, focusing on the way things were is natural and not wrong. It’s okay to feel however you feel whenever you feel it.
So if (or when) you find yourself in a situation that’s causing you to wish things could return to a previous way, think on it. Spend some time with those feelings, see what you’re missing, and see if you can find a way to have that now. Start over with all the knowledge and experience you hold within yourself now – what an awesome advantage.
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6 Comments!
#3 Posted by 
Oliver Danni on December 22nd, 2008 1:22 pm | link
Oh man…I don’t even like when people assume I’m the same person as I was YESTERDAY. ;-)
How do you know Aunt Melda hasn’t done any self-work in the last decade, though? Maybe her self-work just didn’t lead her to the same place as yours. ;-)
#4 Posted by 
Ellen Naylor on December 24th, 2008 10:52 am | link
This is all about living in the present, which is a huge challenge for me and the balancing act of life. I like having some of my past ever present since it’s also the impetus that moves me forward. I don’t like holding onto the baggage of my past that holds me back, and certain events and people are triggers to this baggage, like family as you shared in your blog. Way to be present, Kyeli. You are a wise woman! And I’m sure you will figure out a way to let people know you’ve changed. But remember it’s near impossible to change them, so let it slide if they don’t recognize the changed you. You can just change your attitude and not let it bother you so much!
#5 Posted by 
JoVE on December 28th, 2008 5:07 pm | link
The problem I have with family gatherings isn’t quite this one. It is the disconnect between who I am and who my parents thought they were raising me to be. When we aren’t together they can focus on those things I do that fit with their image of what I was going to become but when we are together, they notice all the things that they don’t like and then try to act as if I’m being difficult just to annoy them. On occasion my mother has even told me that I don’t believe things I have just told her I believe. Crazy.
Your points are good ones.
#6 Posted by 
Tanya on December 31st, 2008 12:57 pm | link
I recommend asking Aunt Melda to tell you about the holiday sweaters she knitted for her cats. Maybe she’ll knit some for your cats next year!
Seriously, we have a lot of family gatherings and some of my relatives are more welcome than others. For those I dislike interacting with, I try to bring in a buffer – don’t make it a one on one conversation. Instead, bring someone else they like talking to and you can both get your Aunt Melda interaction time out of the way at once (plus have a partner in crime!)
Or, there’s always offering to go get them something. A drink… a snack… a souffle… Paris… whatever works. ; )
#1 Posted by
Betsy on December 22nd, 2008 9:36 am | link
Maybe it’s just their lame attempt at an opener? As an older person (I’m 54), I’m hurt when I try to frame a relevant question (granted more relevant than froot loops, hopefully), but they appear too exasperated at having to interact with me at all and respond accordingly. Just happened with someone whose change in PhD focus I was really hoping to hear about. I think what’s unsaid here are the things that might have been better said in the past so the present could be more rewarding and meaningful? Or maybe they really are just old biddies who are best dealt with by pouring another cocktail and keeping interaction to a minimum? :)