You were trying to help me be worthy of love.

With help from Kyeli, Havi, and Steve, I had an amazing conversation with myself. I’d like to share it with you.

Kyeli: “Are you sure you still want to do the time planning thing right now? Because if you’d like to do some healing or muscle testing to help with your sniffling first, that’s totally–”

Pace: (brusquely) “No. Later. Let’s go!”

Kyeli: “Why are you snapping at me?”

Pace: “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to snap at you; I was speaking shortly because I’m excited about doing the time planning thing.”

Kyeli: “Oh, okay. Cool.”

Pace: “You know, this happens a lot. I use a hurried or brusque tone and you feel snapped at. Can we talk about it to see if we can make it better in the future?”

Kyeli: “Sure, of course.”

Pace: “It’s the headspace/heartspace thing again. When I’m in heartspace, I speak slowly and calmly. But when I’m in headspace, when I’m focused on a task or excited about something, I speak quickly and I rush. That’s all.”

Kyeli: “Well, when you’re in headspace, I feel like I can’t keep up with you. I feel like you’re irritated at me for being so slow.”

Pace: “Yeah, I see how you would feel that way. For me, it doesn’t mean that I’m irritated with you; I’m just excited and anxious to get to the next awesome thing.”

Kyeli: “Right, and I understand that. But what often happens is that you cut me off in mid-sentence, so I don’t feel–”

Pace: “Right! You don’t feel heard! That makes sense. Oh. I just did it again, didn’t I? Oh. I’m sorry.”

Kyeli: *listens*

Pace: “This is so frustrating. Every time I think I’ve dealt with this headspace/heartspace thing, it keeps coming back up. I try to accept the headspace part of myself, but it’s hard when it causes so much friction. Sometimes I feel like you only love the heartspace part of me and you resent the headspace part of me. I mean, I know you love and accept all of me and blahblahblah, but–”

Kyeli: “Whoa. That’s a really important thing that you totally trivialized! I love and accept all of you. Heartspace and headspace. All of you, Pace.”

Pace: “I’m sorry, honey. It’s just that when I’m feeling conflicted and afraid like this, I don’t feel loved. I feel the friction and the tension, and that overpowers the love. I know that you love and accept all of me, but when I’m feeling like this, it doesn’t sink in.”

Kyeli: “Well, I’m sure that we can come up with a way to help it sink in…”

Pace: *snaps fingers*

Kyeli: “What?”

Pace: “I just had an epiphany!”

Kyeli: “What is it?”

Pace: “It came from something Steve and I were talking about. I thought of two other labels for the heartspace part of me and the headspace part of me. Love and Power. Love Pace and Power Pace.”

Kyeli: “Whoa, you look sick to your stomach. Are you okay?”

Pace: “Yeah, I’m great! That was my mind-boggling epiphany look. I just had another one from something Havi said. I need to have a conversation with myself. Okay?”

Kyeli: “Okay!” *listens, witnesses*

Pace: “Hey, Power Pace. I’d like to talk to you, okay? Okay. First of all, I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for resenting you and trying to kill you and trying to push you down into a corner and tell you that you’re bad. Because now I understand that all along, you were trying to help me.

“You were trying to help me be worthy of love. I picked up the message that I was worthy of love if. I’m worthy of love if I get A’s in school, I’m worthy of love if I get all my to-do items done, I’m worthy of love if I’m successful, I’m worthy of love if I do good things for others. So you’ve been doing your best to help me be worthy of love. You’ve been making sure I stay on track, making sure I stay focused, making sure I stay dedicated and efficient. So that I’ll be worthy of being loved.

“Thank you. I really appreciate you.

“I’m sorry for saying all those mean things about you. I didn’t understand that you were trying to help me, and until now I didn’t understand how you were trying to help me. But there’s something important that I want to tell you now.

“I love you. I love you no matter what. I love me no matter what. I love you, me, even if we don’t get all our to-do items done. I love you even if we hurt those we love. I love you if we’re successful, I love you if we fail. I love me even when I’m mean. I love you all the time. Kyeli loves us too. She loves all of us. So it’s okay. You’ve done a good job, and it’s okay now. It’s safe. We’re on the same team. I respect you, I appreciate you, and I love you.”

Power Pace & Love Pace: *cry, embrace, love*

Kyeli & Pace: *cry, embrace, love*

Related posts:
• Community Update #16: Love. And some other stuff, but mostly Love.
• An Ode to My Creative Spark: A Love Letter in Five Parts

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