No, you could not have done it differently.
by Kyeli on March 9th, 2009 @ 7:43 am in
How To Be Awesome
Yesterday, Pace and I listened to a recording through Entrepreneurs Unplugged by Marie Forleo (warning: annoying website), and she was talking about how you cannot make a mistake at all, ever.
At first, I didn’t understand. I make mistakes all the time! What are you talking about?! I’m not perfect; I can and do make mistakes. I feel like a huge part of my past was based on mistakes, things I could have done differently. Had I only thought harder, had I only known more, had I only listened to my intuition, had I only…
But once it was said, my life was changed.
I could feel it percolating. I could feel it sitting in me, being true, waiting patiently for me to get everything lined up just right so I could get it. And then lightening struck. And then I did get it, all of a sudden. And I gasped and covered my face, I cried and I laughed and I stared off into space, amazed.
There are no mistakes – we are utterly perfect as we are right now, and we are the only way we could have possibly turned out.
Imagine your past as a cord.
It’s beautifully weaved together from all the threads you’ve ever added, stretching back to your beginnings. Each thread is a moment in your life. Each thread is a decision.
At any given moment, you could not have chosen any thread to add other than the thread you chose. If you were holding two threads, let’s say a red one and an orange one, and you threw the orange one out and added the red one – then the red one is the only thread you ever would have added to the cord, period. But you had the orange one in your hand! You could’ve chosen it instead of the red one, right?! I certainly wish I had – my cord would be so much better.
Yes, that certainly feels true. It felt true to me, too. But, get this – you chose the thread that you chose, and that’s the only thread you would have ever chosen.
Given what you knew in that moment (not what you know now, but what you knew then), given your past, given the cord of your life, you chose the red thread. You would never have chosen the orange one, even if you went back and did that moment over a million times – because your past led you to choose the red one. The threads, the choices, you made up to that moment are why you chose what you did, and you can’t change the past, so you couldn’t have done anything differently.
We are perfect, just as we are right now.
This is monumental. This means that each and every one of us are exactly how we are supposed to be exactly right now. This means that there are no mistakes, because we all do what we do based on what our cords are in every given moment, so we could not have done it differently, so we can’t make mistakes.
We can choose poorly, sure. We can regret our choices. But we can’t change them and we can’t go back. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say, but current sight is all we’ve got. Agonizing over past choices is only harmful. Learning from past choices is awesome and fruitful, but agonizing over them is so much easier! I’m rabidly guilty of that.
But now, I get it. I understand. Given who I was, I did what I chose to do, and I usually did my best. I certainly acted in accordance with myself and my nature and my history, which is all any of us do.
And there’s no point in beating myself up over that. I was who I was, I am who I am, I will be who I will be. I love myself, I respect myself, and now I understand myself a huge lot better.
This is a tough concept. Tough to write about and tough to understand. I’m only beginning to understand what this means and all its implications. I’m sure I’ll get it and then forget it and have to get it all over again, over and over – that’s a big pattern for me in learning big huge life-changing things.
Do you get it? Do you understand? Can you think of other metaphors, other ways to explain, other ways this could change your life?
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13 Comments!
#2 Posted by 
ArcherTC on March 9th, 2009 9:02 am | link
>>We can choose poorly, sure. We can regret our choices. But we can’t change them and we can’t go back. <<
No, but it is recognizing errors that give us the will for change. Consider the legacy of the last White House Administration and the enormous political leaps that we must now undertake to right those wrongs. Further, there are absolutely wonderful roles for correction in human history — the right to vote, the end of the African slave trade, the Geneva Convention, etc. These are the fruits of our looking back to guide ourselves forward. That absolutely includes recognizing our past decisions as mistakes and agonizing, if needed, over how we can make it right today and for generations to come.
Imperfection is human and divine. Embrace it *and* move forward!
#3 Posted by 
Sheila on March 9th, 2009 10:58 am | link
I sum the notion up in four words:
No regrets. Only lessons.
#4 Posted by 
Joely Black on March 10th, 2009 7:38 am | link
Once again, a really excellent post and very true.
#6 Posted by 
Michael on March 10th, 2009 7:48 am | link
I understand the concept you are going for here – people beat themselves up of stuff they shouldn’t, all the time. But, this is dangerously close to abdicating responsibility for your actions.
“I’m not sorry I hurt you. I wouldn’t be who I am now, if I hadn’t have done that. It worked out great for me, so you should get over it.!”
Sometimes our action hurt others. Shrugging it off as anything less than a horrible mistake is trivializing the pain of others to lessen your own.
#7 Posted by 
Pace on March 10th, 2009 8:59 am | link
Michael,
I totally agree with you, and also totally disagree with you. Thinking to yourself “I made a horrible mistake”, beating yourself up about it, and regretting it for the rest of your life isn’t going to do anyone, including the person you hurt, any good. Thinking to yourself “I feel sad that I hurt someone with my actions”, learning from it, choosing to do something different in the future, and then moving on? That will do yourself and others much more good.
Regret and sorrow are these weird societally-obligated things we’re expected to feel if we want to be allowed to feel that we’re good people, but as for me, if someone hurt me, I’d vastly prefer they feel no regret but learn from it and choose differently in the future, instead of feeling lots of regret but not changing at all and continuing to do the same sorts of things in the future, to me or others. It’s like Honest Hal.
I think that what matters most is how much or how little we hurt others, not how much we beat ourselves up about it when we do.
(I’m not speaking for Kyeli here, though, and will be very curious to find out her thoughts on this.)
#8 Posted by 
Oliver Danni on March 10th, 2009 1:17 pm | link
I experienced this today in class. We were practicing Thai yoga massage, and my classmate was practicing on me, and one of the stretches caused my right leg to pull. I realized in time that I needed him to let go of my leg to prevent an injury, and I said “Stop, I need you to drop my leg now!”…but he hesitated for a moment before letting go, and that was a moment too long. Afterwards, he was very upset and apologetic, and kept trying to figure out what he had done “wrong”. He asked the instructor to come over to help him figure out what he had done wrong, did the exact same move on the instructor, and it wasn’t a problem for the instructor’s leg. Meanwhile, I really was FINE…I mean, it hurt, I decided to sit out the rest of class and just observe to avoid injuring it again…but he hadn’t done anything which had limited my mobility or anything, he didn’t break anything, and it didn’t even happen because of anything he did wrong. Sometimes shit happens! It was interesting to observe, though, how attached he was to wishing that he had not hurt me and being sorry that he had…because I really wasn’t upset and didn’t really care that he had hurt me, I didn’t feel like he could have done anything differently. I think it scared him, because now he thinks that since he’s done this once he may do it again. But anybody could do something like that, seriously. It’s a risky activity, you do everything you can to minimize the risks, and then you accept that yes you might in fact hurt someone and if you’re unwilling to risk that, then you’re unwilling to offer the healing opportunity, too.
#9 Posted by Michael on March 11th, 2009 12:30 pm | link
Pace, I think we are the realm of definition collision.
I agree with the concept that you shouldn’t beat yourself up forever over hurting someone. That isn’t what I was saying. The “forever” part was added in your mind.
Likewise, y’all aren’t saying that you should ignore making amends for a wrong in favor of “moving on.” That was added in MY mind. I was trying to make a point of where this line of thought could be carried out to.
Ideally, one can recognize a mistake, and work to make amends – to try and make it right – without beating yourself up about it. In fact, I suspect that it would really hard to make it right while beating yourself up.
Beating yourself up is still making it all about you. Like the post from Oliver – the yoga partner was focused on what THEY did, how THEY could avoid doing it again, etc, ignoring the actual damage done, and why.
#10 Posted by 
Garreth Wilcock on March 11th, 2009 1:59 pm | link
The bigger the “mistake” the faster I learn!
Thanks for a thought provoking post.
#11 Posted by 
Eirias on March 17th, 2009 8:03 pm | link
Ever read Candide? This philosophy reminds me a little bit of Dr. Pangloss.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candide
#12 Posted by 
_rck_ on March 21st, 2009 8:56 pm | link
How about this approach, using a different vocabulary:
(1) Positive reinforcement is a more effective learning strategy than negative reinforcement.
(2) The way forward is praising oneself for acting differently now.
(3) Upbraiding oneself about past mistakes is negative reinforcement, as is fretting over ones level of perfection.
done done done?
#13 Posted by 
Heather the Great on March 23rd, 2009 8:13 pm | link
You and I learn, process, and grow so much alike, Kyeli! I completely needed this reminder. And I’ll remind you of other stuff, too. <3
#1 Posted by
Justin on March 9th, 2009 8:30 am | link
An old saying, possibly Sufi: “The master weaver incorporates his students’ mistakes into the design of the rug.”
Everyone has those oops moments. I’m reaching for mastery of incorporation of those moments into a cohesive whole. Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch…
You girls are cool.