I just finished reading my copy of Pamela Slim’s Escape from Cubicle Nation, and I’m excited to share my review with you!

Here goes.

Wow, Pam Slim has really got her work cut out for her. How do you get everything you need to know about quitting your corporate job and starting your own business into one book? You can’t, of course. Luckily, that is not what Escape from Cubicle Nation attempts to do.

What it does do is provide a wonderful overview of everything you need to know. Pam doesn’t delve deep into every area of entrepreneurship (I admit to feeling intimidated when she rattled off the list “sales, costs, expenses, taxes, interest, profitability, assets, liabilities, capital…” without explaining them) but it’s okay, because she does give you signposts for where to learn more about the pieces you’re not comfortable with.

Let’s jump right in to the page-by-page comments. Here are my thoughts on each of the pages I dog-eared while reading.

p.17 It’s not the life we were meant for

Pam peppers the book with excellent and inspiring quotations. I loved this one, from Paul Graham, in “You Aren’t Meant to Have a Boss“:

“I was in Africa last year and saw a lot of animals in the wild that I’d only seen in zoos before. It was remarkable how different they seemed. Particularly lions. Lions in the wild seem about ten times more alive. They’re like different animals. I suspect that working for oneself feels better to humans in much the same way that living in the wild must feel better to a wide-ranging predator like a lion. Life in a zoo is easier, but it isn’t the life we were designed for.”

This speaks to me on a deep heart and soul level. Not just corporate jobs, or jobs in general, but a lot of things about the world today.

p.25 Becky

Hey! I know who Becky is! That’s not just any Becky, that’s my friend Becky. (:

p.77 What to do when you flip out and go into a downward spiral of doom

Pam’s advice:

1. Immediately call someone you trust and ask for encouragement. (In a later chapter she talks about how to make friends with awesome people so that you can have someone trustworthy to call.)
2. Get physically out of the situation. Changing your environment can help break you out of the cycle.
3. Pull out a folder of things that remind you of your worth.

This is so cool! Kyeli and I were talking about this just last week. We created a “motivation” folder full of people telling us how much they liked our book, how much we’ve helped them in their relationships, and all sorts of other things. We’re planning on putting some of it on our wall, but having a folder for it is another excellent idea.

p.83 Choosing between a crack pipe and wheatgrass juice

Pam’s “crack pipe” story spoke to me deeply. Kyeli and I were in the middle of intense discussions about reworking our entire business, and we were both very scared. After reading Pam’s story, it’s crystal clear. We were afraid of the crack pipe!

Wait, I just realized that this won’t make any sense to anyone who doesn’t already know what I’m talking about. The “crack pipe” is Pam’s metaphor for a fast-paced, high-test, stereotypically “successful” business life. It’s the temptation of fame and gold stars. Pam writes, “I realized I was meant to be at home writing blog posts, changing diapers, and slowly chipping away at my dream business. I told the client no, tossed the crack pipe in the trash, and took a big swig of wheatgrass juice.”

Go, Pam!

p.84 Depleted vs. spent

Yes! This puts words to something I’ve been trying to put my finger on for years. Sometimes I feel exhausted but good, and sometimes I feel exhausted and bad. Pam explains it perfectly as the difference between depleted and spent.

Depleted is when you exhaust yourself by doing things you don’t really want to do. Spent is when you exhaust yourself by doing things you do really want to do. It’s how you feel after a really good workout that you enjoyed, or after a really intense conversation that ended up at a happy conclusion. Now that I have words for these two different states, I feel like I understand them much better. Thanks, Pam. (:

p.99 Yay, the E-Myth!

I’m so glad Pam mentioned the E-Myth. The E-Myth (the Entrepreneurial Myth) is that if you’re starting your own business so you can do more technical work, or do it your own way, then you’re setting yourself up to fail. If you don’t enjoy the business aspect of business, then you won’t enjoy owning your own business, because there is a lot of business in business.

p.101 quoting Jonathan Fields, Awake at the Wheel

“Find something you’re madly passionate about, surround yourself with people you love to be around, work your buns off and make a ton of money… as a byproduct of the fact that you’re having the time of your life and contributing value to the world along the way!”

YEAH! *jumps up and down*

p.154 Do You Really Need a Big House in the City?

OMG! We could move somewhere else, maybe even somewhere we could be legally married, and save TONS of money! For some reason I never seriously considered this option. But it’s a super important thing to think about, at the very least as a backup plan.

This chapter is chock full of concrete ideas for how to reduce your expenses without changing your money mindset to “scarcity” instead of “abundance”.

p.188 Don’t badmouth your competitors

Earlier on the very day I read this chapter, Kyeli and I were talking about the exact same thing. We saw a billboard that we interpreted as a passive-aggressive swipe at the company’s competitors, and launched into a tirade about what bad marketing it is to badmouth your competitors.

p.200 Juan, the Gang Member Coach

I love this bit. It made me laugh out loud when I read it the first time, and I’m laughing again as I write about it. Pam talks about unlearning corporate jargon-speak, because it will completely alienate real-world customers. She suggests envisioning giving your speech (or reading your web copy) to a gang member, because a gang member won’t put up with any bullshit or wishy-washy words. Here’s a quote from the book:

Joe, VP of Alliance Partnerships: “And as you can see from my deck, by creating a strategic partnership that focuses on key enablers of the new paradigm, we can leverage out-of-the-box thinking and deliver an integrated solution to our end-users.”

Juan, the Gang Member Coach: “Joe, what the f**k are you talking about?”

LOL!

p.210 Perfectionists are Losers

It’s easy to plan, wait, and prepare until everything is perfect. But in the real world, it works much better to get something out there, anything, then tweak and improve it based on feedback from your customers. As Seth Godin says, “Fire. Aim. Aim. Aim.” In fact, my friend Erica said the exact same thing recently.

p.250 Dealing with critical comments

Pam once received a comment that said,

“I would love [this site] if only the privileged would acknowledge how lucky and privileged they are and how their ‘advice’ applies to only other privileged kids.”

Pam writes, “I tried to carry on a conversation with the commenter, but nothing I could say would satisfy him — in his mind I was a rich jerk and nothing could change that.”

Wow. Once I received a comment exactly like that one. It really tore me up at the time, but I think Pam is right; the best solution is to ignore it and move on.

p.253 How to Shop for Benefits

Awesome chapter, Pam. This is something I’ve been putting off, and now we have a place to start. Thanks!

p.275 Different communication styles

Cool! Pam talks about different commmunication styles, a topic near and dear to our hearts. (: In this context, she’s talking about how to explain your business to skeptical friends and family. I give Pam’s communication advice a gold star. (:

p.279 Some relationships will not survive your transition from employee to entrepreneur.

Pam shares advice on to make this difficult process less painful, and ways to tell whether it’s the right decision. This particular issue has been a rocky one for me. Lots of my non-entrepreneur friends don’t get it, and their skepticism drains my passion and enthusiasm for our business. I’ve started being more selective about who I talk about our business with, and that’s been helping, although now the problem is that I have so few people to talk about our business with that I’m often bursting at the seams with excitement!

p.281 More good communication advice

Pam talks about how to bring up the “I want to quit my cushy corporate job and start my own business” conversation with your spouse. She talks about:

• choosing a low-stress moment
• choosing a calm and non-distracting environment
• really listening to your spouse’s concerns
• reciprocation
• making a plan to continue the conversation
• not via phone or email

and several other tidbits of good communication advice. Another gold star!

Here’s my own two cents of communication advice to piggyback on Pam’s:

• not when either of you is hungry or sleepy
• use “I” statements
• one or both of you might want to check in with each other, especially if things get tense.

pp.310-317 OMG, these checklists are ridiculously useful.

OMG, these checklists are ridiculously useful. Even though we’ve already started our business, it looks like there are some important steps we skipped. I want to say more here but I’d end up saying “OMG, these checklists are ridiculously useful” over and over again.

p.319 Now comes the first part where I actually cry. (I’m not counting tears welling up. I lost count of those.)

“Will I be a better, smarter, more compassionate human being for having attempted this, regardless of the outcome?”

p.320 The grand finale, where I bawl my eyes out.

Slow down and read this bit out loud. It’s very powerful.

“Now you are here, peering over the edge.

This is it.

No amount of data, checklists, spreadsheets, focus groups, analysis, or information is going to tell you if it is the right time to quit your job.

It is a leap of faith. You can choose to take it or not.

If you choose to leap, congratulations. Welcome to the other side. I have been waiting for you.

If you choose to stay, I support you. When you are ready, I will still be here.”

Holy shit, Pam. What an amazing book.

If you’re reading this, and you wonder what it might be like to quit your job and start your own business, or if you’re a recent entrepreneur and you want to feel more of the fire that inspired you to choose this path, then I highly recommend this book.

Here’s a link. Escape from Cubicle Nation

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 16: The next time I ask for $1000, just give me a veggie burger instead!

Sometimes when we try to communicate, everything goes wrong and we don’t understand why. Perhaps we’re more prone to argue than usual, or maybe we’re having trouble focusing or listening. Once you realize this is happening, take a moment to connect with yourself. Take a break from the conversation to assess your physical and emotional state. Is there something going on that’s interfering and making things difficult?

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 16: The next time I ask for $1000, just give me a veggie burger instead! (web page)

This is possibly the last of the Revolutionary Tuesday videos. It was an interesting experiment; if I do start doing it again, it’ll definitely be different. Thanks for watching!

In this video, I talk about how difficult it’s been for me to make these Revolutionary Tuesday videos, and what I learned from the experience.

(part 1)

Here are some more blog reviews of The Usual Error that lovely people have been posting. Thanks so much, lovely people! This time we’ve included short excerpts from the reviews; click through to read the full articles.

Review #1, by Tammy Lenski, a professional mediator and conflict resolution consultant:

For those of you who’ve read many of the conflict resolution bestsellers like Difficult Conversations, Fierce Conversations, The Power of a Positive No and others, there’s not a lot of new content in The Usual Error. But that’s not a reason to skip the book. Actually, it’s a reason to read the book, because they highlight, in short, easily digestible chunks, some of the best ideas out there, and they make those ideas their own with stories from their lives and with little gems that stick in your mind. They take good ideas and make them better. [more...]

Review #2, by Sari O, a Finnish university student studying communication (among other things):

At the university, I’m used to reading texts about human interaction and behavior that’s littered with source citations, concept definitions, and theoretical framing. This is not one of those texts.

At first, I have to admit, it bothered me a bit. Then again, the purpose of this book is radically different from that of scientific articles or books.

…The aim is, as far as I’ve understood, to draw attention to the different kinds of problems that the usual error causes in human communication and to offer tools with which to go about addressing those problems. It’s intended as a workbook, and as such it serves beautifully. [more...]

Review #3, by Patty Newbold, a researcher in psychology, sociology, love, and life:

While showing you how to spot these errors and fix them, Pace and Kyeli offer code names for them, so you can defuse a situation quickly. They provide wonderful little vignettes of how they have cropped up in their lives and how they now handle them. [more...]

If you write a review of The Usual Error, please let us know so we can be sure to include you in our next review roundup! (:

For our final epiphany from Iron Pentacle class, we’re posting about a freakish hybrid of Iron Pentacle and Getting Things Done.

Class, please get out your day planners and your athames. (:

Getting Things Done

In David Allen’s book Getting Things Done, (which we’ve talked about before) he talks about the concept of open loops.

Open loops are things that keep popping up at inconvenient times and reminding you of their existence. “Remember the milk”, “Oh, I forgot to reply to that email”, or “I just had a brilliant idea, I’d better not forget it!”

They’re useful but distracting, and you can only hold so many of them in your head at one time. David Allen tells you to get them out of your head and into some trusted system. But that’s not what we’re talking about today. We’ll come back to open loops, but first, let’s take a little detour…

Witchcraft

The Feri tradition of neopaganism has a useful model of self called the Triple Soul.

The Primal Self, or Fetch, or Animal Self, consists of all our basic instincts, desires, and raw emotions. It’s like our inner child, but is also sexual. It’s kind of like the id in Freudian psychology.

The Talking Self, or Rational Self, or Human Self, is the part of us that thinks and reasons. It’s the part of ourselves that we’re conscious of being.

The Higher Self, or Divine Self, or Shining Dove, or Godself, is the part of us that’s larger than us. It’s our inspiration, our intuition, our spiritual connection to the universe and to others. In other words, our soul.

Now for the punchline.

Open loops happen at all levels.

Primal Self open loops are things like “I’m hungry”, “I’m lonely all the time”, or “I’m not getting enough physical touch”. They’re distracting to-do items that are physical, instinctual, emotional, or animal in nature.

Talking Self open loops are the kind that David Allen talks about, and we talked about earlier. “Remember the milk”, “Oh, I forgot to reply to that email”, or “I just had a brilliant idea, I’d better not forget it!”

Higher Self open loops are when you feel a vague unease in your soul. You can’t put your finger on it, but something is just wrong. Something is missing in your life, but you don’t know what. You blink, and when you open your eyes, just for an instant, you get the feeling that everything around you is wrong. Like you were dropped into the wrong movie, the wrong life.

Usually you just shrug it off as a passing fantasy or a random paranoia. But that’s not what it really is. It’s your soul’s way of telling you that you have something to do and you are not doing it.

You’re on the wrong path.

Something is not right.

Something is missing.

If you ignore that quiet voice in the stillness, you are ignoring your soul.

What would happen if — just once — you listened to it?

It’s Freaky Thursday, but I’m too upset to talk about my freakitudinocity.

In this episode, I talk about how I can’t marry Pace in Texas, and how much it sucks.

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 15: What did you intend?

Communication can be scary and dangerous. We use lethal-sounding words like “landmine” and “trigger” to describe some unpleasant surprises you can stumble upon while communicating. Even in normal conversations about everyday subjects, we sometimes say things that seem totally innocuous to us, and we’re blindsided when the other person reacts with anger, hurt, or fear.

It’s no fun to be on the other end, either. There you are, having a pleasant conversation, when the person you’re talking with suddenly drops a bomb on you, saying something unimaginably hurtful, and then sits there with bug-eyed surprise when you express your hurt feelings! What’s going on here?

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 15: What did you intend? (web page)

In last week’s episode, I talked about how most modern humans have forgotten their true human nature due to something that happened 10,000 years ago.

In today’s episode, I’ll talk about that something.

Last night, I woke up terrified from a nightmare. I lay in bed, heart racing, breathing in ragged gasps as I struggled to remember which reality I was in: my safe comfortable one or the horrid terrifying one I’d been dreaming. As safety and comfort began to seep in, as I heard the steady sleep-breathing of my darling wife and the loud rumbling purr as my cat realized I was awake, my own breath steadied and my heart settled.

I re-hashed my nightmare: the world was doomed by a giant comet and all life was going to die. All of it, not just humans. There was no way out, no one-in-a-million chance to save us all – we were all a few scant days from death. Fear and insanity had taken most people, and there were riots and chaos. My friends and I were banding together to spend our last days together, loving each other and trying to make the most of the end.

And then it hit me.

We’re afraid of death because we might not get all our to-dos done.

(note: There’s also the very real fear of the unknown, but that’s not my point here.)

It’s like going to bed at night: it’s hard to sleep with all those open loops in your head. Did you email the right people? Get back to the ones you said you’d get back to? Finish that important business thing? Forget anything? Is the water off, the dishes done, the cats fed?

Good gods, it’s a wonder any of us ever sleep.

And sleep is only a break. Can you imagine preparing every day to be the last one? Then it’d be even worse – did you say all the things that needed saying? Did you give all the hugs that needed giving? Smile all the right smiles, cry all the right tears? Tell everyone you love that you love them? Did you see all the places you wanted to see, do all the things you wanted to do? Finish everything? Is the water off? Are the dishes done, the cats fed? Is your underwear clean?

We’d never sleep! Who can sleep with so much to do?!

It’s terrifying. It sure scares me silly.

So I took several deep breaths. What did I forget to do today that I’d really regret if I didn’t wake up in the morning (considering I was able to have regrets)?

My list was surprisingly short: I didn’t tell my little boy that I love him today (he’s in Dallas with his grandmom and uncle, and I didn’t talk to him). I must fix that – it needs saying every day, even when he’s gone. I didn’t tell my best friends how incredibly fucking awesome they are – in fact, there are a slew of people I want to tell that to (so I’d best get on it). I didn’t remind my parents and my brother that I love them. I haven’t seen enough of the world yet, and I haven’t changed enough of the world yet. There are a few other things, but in general, if I didn’t make it through the night, I’d be pretty satisfied with what I got done while I was here.

If I had a long to-do list one day, I might not finish it before I needed to go to bed. We all have to sleep eventually.

If I have a long life to-do list, I might not finish it before I need to move on. We all have to die eventually.

The fear of dying stems from our fear of not getting things done. We can’t invest money if we’re dead. We can’t go shopping. We can’t conduct that all-important (or is it?) business meeting. We can’t watch our kids grow up. We can’t meet our grandkids. We can’t fall in love, can’t fight, can’t break up. Can’t hurt. Can’t heal. It’s the ultimate end to our ultimate day.

But if we live each day – not afraid – but aware that it could be our last, maybe we can shorten our ultimate to-do list. Figure out what your big rocks are and get them in your jar first. And, each night before you end your day, figure out what needs to be done (did you tell your partners or kids or friends you love them? are the cats fed?). Do it. Then sleep, and rest well.

Well, Kyeli made a brave, honest post about abuse, so I’ll do my best to make my own brave, honest post about abuse. This is based on yet another epiphany I had during Iron Pentacle class and now feels like a good time to share it.

I’ve been on both sides of abuse. I’ve been the abuser, and I’ve been abused. Not so much with the physical abuse, and not even so much with the verbal abuse either, but definitely with the emotional abuse. Pressuring, manipulation, pushing to see how much you can get away with, that sort of thing.

But in Iron Pentacle class, when we were talking about the point of Power, we split up into groups and formed stop-motion statues to illustrate words like “oppression” and “victim”. Then someone said something about gender roles, and it hit me — all my abuse-giving was when I was male, and all my abuse-receiving has been while I’ve been female.

What the hell does that mean?

That I’ve deeply internalized these gender roles, and when I transitioned to female, some part of me said, “Okay, time to start letting yourself be pushed around now”?

That it’s entirely coincidental, and just happens to coincide with when I did a lot of personal growth?

I don’t know.

But what I do know is that both sides of the coin suck. Abuse is gilded Power, and being abused is rusted Power. Either you’re taking someone else’s power away (not good) or you’re letting your own power be taken away (also not good.) The middle ground is fierceness and holding healthy boundaries. Standing firm in your own power while not infringing on others.

It’s like I’m going through the classic thesis / antithesis / synthesis steps. I abused others, overreacted when I realized what I had done and let myself be abused, and am now in a nice happy place with no abuse either way.

It’s hard to talk about abuse. If you say you’ve been abused, people look at you like you did something to deserve it. If you say you’ve been an abuser, people look at you like you’re a monster.

But if we can’t talk about it, how can we learn?