Your children are not obligated to repay you.
by Kyeli on May 8th, 2009 @ 9:23 am in
How To Be Awesome
Recently, I had a discussion with my friend Liz. Her brother Marc and his wife Tammy had adopted Tammy’s nephew after his mother died and his father wound up in prison. Tammy’s nephew, Paul, had been living with them for three years now, and had “come a long way”. Seems he’d been something of a bad seed in the beginning, but had straightened out and was pretty good now.
That was all fine and well, but then Liz complained about how awful Paul’s room always looked. Dirty and messy. She said, “He needs to be more grateful. Without my brother’s help, who knows where he would’ve wound up.”
I blew up.
Paul didn’t ask to be adopted. He didn’t want his mother to die. He didn’t help his father land in prison. He was 11 years old and lost both parents and his brother (his brother’s also in prison). Yes, it’s true that Marc and Tammy did a good thing by taking him in. But doing a good thing, even one that’s as substantial as to provide for someone for years, needs to be selfless… or at least obligation-free.
Our children don’t ask to be born. We choose to have them, and then heap gobs of crap and obligation and fear and issues on them from day one. Our children deserve better than most of them get, frankly. And then we sit around and blink and wonder why our teenagers rebel and hate us so much!
Kids aren’t possessions. They’re not pets or playthings. They’re not meant to be groomed in our image. They’re not meant to be trained or tormented. They’re not meant to spend their entire lives struggling to get out from under our thumbs. They’re not meant to follow in our footsteps or do what we never got to do when we were kids. They’re not meant to be taken for granted. They’re not meant to be punished, yelled at, bullied, or abused. They’re not meant to earn our love or prove themselves worthy to us.
They deserve unconditional love and support and freedom to be themselves. They’re meant to learn rapidly and grow like weeds. They’re meant to explore their world, to use their senses and push their edges and fall and get back up. They’re precious.
And eventually, they grow into parents. And the cycle starts over.
Your children are not obligated to repay you, but eventually, they will. You get to choose the method of payment, you get to influence that most vital of cycles.
What cycle do you want to encourage?
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22 Comments!
#2 Posted by 
Kristina B on May 8th, 2009 2:01 pm | link
And by “right” i meant “wright.” Talk about a Freudian slip. :)
#3 Posted by 
Hayden Tompkins on May 8th, 2009 2:29 pm | link
“Kids aren’t possessions. …They’re not meant to follow in our footsteps or do what we never got to do when we were kids. They’re not meant to be taken for granted…They’re not meant to earn our love or prove themselves worthy to us.”
Yes, Kyeli, YES. I am clapping my hands and nodding and cheering, and so very happy that you stood up for Paul. We do some of our worst stuff when we believe we are “saving” someone.
#4 Posted by 
JoVE on May 8th, 2009 7:24 pm | link
Excellent post. Just excellent. Your own kid is very lucky to have you for a mom.
#5 Posted by 
Green on May 9th, 2009 12:33 am | link
I don’t know that I agree with this. Maybe I do and I just don’t agree with the wording. I do agree that taking care of someone doesn’t mean they owe you their life, or that if Marc hadn’t taken Paul in that Paul wouldn’t have landed in a just-as-good situation elsewhere. But there’s a line that you draw in “I owe you nothing” that makes it seem as if kids are just entitled to everything they get. I DO disagree with cultivating fear and obligation- but I also feel that I owe my mother a great deal because she’s looked out for me for so long. Maybe it’s just love that does that, but I think she does deserve offspring that take care of her, or at least care about her. She’s taken care of us for many years. If she needs us, we should be there for her because we love her, AND because there’s a balance that we need to maintain and respect. If I just shrugged my shoulders and said “I don’t give a hoot about what you want and need” what kind of relationship are we going to have? Not a good one.
There’s a responsibility to treat your parents well if they’ve done well by you. There has to be. Now, I know parents whose children owe them nothing, because the parents treated them badly. But like any relationships you can have, you need to treat people well, especially the people you spend the majority of your time with.
Maybe they’re not obligated to “repay” you. But if you’re treating them well, then they should want to.
#6 Posted by 
Elly on May 9th, 2009 2:15 am | link
May have a fuller reaction when I’m not about to go to bed, but had to say: *purrs loudly* I fully, 110% support this sentiment, and very much agree with you!
#7 Posted by 
John Haydon on May 9th, 2009 12:06 pm | link
It takes a huge heart to be selfless. Parents who adopt have such an amazing mission to engender this selflessness into their adopted children. You can’t measure that impact!
Thanks, Kyeli!
#8 Posted by 
Ben D. on May 9th, 2009 2:27 pm | link
@Green, you said “There’s a responsibility to treat your parents well if they’ve done well by you. There has to be. Now, I know parents whose children owe them nothing, because the parents treated them badly.”
I’m not on board with the quid-pro-quo idea. I would rather say “I have a responsibility to treat my parents well because they’re my parents”. Period. Really the same point as the OP’s but in reverse.
Granted it’s a little different, because, as the OP pointed out, children don’t ask to be born. So parents have an extra-special duty to their children because they frigging brought them into the world.
But it seems like just about every culture has a tradition of filial piety. I think it’s fair to say that we all have an unconditional duty to our parents because, after all, they frigging brought us into the world.
#9 Posted by Green on May 9th, 2009 5:27 pm | link
@Ben That’s very true. It’s a very intuitive thing that I don’t know how to explain in words. But anyone takes care of me, listens to me, feeds me, loves me and encourages me for 20 years, and I’m sure as heck gonna feel that I owe them something… at the very least love and respect. Multiply that by the fact that they did all this taking care of me during a 2-5 year period when I was totally helpless? Yeah, I think I owe them a hug and a nice word.
Children don’t ask to be born but some parents don’t ask to be parents. And I just don’t mean through surprise pregnancy. It happens through family fatalities, falling in love with single parent, ect. I don’t think you owe these people anymore than you do someone that chose you, but as I said earlier- if someone takes care of you and parents you for a number of years and you don’t feel like you at least owe them respect… there’s something deeper in that situation that needs examining.
I’m also gonna take a minute to say that the cleanliness of a kid’s room is a crappy way to tell if they appreciate your presence in their life. Now if he’s smashing his toys with hammers and pouring jelly on piles of clothes, that’s ungrateful. And weird. But I don’t see how someone’s adoptive aunt should be passing judgment on a kid’s messy habits.. unless there’s more to it than that. In that respect I think I’d have told her she was overreacting.
#10 Posted by 
Geek's Dream Girl on May 10th, 2009 11:55 pm | link
This is exactly why my mother and I don’t speak anymore.
She sees her children as a means to pay for her retirement and even tried to push me into getting my degree in Pharmacy for the reason: “Then you can pay for my retirement.” My brother and I got tired of her trying to run our lives, so we unplugged. Let me tell you, we’re both WAY HAPPIER without her. It drives me nuts when people pull the “She’s your mother, you’ll regret it when she’s not around anymore” card. Unless you know how I grew up, the way our relationship poisoned me, then you have no right to tell me that I *have* to have a relationship with my mother.
Parents: Your children don’t belong to you. You are responsible for raising them in a way that makes them well-rounded, critical thinkers and ethical human beings. Beyond that, everything is their choice because it’s their life. :-)
Geek’s Dream Girl’s last blog post..Top 5 Reasons I Want To Date Wolverine
#11 Posted by 
Ealasaid on May 11th, 2009 1:45 pm | link
I’m checking out the site for the first time and I was nodding my head and muttering “rock on!” til I got to this part of the above post: “And eventually, they grow into parents. And the cycle starts over.”
Admittedly, the post was clearly directed at parents, but come on, loads of people choose not to reproduce or adopt — and some of your childed readers’ kids will be in that group. I’m disappointed to see such a mainstream assumption (ie, that everyone will have kids) in an ostensibly freak-oriented blog.
#12 Posted by 
Kyeli on May 11th, 2009 1:50 pm | link
@Ealasaid: You’re right. I was talking to the parents in our audience, since those are the ones who will treat their children one way or another – and that was the cycle I was discussing here, since if you’re not a parent, you won’t treat your kid as an obligation. I’m not sure how I could have worded that better given my point.
But thank you for bringing up willingly child-free people. I’m fully aware of them, know many, and meant no offense.
#13 Posted by 
Nathalie Lussier on May 12th, 2009 12:52 pm | link
Wow, just wow. I agree! I felt myself in a lot of the words you wrote, as the child. I’m not a parent yet, but this short post is enough to influence the way I will look at and think about my future children!
Thank you, you rock! :)
Nathalie Lussier’s last blog post..Gratitude Monday #6: Baby Everything Edition!
#14 Posted by 
Sarah Marie Lacy on May 22nd, 2009 9:40 am | link
Oh boyyy, did this ever strike a chord with me. I get really wound up about this too, especially since I still live at home.
You do not have kids to raise the next Martha Stewart. You do not have kids to have someone else to take your problems out on. And if you do?
Your kids owe you nothing. Anything they owe is to themselves, and that’s the journey to figure out who they really are.
Sarah xoxo
Sarah Marie Lacy’s last blog post..Interactions with a Clutter Monster.
#15 Posted by Two Gifts of Unrequited Love on May 26th, 2009 1:18 pm | link
[...] loving parents consciously bring a child into this world, they don’t see their child as being obligated to repay them. They brought their child into this world unconditionally, wanting the best for their child — [...]
#16 Posted by 
Kate on December 11th, 2009 11:13 am | link
*Standing ovation*
This is something I feel really, really passionately about (having been one of those children who was expected to be grateful), and it’s so great to see someone putting the point so eloquently. Thank you.
#17 Posted by 
Ren on April 14th, 2010 11:37 am | link
I think there is a danger when a parent feels a child “should” anything. In any relationship, if we have “shoulds” it can get in the way of what IS. If you raise your child with respect and kindness and they DON’T act grateful, then what? Then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and unhealthy relationships.
This blogpost is spot on! Our children don’t owe us anything, I DO however, owe them the very best parent and friend I can possibly be to them. If they are grateful for that one day…so be it. If not, then I maybe did my job really well…in that they took for granted they deserved kindness and respect from day one. I’m not being their parent to exact gratitude from them. So far, that’s worked out really well for us. Ren, currently Mum to 20y.o., 16y.o., 13y.o. and 9y.o. who thankfully take my kindness for granted…for the most part and treat others with much kindness most of the time. :)
#18 Posted by 
Amberlee on April 14th, 2010 12:48 pm | link
We have been having a discussion about how people decide to have or adopt children to maintain the LOOK of things. We call them Pet Children because they are treated no better or worse than the dog. Thanks for this post! Awesome! My children didn’t choose to be part of our family, but I can welcome them here and be there for them and love them regardless of choices or differences in how they think or things they like and what I like…I hope to work on our relationship and let them know I love them always…
#19 Posted by 
deb(bie debbie doo) on April 14th, 2010 6:26 pm | link
“What cycle do you want to encourage?” go shout it from the mountain Kyeli! You totally rocked this one…
And my 16yr old, reading over my shoulder, just said: “”That is exactly right!”
#20 Posted by 
Lisa on April 14th, 2010 7:56 pm | link
Damn straight.
Lisa´s last blog ..What is obvious? (About war) 
#21 Posted by 
Bob Collier on April 14th, 2010 10:46 pm | link
My children don’t have nothing to repay me for – I want to repay them for making a better person out of me.
#22 Posted by 
widd84 on April 15th, 2010 12:00 am | link
Saw this post linked thru a facebook page… This really sums up my mother’s idea of parenting and now that I’m an adult she’s constantly backwardly insinuating that because she did this or that for me growing up, that I owe her. I feel that as my mother it was simply her duty and if she didn’t want to do all the things that go along with parenting then maybe she should have bought a dog.
And something else that always irritates me… others have commented about willingly child-less people and I would be one of them. I am not a mothering type and have never really felt I wanted children. People (especially much older — age 60 or more — women) are always shocked and amazed that I don’t want kids and usually the first thing they say is, “But who do you think is going to take care of you when you’re old?”. As if having children is a foolproof plan for your elderly care. Sorry, but I wouldn’t feel it fair to saddle my children with the burden of taking care of me if I make to an old, old age.
#1 Posted by
Kristina B on May 8th, 2009 2:01 pm | link
Yes, thank you, and happy mother’s day to someone who has (in my not-so-humble opinion) the exact right attitude about parenting. You should right a Usual Error style book about parenting and then, honestly, everyone that doesn’t read it should be sterilized. I know that sounds harsh, but boy do I think the world would be a better place if everyone followed the advice in this post.
(I will now stop talking like an extremist, which I am not really, but your post struck a chord with me.)