Shifting sands.
by Kyeli on May 18th, 2009 @ 9:30 am in
Connection Paradigm
Over this weekend past, I underwent a lot of change.
Truth be told, I secretly underwent a lot of change when I wasn’t paying attention, and last weekend it all came out.
I have this inner lake. Vast, dark, still waters. Epiphanies and important things and events will sometimes plop in and make ripples, and the sands at the bottom shift. It can be moments or days before I feel the shifts.
Last weekend was very shifty.
I gave my ratlings up for adoption. I’ve always considered myself an animal person. I wanted to have lots of cats, rats, birds, fish, maybe even a dog or two. But at some point, that shifted. The pets I had became too much. Given that the ratlings were also terrified of the cats, and I couldn’t spend enough time with them to soothe their fears, I realized the best thing to do was give them up – even though it broke my heart.
My identity shifts. I am no longer an animal person.
I babysat my sweet adorable toddler “nephew” overnight. He was his sweet adorable self and we had a lot of fun (and a lot of baths). But by the time his parents picked him up, I was utterly exhausted. At one point, he was screaming his fool head off because I had to change his diaper. He was screaming and screaming and wiggling and wiggling. I said, “Darling, if you hate having your diaper changed so much, being still makes far more sense. If you’re still, I can finish much faster, and we can get back to playing much sooner.”
I realized I was talking to someone much older than he. A toddler doesn’t communicate like I do, like my pre-teen son does. And it frustrated me severely!
After I finished changing him, I sat back on my heels and watched him continue to scream and thrash. He was so caught up in his protests, he hadn’t realized that I was finished. I watched, he screamed. After a moment, he rolled and found that he could move, so he stopped screaming – immediately – and went on his merry way. I continued sitting, breathing deeply. I felt different, more clear.
My identity shifts. I no longer want more children.
We think of identity as static. We are who we are, and that rarely fundamentally changes. Sure, we tweak. We grow. We make adjustments. But we rarely, if ever, make changes in the who-we-are part of who we are.
But shifts in who we are make us more real. More clear. More open and more honest. Acknowledging our inner shifting sands brings us clarity and hones our knowledge – not just of our selves – but of the world around us. Because we are our world. Our change brings change.
- Related posts:
- Freaky Thursday: Kyeli’s coming out story
Have you read the Freak Revolution Manifesto? It tells the story of why there is so much hurt and sadness in the world, and how we can heal through connection.
6 Comments!
#2 Posted by 
Jessica on May 18th, 2009 3:22 pm | link
What a timely post for me. Then again, I always resonate with what I want to find online. Ask and it is Given sort of thing.
I was just thinking that I’m slowly shifting towards someone who’s a bit of a neat freak, a far, far cry from my slobbish ways, of living out of boxes. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, to have an apt where I feel safe, where I feel like it’s really MY place, my home and I actually want to take care of it.
I’m also light years away from being the employee who breezes in 10 seconds before the 5 minute grace period ends. I also don’t run to the bus stop anymore, hair flying everywhere. Getting out of bed early, still needs some work, yes. But I am no longer the “late Jess”. And that’s scary to accept in a way.
Thank you for reminding me that it’s okay for me to recognize this shifts that I’m still inherently me, a neater, less stressed out me.
#3 Posted by 
Jen Mathis on May 18th, 2009 3:45 pm | link
The hardest thing for me to acknowledge was not the change in myself, but that I have “dug myself in” so deeply to the lifestyle I *thought* I wanted, that it’s now hard to break free and pursue my current dreams.
These things, vestiges of my former, perceived “best lifestyle,” are things not easily gotten rid of, such as a house and 50 pounds of excess body weight.
Jen Mathis’s last blog post..If the object of the game is “give the doll a purple crotch,” I win.
#4 Posted by 
Michael on May 18th, 2009 4:27 pm | link
Holding frantically to a self-image that is no longer true can create a very damaging dissonance.
The shifts are (usually) slow and small, it only seems huge when you look up and notice how far you’ve come, when you hear the dissonance.
I’m glad you embrace the change, ’cause it happens anyway. Knowing it is going on also gives you some directional control, like pruning a plant.
*hugs*
#5 Posted by 
kate on May 18th, 2009 5:07 pm | link
wow the visual in this post is beautiful! I absolutely envision a lake in a cave underground (since, you know, it’s inside and all!)
So often we run around and move move move hurry hurry hurry and just do what we think we should or have always done. But to take a moment, even a small moment, to notice and acknowledge a given situation and how it affects you is eye opening. To notice change is to change – and those small changes build and build and help guide you to the bigger changes in your life. It’s comforting, no, empowering, to know when you are not happy about something, noticing the small changes can create that shift and move you towards a happier place.
Thanks for the MUCH needed reminder!
#6 Posted by 
Pam/Moon'slark on May 20th, 2009 2:35 pm | link
I have to say that this post came JUST at the right time for me.
I have been feeling so… stuckified? Overwhelmed? Drained? Trapped? all of the above??? Likely that last one.
Anyway, I had been trying to write a post on my blog regarding a comment I got a while ago where someone I no longer wished to associate with attacked me by stating that I had sold out my values because I haven’t been able to get to the point in my life where I can safely reclaim my spirituality — I have been dealing with so much that I haven’t been able to look at the very thing this person had decided (for me) was the most important aspect of who I was (for him)…
And I couldn’t explain to him or other Pagan friends or even MYSELF why I was different now that i had gone through the things I have been going through, why I wasn’t ready to deal with things like spirituality and creativity while I was still struggling to find a sense of who I was and where I belonged.
But maybe this is normal? To feel that something has changed, that there is something that shifted, like a ripple in the pond or sand blowing over and covering soemthing up, or just growing to reach higher or farther?
Anway… point being that this has really helped me get to writing the things that I need to write to untangle the thought threads that have been confusing me…
Thanks
Pam/Moon’slark’s last blog post..“Cell phones aren’t CUTE”
#1 Posted by
low voltage wiring on May 18th, 2009 11:49 am | link
First off, I would like to say this is a great blog and site! I found it through The Discomfort Zone.
It’s amazing how we change throughout the years, from a child to the teenage years and finally to adulthood. Our needs and desires are always shifting. I’m 24 now and wonder what I’m going to want with my life when I’m 30! Damn, that’s a scary thought.