I want money. Pace’s money.
by Kyeli on June 29th, 2009 @ 9:30 am in
How To Be Awesome
Tags: money, solving hard problems
Pace and I have opposing money issues. She hoards, I spend. Mayhem often ensues.
I’m not a wild crazy stereotypical debt-accruing wife.
I’m the House Maintainer, the Logistical Manager, the Caretaker, and the Errand-Runner. I get groceries, make sure we all have clothes that fit and shoes that are comfy, keep track of eye exams and dental appointments, doctor and vet visits. I make sure Dru’s education needs are met, that he gets to take classes when he wants (when feasible), that he gets workbooks and videos. I make sure our entertainment needs are met, that we get to see a movie now and then and get to eat out on occasion, and that we’re spending quality time with our friends.
Also, my primary love language involves gift giving and receiving, so it’s important for me to be able to spend money on that from time to time as well.
But we were having major money issues. All the time.
Our biggest problem, the one thing we fought, argued, bickered, and discussed more than anything else in our lives was money. We made budgets, we made agreements, we made promises. We fell apart and reworked things and tried again and tried harder. We yelled, we cried, we struggled.
And then I solved it.
I solved it by admitting I couldn’t solve it.
One night, we had another major money battle. We were facing off; Pace was on one couch, arms crossed, eyebrows down, anger in her eyes. I was on the other, arms crossed, trembling, frustrated tears running down my face. We’d been at it for an hour at least, and I was getting weary and heartsick.
Then I took a deep breath and burst into tears. “I can’t do this alone. I’m addicted to money, I’m addicted to spending, and I’ve got all this responsibility but no power and am constantly feeling like I’m stealing from you!”
Immediately, Pace was on my couch, arms around me. We were on the same team, me and her against the problem. I cried for a good twenty minutes, and she simply held me. After I wept it all out, we started talking.
We talked until we came up with a plan.
We talked and talked and talked. We thought and thought. We discussed, we planned, we compromised, we discussed.
See what was missing? We didn’t argue. We didn’t bicker, we didn’t fight, no voices were raised. Not even for a moment, not even once.
As soon as we realized we were on the same team, we started acting like it. And it made all the difference. But we couldn’t have gotten there had I not admitted that I have a serious problem. I asked for Pace’s help, she promised to help me, and we went forward together.
I grew up in an environment where money was invisible.
We always had it. We ate out all the time, my brother and I never wanted for anything, and I never heard my parents discuss it or argue about it. The only thing missing was education; I had no idea how to manage money. I didn’t learn it when I moved out on my own, either. I would spend rent money on a trip to the movies and eating out, and then panic when I didn’t have rent money.
Over the past few years, I’ve gotten considerably better. But our budget had holes in it, and I wasn’t careful at times, and it all added up to constant strife between me (the spender) and Pace (the hoarder). It was difficult to see the problems because I’m responsible for the family spending, but we figured it out.
Our solution is cool. And annoying to the bank.
We switched to cash.
Now, every week, I go to the bank and withdraw the week’s spending money (groceries, gas, education, well-being, etc). I divvy it up and put each section in a compartment in my awesome accordion wallet.
This way, it’s impossible for me to overspend. When we’re out, we’re out. End of story. We wait til the next week for anything else. For myself, I opened my own checking account for my personal spending money, and I keep close track of that with the help of an app on my handy-dandy iPhone.
And I learned a cool thing.
Money isn’t real to me if it’s not cash.
When I’m paying for things in cash, I get it. I grok that I’m giving away our money, the money Pace works hard for in the mornings and we work hard for together in the afternoons. It’s real, and I really get it.
When I’m paying with a credit card, it’s all just numbers. Math. Invisible. Endless! We’ll never run out of numbers!
But we will run out of cash. All-too-soon, if I’m not careful. I can see it dwindle from my wallet. I can see the compartments get emptier every time I buy something.
And you know what? I haven’t run out of a single section yet.
Two weeks in, nearly three, and I’ve still got carry-overs from the previous weeks.
At first, I was accountable by giving Pace receipts for everything. But we quickly realized that wasn’t even necessary, because I can’t go over. I’ve made promises not to withdraw money without talking to Pace, and I won’t break those. I’ve given up all my credit cards. And I deal only in cash.
In the end, it was realizing that I had a problem that solved the problem. I can’t solve what I don’t acknowledge, no matter how hard I try – and I tried hard. Over and over and over. But as soon as I admitted it, when I owned up to it, I solved it.
And things are already huge lots better, and improving all the time.
- Related posts:
- How I overcame my fear of running out of money
Are you ready to stop reading about how to be awesome and start living it? Our 52 Weeks to Awesome e-course is open for registration! With a commitment of just an hour per week, you can be living an awesome life in 52 baby steps. What better time to start than now?
11 Comments!
#2 Posted by 
Megan M. on June 29th, 2009 12:31 pm | link
I love that you discovered a solution that worked so well! Brilliant!
Megan M.’s last blog post..Wherein I Pimp the Living Shit Out of CrossFit Central
#3 Posted by 
Jessica on June 29th, 2009 1:07 pm | link
I think that this is such an awesome post… it deals with emotions and fears and money, all the stuff I like to read about on the WWW. It’s true that money feels more real and you’re more conscious of when you’re spending with REAL money. Another thing that really connected me to the power of my money was trying out a No Spend Week when I limited myself to 40$ for the week.
SmallNotebook started doing this three years ago and just, just published an adorable news clip of their TV interview with their adorable-steal-the-show two year old :)
http://smallnotebook.org/2009/06/29/looking-forward-to-no-spend-month/
Aprovechar is also doing the challenge:
http://aprovechar.danandsally.com/?p=708
I’m not brave enough for a full month, but a week was eye opening for me.
Anyways, hugs to both of you for being able to communicate, learn, grow and love each other so much :D
#4 Posted by 
Tari on June 29th, 2009 1:11 pm | link
This is totally my own solution to my crap skills with managing money; switching to cash – while shockingly old-fashioned to most people (apparently) – totally helped me stop looking at money as some kind of endless abstract concept, and start seeing it as a physical manifestation of real-life (finite) resources.
I suspect there are a lot of people with similar experiences, but there’s such weirdness around money stuff that nobody ever discusses it. Yay for you for breaking that ridiculous silence!!
Tari’s last blog post..Sunshine and darkness and time passing.
#5 Posted by 
Sea on June 29th, 2009 8:05 pm | link
Hey, neat, I’ve been thinking about this myself. I’m about to strike out on my own for the first time, and I have been trying to figure out how exactly to do this whole money thing. The Internets have informed me of this solution, calling it envelope budgeting, and I’m thinking of doing something similar. Hope it works for me, too!
#6 Posted by 
kate on June 30th, 2009 7:46 am | link
wow, seriously, my husband and i have been having these same ‘conversations’ over and over and over and over and over! And have been trying to figure out options. I am going to suggest this one to him too!! i love this! I had heard about this (and my aunt used to do this!) but was thinking what a PAIN for me… never occurred to me to share it with the more spendy one :)
Obviously there is much more to ever money/relationship situation – but thank you SO MUCH for sharing your pain and resolution!! Seriously helped me see things just enough differently that i believe it will help facilitate some good conversations and get some ideas flowing for my family too!!
#7 Posted by 
Tara on June 30th, 2009 3:23 pm | link
Thank you so much for sharing so openly! Money can be so *icky* to talk about and your talking about it clearly and without shame, is a fabulous example. Thanks!
Tara’s last blog post..One More Day!
#8 Posted by 
Nathalie Lussier on July 2nd, 2009 12:25 pm | link
I really like these open posts, because it gives us a glimpse into what it’s like for other people. My boyfriend & I tend to have fairly separate bank accounts and spending habits. We split on food, and bills, but other than that our discretionary spending is ours alone. I have a feeling though that when we move in together more permanently, this might change.
Oh, and it’s cool because my boyfriend’s love language is also gifts, but I’m not always on the ball when it comes to gift giving. I’m putting your system in place to help me figure out what he wants. :)
Thanksies!
Nathalie Lussier’s last blog post..Why It’s Easier to Go Raw Than To Become Vegan
#9 Posted by 
Pam Hogeweide on July 3rd, 2009 3:00 am | link
great post! after 21 years of marriage, and hubby is the financier of the family (simply because he is better at it and not for any other reason) i can say that the number one thing we have battled over is Money. And you nailed it, totally nailed it, when you likened the possession of money to the possession of power. Money = Power.
I came to realize several years ago that I have been like a little girl when it comes to money. Jerry takes care of the bills (I don’t even know when they are due, or usually how much they are…unless we have the ‘money talk’ and I get an updated report)…
I am like you, Kyeli, I run the household, take care of groceries and the kids and social stuff like gifts, etc…I do my best to spend wisely. I don’t like using credit cards and would LOVE to go on the envelope system. I have suggested this for years…YEARS…and well, we pick the battles don’t we, and he really, really doesn’t want to do the envelope-cash thing, so Ok, we won’t. Mostly we manage. We pay our bill off every month. We’ve never had a major financial crisis in more than two decades of marriage. And I am not such a little girl anymore about the state of our finances.
I think it is admirable how the two of you have taken a conflict and come up with a solution that works for you. Of course this doesn’t mean you’ll never argue about money again….but this is such a wonderful way to manage money (power!) wisely and to keep the relationship harmonious. You inspire me!
Have a great and safe weekend. Happy Fourth!
Pam Hogeweide’s last blog post..Demotivational Devotional: Unpurposed Living {Day Four}
#10 Posted by 
Rachel on July 3rd, 2009 3:23 pm | link
I’ve heard switching to cash works for many people. I’m a bit of a natural hoarder anyway, but what I find interesting is that I have to do the opposite. Cash isn’t real to me. If I have cash, it always disappears pretty quickly. I do almost all of my budgeting using my debit card. The money in my account is real to me. The money I take out of it with my card is real to me. Once it’s cash, it’s not in my account and I can’t count on it any more. It’s not there to be relied on, and since I know it’ll vanish soon anyway, I’ve already pretty much given up on it. Just part of how people vary. I’m glad you found something that works for you.
#11 Posted by 
Andy on July 18th, 2009 5:46 am | link
i’m the same way about money not being real unless it’s cash… only with the opposite result. unless it’s cash in my hand, i’m afraid to spend it, because in my head, it’s not really there.
it makes me amazing at saving money, but it makes me really, really bad about taking care of myself. i convince myself that i really can’t afford that awesome salad, so i’ll buy the cheap microwave dinner instead, or that i can’t afford to go out of the house and do this awesome thing that i know will help me feel human again, so i stay home and continue feeling worn down by household chores.
though, after being unemployed for a Long Time, and *really* having no money, it’s a lot easier for me to realize how important taking care of myself really is, so when i *do* get money, i’m less likely to put off my well being for a fatter savings account.
#1 Posted by
Pace on June 29th, 2009 10:24 am | link
I’m really impressed with the way you’re handling this whole thing, Kye. You’re observing yourself and improving your life without judging yourself super harshly. That just creates a black hole of blame and nothing good can ever escape it. I’m also very impressed with your courage in sharing it with everyone here.
xoxo <3