Cutting out the dark to let out the light.
by Kyeli on August 31st, 2009 @ 9:30 am in
How To Be Awesome
Recently, I started questioning my movie choices.
I realized that a lot of the movies we watch hurt me. Um, not that they physically jump off the shelves and hit me – that’d be really weird. Weirder than the usual weird of my life, actually.
Anyway.
I’ve been doing work with lots of awesome people (hellloooo, awesome people! I love you!). In a session with Goddess Leonie, I said, “How can I be full of light and joy and peace if I bombard myself with darkness and fear and ick?”
The answer came to me in a flash:
You can’t.
You can’t.
The other night, we watched Watchmen. It was generally dark and disturbing, but there was one scene that downright terrified me.
The scene with the dogs.
There’s a scene – and it’s meant to be darker than the rest, meant to be harsh, meant to freak you right the fuck out, because it’s the breaking point for one of the main characters – where there are two dogs fighting over a bone. Zoom in, and it’s a human leg bone, complete with tiny human girl shoe on the remains of a tiny human girl foot.
I nearly puked.
I felt wounded by this scene. I curled up under my blanket and shivered, tears rolling down my cheeks as Pace wrapped me in her arms.
The movie ended and I questioned why I’d watched it. Had I been enriched? No. Had I been delighted? No, quite the opposite. The experience was a net negative for me.
This bolstered my ruminations on bringing in what we seek to put out.
Then, we went to see District 9 – and my feelings were cemented.
I’m not opposed to violence. In fact, I think not being able to punch someone in the jaw when they really really deserve it is part of what’s wrong with our society. But I am opposed to extreme violence, unnecessary violence, gore, and overt excessive dark.
Won’t someone please think of the children?
There’s always been all this hullabaloo about what our kids consume. Parents wanting radio stations and television stations and internet stations to censor what people say/sing/write/perform to protect the kids.
Personally, I feel parents need to protect their own kids. Watch what they watch, consume what they consume, and they’ll be fine.
But, why do we consume things we wouldn’t want our children to consume? Why listen to something you don’t want them to hear? Why watch something you don’t want them to see?
Because they’re too young. They’re too innocent. They wouldn’t understand. They’re too fragile.
I’m fragile, and I like me this way.
Yes! Right! Exactly!
But we’ve taken in so much of it, so much of the soul-smooshing darkness and violence, that we’re numb.
We’ve lost our connections with our inner children, so we no longer see a need to protect them.
The night after I watched Watchmen and District 9, I lay awake in bed. Pace snoozed beside me, but I couldn’t sleep. I kept seeing apocalyptic visions. I kept worrying about my son (safe in Dallas with his uncle). I kept worrying about monsters under my bed or in my neighborhood or seeping through my doors. I rolled over to hold Pace, but exposing my back made my skin crawl.
I was terrified.
I thought to myself, “Kyeli, you’re old enough to know better! There aren’t any monsters under your bed or in the closet! You’re perfectly safe. Go to sleep!”
But I would never say that to a terrified child.
I would hold her and comfort her. I would assure her that I would protect her. I would tell her that she was safe – not because those monsters don’t exist, because that won’t work on a terrified child – but because I would keep her that way. And I would. I would protect her.
But I’m not protecting myself – and I need protection. I’m fragile. I’m very sensitive. I’m trusting. I’m emotional. And I’m bombarding myself with movies and other media that cause a very real sense of doom and despair, terror and eminent danger, even at times when I’m rationally perfectly safe.
Our brains don’t know the difference between a movie and a real-life experience. Movies are geared to draw us in, to blur the line. We connect with the characters, sympathize with them, hurt when they hurt and fear what they fear – and our brains think we’re right there beside them. There’s nothing in our meaty selves to separate what we see from what we think we’re experiencing – and that’s why movies work. (Books work this way, too.)
So if you watch a movie where the main character gets brutally murdered after you get a chance to connect with that character, your brain thinks you’ve just lost someone you care about – and that you’re in danger.
That’s part of the thrill.
But it’s part of the problem, too.
Cutting out the dark to let out the light.
I have decided to go on a 30-day hiatus from consuming things that make me feel less than awesome. No more horror. No more blood and gore. No more dark thrillers. No more psychological thrillers.
I feel more peaceful already. I feel like a burden that I wasn’t aware of has already been lifted. I feel more relaxed and more joyous.
The mere thought of cutting out so much terror and horror has already made space for more light to shine.
What makes you feel dim? What can you do to increase your light?
- Related posts:
- “The Body Sacred” part three: on the lack of male in my life
- Expanding your edges as growth.
- Good news! I don’t hate men!
- A violation of boundaries is never okay.
- Your Imaginary Monkeysphere
Are you ready to stop reading about how to be awesome and start living it? Our 52 Weeks to Awesome e-course is open for registration! With a commitment of just an hour per week, you can be living an awesome life in 52 baby steps. What better time to start than now?
22 Comments!
#2 Posted by 
Kathryn on August 31st, 2009 12:02 pm | link
I’ve done this. Why anyone watches violence for entertainment escapes me…..Or watches characters act out painful situations real humans are facing? Sociologically, I get it. Personally I have a choice.
Good for you.
#3 Posted by 
Pace on August 31st, 2009 12:08 pm | link
@Nathalie: I’ll take that one off my to-watch list. I’m trying this experiment along with Kyeli, too.
Anyone know how dark The Fall is? It looks beautiful but may be too dark for September.
#4 Posted by 
Moon'slark on August 31st, 2009 12:10 pm | link
Wow… I remember watching the watchmen on the plane on the way back from vacation with the kids and it leaving me with not only confusion (not having ever read any of the Watchmen graphic novel) but a sense of griminess and ick. I was left feeling, as I am so often with movies like that, of a feeling of being LESS than rather than “more than” after watching it.
This is a great idea! I don’t watch a lot of violent things myself, but I think I’m going to start tracking things that I watch and read and use to entertain myself, and just what visceral feelings I do have for them instead of trying to only see things in a logical light.
#5 Posted by 
Charon on August 31st, 2009 12:13 pm | link
Wow, thank you for posting this. I tend to feel like I’m the only one feeling this way about media and entertainment and it’s very comforting to know that I’m not alone out here.
While I think it is very good to be taken out of my comfort zone in order to change my perspective on things on a regular basis I don’t think excesive gore or extreme violence do anything to improve my life in a positive fashion.
I’ve had enough of the latter perpetrated upon my person in my lifetime that I’m unable and unwilling to partake of it for the sake of entertainment.
#6 Posted by 
Sonia Simone on August 31st, 2009 12:21 pm | link
(nodding head) Me too. I was always pretty sensitive (I can’t bear horror movies and never could), but once I had a kid, it got about 100x stronger.
I’ve also stopped watching the news, and I’m especially vigilant about local news, which really tends to be a snake pit. I don’t need to be “informed” about the darkest stories of the human condition. I already know about those. The more dark scary stuff I let into my consciousness, the less able I am to help those I can help.
I like the way you’re honoring & protecting yourself the same way you would your child. I’ve found that to be tremendously helpful with my own stuff.
#7 Posted by 
kate on August 31st, 2009 12:34 pm | link
yes yes! i learned early that i can’t handle violence or scary movies for the very reasons you mentioned. I am a visual person and for hours (sometimes days!) my brain will replay flashes from the movies i have seen. this is NOT GOOD when you are scared by these movies as the emotions come along with them. I also learned this year that i am also sensitive to the underscore music of tv and film. While i always knew music was emotional to me, i never put the two together (duh!) until watching the TV show Lost. I realized i was trembling – but would stop during the commercials. It actually took me multiple episodes to realize this!! And i wasn’t gaining anything from it so i just stopped watching. Not worth the overactive adrenaline for an hour (or more).
YAY! LIGHT! much easier to be full of light when you are smiling and laughing both on the inside and out :) yayayaa! Our children show us what our expectations really are, if we don’t (or do) want them to experience something, maybe it’s a hint that we do the same for ourselves. thank you so much for sharing!!
#8 Posted by 
Ealasaid on August 31st, 2009 12:37 pm | link
I’m a movie reviewer on the side and see about 50 movies a year (more if you count the short films I watch at the local film festival). One thing I’ve learned over the years is that boy howdy people react to films in different ways. I think it’s smart to figure out what movies you like, what movies make you feel good, and to have no shame in refusing to watch ones that aren’t like that. Me, I’ve cut out what I call “torture porn” — movies like the “Saw” franchise, movies like “Hostel.” I can appreciate the special effects, but I don’t find them enjoyable. They make me feel vaguely ill. People got on my case for not reviewing “The Passion of the Christ,” but I said, hey, I didn’t review “Saw” either. I get to pick the movies I review, thank you very much.
Me, I looooooved “Watchmen” — I like the ambiguity of it, the fact that there are no perfect characters. I love talking about it with people, especially ones who don’t entirely agree with my assessment of Dr. Manhattan. But it most assuredly isn’t for everyone.
#9 Posted by 
John on August 31st, 2009 1:02 pm | link
I like watching movies like The Dark Knight and Watchmen. I see it as kind of an emotional workout. I think it’s perfectly healthy to be exposed to these dark, morally ambiguous scenarios. You get to see who you sympathize with emotionally. You get to see the effects dark characters have on the people they effect, and on you as an observer. I think it’s always valuable to be exposed to new perspectives so that we can evaluate them on their own merits, maybe take some useful bits into our own lives, and know what bits we must reject.
Should our children never be exposed to the horrors of history? I’m not a parent, but I think it’s important for every generation to know what humans are capable of, and to be able to identify morals and behaviors that they would reject.
Although I agree with Ealasaid on the “torture porn.” I too haven’t watched the Saw movies, but from what I understand it’s just a showcase of gore and little in the way of exploring the characters involved.
#10 Posted by 
KN on August 31st, 2009 1:12 pm | link
“The Fall” is beautiful. It deals with how we deal with trauma and jealousy and suchlike, illustrating both strategies that work and strategies that don’t – those that move us closer to death and those that move us closer to life. As such, there’s darkness in it, but it ends very well. There’s no gore, per se, but there is some stylized violence and some fairly bizarre physical moments (a shaman vomits up a flock of birds, for example, both powerful and disturbing).
The thing most likely to put you off the film (at least for now) is the frame story – the adventure story that you see in the trailers is being told to a little girl by an injured movie stuntman who is attempting to befriend her so that he can talk her into getting him enough morphine to kill himself over a woman who doesn’t love him. He is, of course, eventually transformed by the experience, and all is well, but it’s still pretty heavy subject matter.
#11 Posted by 
Tari on August 31st, 2009 1:16 pm | link
Yeah, this is a big thing for me, too, and has been since I was a kid. I avoid scary movies and TV shows and books, because my imagination will run buck wild and give me nightmares and freak me out about perfectly non-scary situations. Like, for example, after watching “It,” I would get totally freaked out by certain kinds of sinks (no joke!). Or not being able to look in a mirror for almost ten years because of a throwaway scene from Twin Peaks. Or a ridiculous fear of sharks that I still have to this day – even in swimming pools (thank you Steven Speilberg and the animatronics lab).
Some people enjoy the adrenaline from this kind of thing, I guess, but I think the world is a grim, scary enough place all on its own. When I am looking to be entertained, I would like to feel *good* and not afraid. I haven’t watched a horror movie (that I can remember, anyway), or even a thriller, in maybe fifteen years, and I feel friggin’ great about it. I watch a lot of bad Rom Coms and cheesy action comedies and earnest costume dramas, and you know what? Colin Firth never gives me nightmares!
Enjoy your break!
#12 Posted by 
Sheila on August 31st, 2009 4:40 pm | link
I’ve always been way too sensitive for most horror movies and I’ve never felt a reason to apologize for it. I just say “I don’t really like those kinds of movies” and leave it at that.
If I do find something getting to me, my usual defense mechanism is to watch for the seams. Focus on the latex, the CGI, the cutaway or whatever movie trick they use to simulate the disturbance. I’ll even pull back far enough to stop seeing the character and start seeing the actor and think things like “man, that must have been a hell of a shooting schedule.” (It helps that I know people who have worked on films.) If you find yourself stuck in a room with a film on (say, on an airplane) you might try that trick in case you need it.
#13 Posted by 
Jennifer on August 31st, 2009 8:22 pm | link
Thanks for this post – I totally agree with being aware and sensitive to what you take in, especially with movies/television. Like @sonia and others above, I rarely watch the news (because it’s so rarely news?) and avoid horror movies and war movies. Why would I want to watch something that makes me feel so awful and takes pleasure in doing so?
#14 Posted by 
Clare K. R. Miller on August 31st, 2009 9:00 pm | link
I half feel like I agree with you, and half don’t. On the one hand, just that description of the scene makes me sick and makes me not want to see Watchmen (though I still plan to read the book at some point). I know I’ve had similar reactions to other things. There are books, like House of Leaves, that I can only read during the day so I won’t have nightmares. On the other hand, I adore the recent Sweeney Todd movie and own it on DVD, despite all the blood and despite waiting to watch it until I was sure I’d have a few hours before going to sleep. And House of Leaves is an incredibly good book.
I think the main difference for me is story. I’m a writer, after all. That little anecdote is devoid of story, so it’s pure disgust to me. I couldn’t watch torture porn (as described above!) or slasher movies, because the story isn’t worth it. But stories, and truth in stories, are important to me, and violence can be true. That’s not to say that non-violent stories can’t be true, because they absolutely can, just as well as violent stories can. The same goes for sex–in fact, I thought you were going to make a point about how parents these days try to shield their parents from sex, but not some violence!
So I couldn’t do it, but I hope it works out for you.
#15 Posted by 
Liz on September 1st, 2009 12:26 am | link
Loving this juicy discussion… I too have always been way too sensitive to watch horror movies of any sort. In college I went to see “An American Werewolf in London” because friends told me it was really funny. I walked out as soon as it got gross- feeling only a little embarrassed. Since then, I’ve pretty much held the line on what I’ll watch and what I won’t. Like Sonia, once I had a kid, a whole bunch more movies dropped off the list. Anything where a kid gets hurt or is even threatened- no way am I watching that. We were living in Arlington, VA on September 11, and I can tell you I had absolutely no interest in any movie or TV show where things were getting blown up. That such things could be billed as entertainment was simply beyond me for quite a while.
If I want entertainment, I’ll pop in a rom com or something with a happy ending.
For me it’s about choosing the things that make me feel good, and uplifted rather than icky and dark. And that’s what I would choose for kids as well.
#16 Posted by 
Lydia, CluelessCrafter on September 1st, 2009 11:43 am | link
I actually don’t feel dim when I tap into the dark, the macabre. I feel that when I watch or read things that most find grotesque, I tap into a hidden source of compassion and curiosity about the human condition that remains dormant until inspired by horrific thoughts.
I lend a gentler, more engaged hand to myself and others. Weird, huh?
#17 Posted by 
Isha on September 3rd, 2009 12:17 pm | link
I agree with you on what I’ve taken away as one of your main points and questions – that is, if I have read between the lines correctly. Why expose ourselves to things that only take away from us without giving anything back?
But in a sense in the end, introspection and its product realization is what was given back to you. Sometimes, for many people, exposing themselves to certain experiences is a phase. Phases come and go, we move in and out of phases. You appear to have moved out of this specific phase in your particular life through hard won self-awareness and realization. That’s the example I choose to take out of your blog post, beyond the debate about which are the correct types of entertainment to consume.
As a side note, I strongly believe that we can’t promise to shelter or protect ourselves or our children, at least not one hundred percent of the time. Pardon the poetic license here, but there really are monsters out there. Every person needs to be aware of them and show their true existence to the world, the thing is we don’t need to give them any more attention then they deserve. It’s quite a myth that humanity has built up; the one where we’ve convinced ourselves that monsters are afraid of the light because light is good. Too much light is just as troubling for clear sight as too little.
P.S. Awesome concept for a blog btw.
#18 Posted by Goddess Allsorts: Made by teeny tiny people | Goddess Guidebook | Your Guide for living a Creative & Soulful Goddess life... on September 4th, 2009 10:15 am | link
[...] I loved this blog post of hers about giving herself the space to allow her sensitivity, and reduce negativity in her life. I [...]
#19 Posted by 
alex on September 4th, 2009 6:09 pm | link
I totally agree that some movies are to much for a human to consume, thats why I don’t have a tv. I create and fix a lot of stuff while other people waist their time watching screens full of doom. Where there is light there can never be dark.
There is one movie though that i really like : countryman. It’s about a man who lives in tune with nature having an adventure.
Maybe this can chear you up.
They should create more films about true nature and light, alot of people enjoy it
#20 Posted by alex on September 4th, 2009 6:10 pm | link
sorry i ment waste
#21 Posted by 
Stana Warren on September 5th, 2009 2:34 pm | link
Kyeli,
Great blog topic. Congratulations on your work with Godddess Leonie and good luck with your 30 day hiatus.
I’ve gotten very good at avoiding negative movies and books. However, I’m having a much harder time weaning myself from the news. How does one successfully juggle staying informed while avoiding the constant rehash of negative violence and mindless fluff? NPR’s not bad but I wish there was a really uplifting source. Anyone have any recommendations?
#22 Posted by 
Ellecubed on September 13th, 2009 5:29 pm | link
Thank you so much for writing this post. It made me examine the negativity in my life and flip it on its head.
Ellecubed´s last blog ..Negativity Detox 
#1 Posted by
Nathalie Lussier on August 31st, 2009 10:49 am | link
Yes! I actually haven’t watched many movies in the last few years. Unless they’re really feel good or they make me laugh. And that’s really weird for me because I used to be a movie/TV show addict. I was really into Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and this year I watched Dollhouse. I found the violence sometimes wasn’t worth the effort of watching it.
So I totally relate to wanting to focus on the light and not so much on the darkness. For me the movie that really convinced me that “I don’t need to watch this stuff and feel this way” was the Batman one with the joker. Enough is enough, no? :)