Good news! I don’t hate men!
by Kyeli on December 7th, 2009 @ 9:30 am in
How To Be Awesome
Two weeks ago, I posted about another “The Body Sacred” epiphany on the lack of male energy in my life.
I’ve been steeping in this, sussing and thinking and feeling. Pace and I have had hours-long discussions about it, and something she said really got me going.
It’s not about men. It’s about a certain set of behaviors and attitudes.
It’s not men I fear, it’s the dominance and the brute strength, the righteousness, the violence and abuse, the tendency toward control and sex-craziness.
Those are separate from men.
They’re certainly behaviors more prevalent in men than women, both in general and in my life. But I started to realize that I can separate them from the general class of human, and put my fear/shields/walls where they belong.
The other piece to this complicated puzzle is self-trust.
I used to allow people with those behaviors in my life. I used to allow them to hurt me, control me, abuse me, and rape me. I had no self-confidence or self-worth, no understanding about how sacred I am and how sacred my body is, and no understanding on how to keep myself safe. I didn’t “get what was coming to me” or any such horrid thing, but I sure as hell didn’t protect myself and didn’t feel deserving of healthy friends and lovers who wouldn’t abuse me. I didn’t trust myself to take good care of myself because I never did.
I am not that girl anymore.
I am strong. I am smart. I have good, powerful intuition that I listen to and trust deeply. I no longer allow such people into my life, and if they sneak through, I am fully capable of protecting myself. I no longer live in fear from anything, men included.
So now, I can take those behaviors, those attitudes, and separate them from a gender. I can see them in specific people and take specific action on a personal basis. I can disentangle, see what needs to be seen, and act accordingly, instead of being afraid of every strange man I may encounter.
p.s.: still totally a lesbian. sorry, boys.
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- Abuse: both sides of the coin
- “The Body Sacred” part three: on the lack of male in my life
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6 Comments!
#2 Posted by 
Hayden Tompkins on December 7th, 2009 5:06 pm | link
{HUG}
This really does fit in so well with the control paradigm you guys talked about in the Freak Revolution Manifesto. It’s funny how we can wrestle with the same problem in so many different guises.
Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..The Controversial Way I Saved My Marriage 
#3 Posted by 
Michael on December 7th, 2009 5:52 pm | link
The control paradigm can be very powerful, that is one of the big reasons it has come to dominate the world.
But (as with any paradigm), it becomes difficult to recognize that it isn’t the only tool available.
It is great for Getting Stuff Done. But, not necessarily in the Modern, Interconnected world.
Hmmm. I mentioned “Real Men” stepping up when something needs to be done, and no one is doing it – the corollary is that you don’t step in when someone else IS doing it. This distributed nature helps the system parallel process, and isolates failure in a loose network.
But, the “isolation” is artificial in a tight network, failure affects the whole network, and pretending it doesn’t does its own damage.
So, we men have been learning new tools to better work in the Modern world, but we have the Control tool in our back pocket. Learning where and when to use it is yet another lesson.
#4 Posted by 
Johnny B. Truant on December 11th, 2009 9:36 am | link
I like to think that I had a little bit to do with this epiphany.
Johnny B. Truant´s last blog ..The most awesomest Christmas post ever
#5 Posted by 
Dave Doolin on December 25th, 2009 2:14 pm | link
We very often find what we’re looking for in others.
Look for the best in a man, and don’t be surprised when he steps up.
Dave Doolin´s last blog ..Merry Christmas from Website In A Weekend
#6 Posted by 
Damian on January 20th, 2010 12:00 am | link
Hey Kyeli – as a bloke (bloke=Aussie for man) I found this one of the most liberating, uplifting, inspiring and heart warming things I have read in a very, very long time. Thank you for being you and for sharing with us all, and with me. Thank you for using your strength, your intelligence and your intuition protect you instead of stereotypes, fear and anger – I have so very much to learn, but am so incredibly grateful for you, Pace & all the other wonderful freaks. Viva La Revolution!
#1 Posted by
Michael on December 7th, 2009 11:15 am | link
One of the usual lessons of “man-training,” is to be willing to push yourself into a vacuum. Ideally, this is for when something needs to be done, and no one else is doing it, you go do it.
Real Men ™ are guys who are good at this – others look to them to fill in the empty space and get things done.
Leaders-of-Men ™ are guys who do this with their personality – they push themselves out and fill in the space. Man-training says to let them, but make sure you keep pressing yourself outward, too. Not from competition, but so the Leader knows the boundary, and knows how to better use you.
Those are the ideals, the archetypes. Some take the Real Man image and forget that it is supposed to be about getting stuff done (stuff no one else wants to do), not getting what you want. Others take the Leader to mean they must control everything, and must crush all dissent.
Throw sex into the dominate/control paradigm we started with, and you can get a big mess.
The Man-model gone wrong can create catastrophically bad environments. But, by its top-down, individual nature, it is also one of the easiest environments to change.