The Usual Error, Chapter 7: What problem are you trying to solve?

Seth Godin’s blog post today: Are we solving the same problem?

It’s neat when different people approach the same issue from different angles.

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 30: It’s okay to have problems

Here’s another incredibly harmful lie we tell ourselves: we must be perfect to be desirable. If we’re flawed, we feel like no one will want us around. This fear makes us do what we can to hide our flaws, our pain, our troubles, our problems, and try to show the world a perfect face. This lie is powerful and insidious.

We have bought into this lie so deeply that we will often hurt ourselves internally rather than deal with the situation that’s bothering us.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 30: It’s okay to have problems (web page)

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 29: “That makes me really happy!”

Have you ever noticed how much we focus on the negative? Think about it: when someone asks you how your day went, it may be hard to remember all the good things that happened to you. They fade into the background. On the other hand, any rough or stressful thing that happened that day will linger at the forefront of your mind, coloring your perception of the day.

Readers of blogs or online journals will know what we’re talking about when we say that people are far more likely to write about the bad things in their life than the good. People often describe their journals as unintentionally displaying a one-sided, negative view of themselves.

Negative things vibrantly stand out in our minds and memories. There is a sound evolutionary reason for this: the person who clearly remembers their experience with the poisonous berries or the unpleasant events that occurred when wandering too close to a tiger’s lair is more likely to avoid them in the future, thus increasing their chances of survival. As such, we have evolved with a part of the brain that is sensitive to negative emotions, called the amygdala.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 29: “That makes me really happy!” (web page)

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 28: Verbal aikido

Do you ever feel attacked by someone? Not punched or kicked, but attacked with words, expressions, or emotions? We certainly have. In this chapter, we’ll explain how you can take the principles of aikido, which deal with physical attacks, and apply those same principles to verbal attacks as well, using verbal aikido.

There are six basic ways to respond to a verbal attack.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 28: Verbal aikido (web page)

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 27: Reflection

Communication is a tricky process, fraught with the peril of misunderstanding. Successful communication requires four separate steps. To illustrate, imagine that you and your friend Daniel are having a conversation; Daniel talks and you listen.

Step 1. Daniel has a concept that he wants to express. He translates this into words.

Step 2. He speaks the words.

Step 3. You hear the words.

Step 4. Based on your interpretation of the words you heard, you make your best guess at the concept Daniel had in Step 1.

Any one of these four steps can go wrong. Step 1 could go wrong if Daniel fails to capture his intent accurately with the words he chooses. Step 2 could go wrong if he accidentally stumbles over his words. Step 3 could go wrong if you mishear the words he spoke. Step 4 could go wrong if you incorrectly guess Daniel’s intent or meaning.

With all these possibilities for error, it’s a wonder successful communication ever happens at all! One way to make communication more successful is to add a Step 5: Reflection.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 27: Reflection (web page)

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 26: What do I get out of being right?

Our desire to be right can cloud our judgment. It can make us act harshly, unfairly, or angrily. It can even make us follow through with something we no longer want to do, simply so we can feel right. At times like this it helps to ask yourself, “What do I get out of being right?” The answer might surprise you and you might end up making a decision that will make you happier in the long run.

As with most things, it’s a matter of perspective. We’re taught that being wrong is bad and shameful. We learn to maintain an illusion of infallibility even when we’re insecure on the inside. It’s no wonder we get attached to being right — or more precisely, to being perceived as right.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 26: What do I get out of being right? (web page)

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 25: The lollipop

The lollipop is a metaphor we use to explain the nature of expectations, attachment, and disappointment.¹ We’ll illustrate it by comparing and contrasting three stories.

Claire’s Example: A Baseline

Claire has a lollipop. It’s about two hundred licks of tasty lollipop. So she’s standing around, licking on this lollipop, and eventually it’s gone. She’s eaten the whole lollipop, so now all she has left is a stick. She feels pretty happy; she enjoys lollipops, and she’s finished a good one. She feels content.

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…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 25: The lollipop (web page)

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 24: The William James zone

All the clear communication you’ve been learning can be completely muddied if you don’t communicate clearly with yourself. Part of self-communication is paying attention to your emotions and your body when you get angry. This helps stop your anger from getting out of control and muddying everything up.

When you get angry, your brain sends out signals to your body. Your adrenaline pumps and your body releases hormones. Anger prods your body, saying, “Get ready to act!” Anger is an emotion, but it’s also a physical state. Once that adrenaline starts pumping, your body becomes angry. Even if the cause of the emotional anger goes away, the physical anger is still there, and it starts a feedback loop. Your brain asks your body, “How are we doing?” Your body replies, “We’re really angry!” Your brain reacts by becoming emotionally angry in response to the physical anger, causing your brain to send out anger signals to your body again, and the feedback loop continues.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 24: The William James zone (web page)

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 23: The only way out is through

Communication is rewarding, but difficult. It takes effort to figure out your own communication style and to figure out how it differs from the communication styles of those around you. It takes work to identify and hold your boundaries and to respect others’. We feel at odds with those closest to us, even when they’re on our side. We feel trapped in the messes we create.

Sometimes, we get overwhelmed with all this and we want to stop. We want to stop talking, stop having problems, stop everything! Can’t we take a break? Can’t we just go a few days without communicating about anything important?

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 23: The only way out is through (web page)

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 22: Giving permission to disappoint

The myth of the perfect romantic relationship has inflicted a lot of damage. We see it primarily in its most common manifestation: the myth of “one true love.” It tells us to spend our early lives looking and waiting for “the one.” We hear it in movies all the time: “Could she be the one?” or “I’ve finally found Mr. Right!” The myth says that “the one” will drop into your life and be perfect for you. The two of you will fit together like puzzle pieces and live happily ever after. All your problems will be solved now that you and your soul mate have finally found each other, because you’re perfect for each other.

This is utter nonsense! People are not anything like puzzle pieces. We each have rough, irregular edges, and even the most compatible friends or partners in the world won’t fit seamlessly. There will be conflict, difficulty, and friction throughout the entire duration of even the healthiest relationships.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 22: Giving permission to disappoint (web page)