News flash: Scientists make the usual error

Jodi pointed me to this article, which basically says “Be precise in how you want your work to be used, because other people are going to make the usual error.”

Guest Post!

Pace wrote an awesome guest post about the usual error for Social Work p.r.n., a social work company based in Pennsylvania.

We were connected to them through our dear friend, Bob Poole - thanks, Bob!

OMG Daniel Quinn!

The brilliant author of Ishmael and The Story of B, two of the three most boat-rocking, life-altering books we’ve read, put a short blurb about us in his news column last weekend.

This is a big deal for us, as these two books were a huge part of what inspired us to create the Freak Revolution! We’re honored to be featured on his site.

We made a new friend!

Our new friend Tracy, of Fiercely Loved, wrote a very interesting and touching blog post about how we’re pushing her boundaries and her journey from fear to acceptance.

It’s beautiful and well-written, and managed to accidentally step on one of Kyeli’s triggers - who is currently still processing, but we’ll post a podcast about it on Monday.

Decluttering Goddesses is happening soon!

Leonie and Lisa’s course, Decluttering Goddesses, starts this Monday! It’s all about creating sacred space in your home so you can do your Work without the clutter-stress impeding you.

Kyeli is particularly excited about this course. She’s very sensitive to her environment, and clutter stresses her out big time. She’s already signed up and hopes you join her! It’s going to be amazing!

Time’s almost up to register, so why don’t you click here right now and check it out? Even if you don’t buy anything, you still get to look at Leonie’s luscious handwriting and art. (:

Here’s a taste of what’s going on in the Freak Revolution Community.

Member Tiara won third place in the New Talent category in Brisbane’s Cabaret Burlesque! Congrats and well done!

Member KN is getting ready to lead a Summer Solstice ritual for a conference of the North American Interfaith Network, which will happen on June 27th as part of a long weekend of workshops and religious services from various faith traditions. Kyeli wishes she could be a part of that; it sounds super cool.

Member Ari is going back to university after a two year hiatus - excellent! She also gets to meet her godson for the first time - he’ll be 10 months old.

Member Rachael is reading Zen to Done in hopes of finding something peaceful and helpful; we wish her luck!

What’s going on with Pace and Kyeli?

We had a schedule change last week; Dru started spending weekends with his other mom instead of Saturday through Monday, so we’ve been adjusting to that. It’s been a bit rough.

Kyeli has been working on optimizing her life. She’s been feeling stressed out and overwhelmed with the many hats she wears, so we’ve been working on a hat-rotation schedule so she can only worry about one hat at a time. A hat for everything and everything in its hat! She’s also been working on letting go of some superhuman expectations of herself that she picked up throughout her life. We’ve had ups and downs, laughter and tears. Progress (and hats) are being made, but this week has been pretty rocky in the emotional department.

Pace started Heart of Money with Mark Silver, who is amazingly awesome. She’s just into the pre-assignment, and is already 100% convinced that this course is going to change her life! (And she says “Thank you, thank you, thank you” to Kyeli for convincing her to sign up.)

And you?

That’s it for us, how are you doing right now?

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 22: Giving permission to disappoint

The myth of the perfect romantic relationship has inflicted a lot of damage. We see it primarily in its most common manifestation: the myth of “one true love.” It tells us to spend our early lives looking and waiting for “the one.” We hear it in movies all the time: “Could she be the one?” or “I’ve finally found Mr. Right!” The myth says that “the one” will drop into your life and be perfect for you. The two of you will fit together like puzzle pieces and live happily ever after. All your problems will be solved now that you and your soul mate have finally found each other, because you’re perfect for each other.

This is utter nonsense! People are not anything like puzzle pieces. We each have rough, irregular edges, and even the most compatible friends or partners in the world won’t fit seamlessly. There will be conflict, difficulty, and friction throughout the entire duration of even the healthiest relationships.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 22: Giving permission to disappoint (web page)
• Listen to The Usual Error audiobook, Chapter 22: Giving permission to disappoint (MP3)

I have major issues around obligation. I feel stressed out and burdened when I feel that I have lots of pending obligations.

I feel especially bogged down by to-do lists. I accumulate to-do items any time I think “Wouldn’t it be cool if”, and even though I put them low down on the list, the length of the list quickly begins to stress me out.

The Could-Do List

Oh! I can separate my to-do list into a to-do list and a could-do list. Could-do items are things that it might be a good idea to do, but nothing bad will happen if I don’t. I might miss an opportunity for something good, but I won’t bring about anything bad by letting it sit.

To-do items are obligations. Could-do items are opportunities.

So, Kyeli and I edited each of our project pages to have two lists on it, a to-do list and a could-do list. We like it a lot. (:

This one simple change has vastly increased my happiness and my productivity. Now I can knock my to-do items off quickly, then move on to the fun pile of awesome things that I could do.

P.S. Oh, hey, look at this. I’m not the first one to come up with the idea of a “could-do” list, but they suggest simply renaming all your “to-do” items to “could-do”. I’m all for reducing obligation, but that sounds like sticking your fingers in your ears to me. (:

Squirting lemon juice on your face makes you invisible to video cameras.

Our friend Biogant sent us a link to this video, which talks about the fact that incompetent people are often unaware of their own incompetence. It’s interesting. We all have our blind spots, but it’s scary to realize that we’re often blind to our blind spots.

This video, on the other hand, talks about the same thing, but is even more amusing.

5 Concrete Things You Can Do to Improve Your Relationship

Kyeli wrote a guest post for Out In America. You can read it here! (:

Andy Hayes

Today is a big day for our freaky revolutionary Andy Hayes. It’s his first day of self-employment as a travel writer and photographer! Let’s give him a big round of applause! (So that he can hear you over the internet, leave him a comment with *clapclapclap*)

Jonathan Mead

Andy’s not the only one! Our friend Jonathan Mead quit his day job earlier this week! Way to go, Jonathan! *clapclapclap*

Decluttering Goddesses

Our darling and dear friends, Leonie and Lisa, have joined forces to create a smashing decluttering program to help people get unstuck and cleared out. From the site:

There are adventures to be had, projects you’d love to dive into, and people you want to have time for. You want room to breathe, to think, to play. You want to shine as the amazing Goddess you are.

But you know there’s more to life than managing stuff. You know that your time and your energy and your special light are your most precious resources. And you know that life doesn’t have to be so complicated.

Are you signed up yet? Kyeli’s in!

Athena Bradford

Our friend Athena wrote a very sweet post about giving her daughter a vibrator for her 15th birthday. Unsurprisingly, a right-wing blogger took offense at this, saying “This is the kind of thing that kids end up going through years of therapy for.”

I think the poster on that blog are making the usual error. Since it would be inappropriate and possibly traumatic for their daughters (more than likely because they’ve been “properly” raised with the “sex is dirty and bad” meme), they’re assuming that it would be inappropriate and possibly traumatic for everyone’s daughters.

It’s the same as when people get all hot and bothered about nudists. Since nudity is tied to sex in their minds, they assume it would be inappropriate for a child to be around naked people all the time. But in fact, it’s completely normal and natural if the child doesn’t see nudity as sexual.

(Favor request: Please don’t get into any arguments with these folks. It won’t do anyone any good and has the potential to cause unnecessary drama.)

Toilet Lid Mystery

Night before last, I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It being all dark and scary, when I used the last of the toilet paper, I opted not to go into the garage and get more. I left Kyeli a signal - I put the toilet lid down and stood the empty TP roll on top of it.

It failed. She wound up stuck for quite a long time the next morning, getting increasingly mad at me for not leaving her a signal. We have cats, so that explains the TP roll having fallen to the floor (being knocked, no doubt), but how did the lid get raised? Neither I nor Kyeli have any recollection of raising the lid, and Dru doesn’t ever use our bathroom - and said he didn’t on the night in question.

I realize our cats are interesting, but opening the toilet? It’s a mystery, and we can’t figure it out.

A-kon

We had fun at A-kon, mostly by spending lots of time with our friends: Marty (he was all zombi-fied and terrorizing children), Megan, Kathy and her husband, and Frank and Kori.

The Kon itself was fun, but this year there was a distinct lack of anime we were interested in watching more than one episode of - which is the entirety of why we go. Kyeli’s saving her money for our Irish honeymoon, so she didn’t shop like she usually does, and Dru bailed at the last minute, having mistaken A-kon for AggieCon in his mind til the morning he was due to join us.

All in all, we came away with a single question: Does anyone know of a Netflix-like thing that’s good for anime?

Oceana

All three of us went to see Oceana yesterday. Our friend Kira is in it - the same Kira who co-taught Iron Pentacle class. It was incredible. Awesome. World-view transforming. If you’re in Austin, get thee to the Vortex! Show ends this weekend!

Your turn!

That’s it for us this week; what’s going on with you?

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 21: Trust your future self

People worry about a wide variety of things, some silly, some serious. We worry about our job security, we worry about our health, we worry about our reputations. Most of the things we worry about are at least partially out of our control. This chapter is about the other cases: cases when the problem is completely within our control!

The most obvious case of worrying about something entirely within our control is worrying about our own feelings or desires. We worry that our feelings will change and that we won’t want the same things we do now. The weight of these worries can paralyze us, stunning us into indecision and stagnation. If this happens to you, you can trust your future self.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 21: Trust your future self (web page)
• Listen to The Usual Error audiobook, Chapter 21: Trust your future self (MP3)

A friend of mine was having a conversation with a woman he’s dating, and he said to her, “I believe our relationship is as intimate as it can be.”

Stop for a moment and think about how you would interpret that sentence.

What he meant was:

“Our relationship is as intimate as it’s gonna get. It’s not going any further than what it is now.”

What she heard was:

“Our relationship is as intimate as it’s possible for a relationship to be! Our intimacy is totally maxed out! It’s at the max! It’s totally at the max!”

Can you see how you could get both interpretations? Intepretation #1 is “Our relationship is as intimate as our relationship can be for us” and interpretation #2 is “Our relationship is as intimate as any relationship can be for anyone.”

Much later, she said to him, “Remember when you said that our relationship is as intimate as it’s possible to be?” He replied, “I never said that!”

Mayhem ensued.

Since our memories store concepts, not the exact words that were spoken, each person remembered their own interpretation of the conversation.

It was difficult to reconstruct what had happened, but it boiled down to a miscommunication of that one sentence.

What would you do differently to avoid the same miscommunication?

Benji

Our friend Benji sent us a link, saying, “I don’t know if J. Jacques reads The Usual Error, or if you guys read Questionable Content… or if this is just some bizarro cross-over moment… check it out!!”

http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=858

Neat! It’s feeling considered and the veggie burger. (:

(Kyeli does read QC and is a huge fan - this strip made her giggle for hours.)

The Merch Girl

Our freaky revolutionary friend The Merch Girl thinks that burlesque can change the world. I think she’s right.

Trish

We had a 3-hour conversation with Trish Lambert about the Freak Revolution, Landmark, how to avoid letting evil creep in as the revolution grows, the Think Big Revolution, horses, and lots of other stuff.

Deb

Deb Owen wrote a great post about being too “nice”. Good stuff about fierceness and holding healthy boundaries.

Pace and Kyeli

This week has been full of ups and downs for us.

The downs

Stressful conversations about money and sex. (Unrelated conversations, mind you.) Still too raw to post about in detail.

The ups

Yesterday, we had a long talk about both issues and made good progress. Today, we talked more about both issues and made more progress, and then had good connect-y time together.

And tomorrow, we’re going to A-kon! It’s a big anime convention. It’ll be lots of fun; this is the fourth year in a row Kyeli and I have gone together, and our first year with Dru along all weekend. Dru is cosplaying as Detective Conan. (:

Our evil illustrator, Martin Whitmore, will be at the Con. He’ll have a table with the lovely and talented Megan E. Morris. Our awesome, cat-hat knitting friend, Kathy, of Platypus Dreams, will be there, too. We’re looking forward to it - we always have a blast!

OH! And I (Kyeli) went to the bank this morning, and they asked me for a second form of ID. I presented them with my Freak Revolution membership card, and they TOOK IT! It was so cool.

How’s your week been? Anything you’d like to share with us?

Each week we give away the next chapter of our book for free. We hope you enjoy it! Here’s this week’s chapter:

Chapter 20: Memory

We like to think that we have a single memory, an autobiographical history of ourselves stretching backwards into our past, from the present back to when we were very young. We understand that there are gaps and that it gets more vague the further back we go, but we still have the impression of a single fairly consistent record of time. We rarely question its accuracy. If we say, “He was there. I remember seeing him,” others will likely believe us. We believe that our eyes and ears are like video cameras, relaying sights and sounds to our brain, which records everything for later use like a mental VCR.

Memory isn’t like that at all. In truth, we have a collection of fragments and familiarities. We process only a fraction of the information our senses take in, and far less makes it into our long-term memory. Our long-term memory fades over time, leaving islands of memory in a sea of haze. What’s more, even those islands may be difficult to recall. Many of our memories lie dormant, requiring specific reminders to “jog our memories” and bring them to the surface.

…and here’s the rest:

• Read The Usual Error ebook, Chapter 20: Memory (web page)
• Listen to The Usual Error audiobook, Chapter 20: Memory (MP3)

Until last week, I used Remember The Milk to keep track of my to-do lists. We’ve posted before about how to get organized, but recently I realized that my system was stressing me out more than helping me, so I’ve switched.

What I noticed was that when planning a new project, I created a text file instead of putting it into Remember The Milk. Kyeli and I have a schedule of what types of tasks to do on each day, so I didn’t even look at Remember The Milk anymore. It had become stale and irrelevant. I had a schedule and a bunch of text files.

Observe, don’t judge.

When trying to be awesome, it helps to be descriptive rather than prescriptive.

This means to look objectively at what you’re doing rather than judging it. “Descriptive” means to describe what is actually happening, either out loud or in your head. “Prescriptive” means “telling what to do”, as in when a doctor prescribes medicine to you, she tells you what drugs to take, when, and how much.

I had been stuck in prescribing Remember The Milk to myself instead of describing what I was actually doing.

Ask why.

I looked at what I was doing, and I realized that I was avoiding Remember The Milk because it wasn’t easy to use for me. I couldn’t order the items in the list as I liked, I couldn’t cut and paste easily, I couldn’t edit and reorganize easily. Apparently that was important enough to me that I’d rather have ease of editing than all the other features of Remember The Milk.

One thing that I used to like about Remember The Milk back when I was using it was the email reminders. If there’s a time-sensitive task, I want to be reminded of it. If it’s sitting in a text file somewhere, I might forget about it.

Get to the root.

Kyeli and I talked about this, and eventually I figured out that what I need in a to-do system is:

• easy to edit
• easy to share
• easy to store and find information
• a way to keep on top of time-sensitive things

We decided to completely ditch Remember The Milk in favor of MediaWiki + a schedule.

What? A wiki?

A wiki (any wiki will do, I’m just partial to MediaWiki because I like Wikipedia) is easy to edit, easy to share (no more “but that file is on your laptop, I can’t get to it”), and easy to store and find information on. Far easier than a bunch of text files, because it has hyperlinks, which are even more flexible than nested folders.

To keep from getting overwhelmed with a huge pile of scattered to-do items, we created one main page on our wiki that lists our weekly schedule.

• Monday: current project
• Tuesday: conversion + tribe building + website
• Wednesday: learning + planning
• Thursday: blog + newsletter + coffee house
• Friday: misc + catch-up

Each of the daily items is a link to a “project page”: a wiki page with that project’s to-do items on it. All to-do items live on a project page; we don’t ever put to-do items on just any old random wiki page.

This is far better than having one huge honking to-do list, or even one huge honking to-do list separated by subheaders. The advantage is that each day, we only have to look at a to-do list of a manageable size, because we’re only thinking about one or two or three projects each day. The rest can wait until their day comes. Of course there are always urgent things that need to be done quickly, but most things can wait up to a week.

On each project page, we put the to-do items with deadlines at the top of the list, with the deadline in bold. At the beginning of the work day, we review the project to-lists for the day’s projects, and we make sure to complete all the tasks that are due within the next 7 days.

Any to-do list is useless if you never look at it.

Of course this system wouldn’t work if we didn’t stick to it, but it’s been pretty easy to stick to so far. We like the wiki, so we like to look at it and update it throughout the day. We use it for storing information as well as to-do items. And most importantly, we established a routine. Each day, we say to each other “What are we going to do today?” and we look at the wiki together. It’s working really well!

In fact, it’s working so well that I’ve gotten down to zero emails in my inbox for the first time in… EVER. I’ve had an email address for 14 years, and this is the first time I’ve had a to-do system so good that I didn’t need to store to-do items in my inbox as well.

How To Be Awesome

While I was working on all this to-do list stuff, I realized that the pattern I used to work through it was pretty much the same pattern I use for self-work, for relationship issues, for business decisions, and all sorts of other stuff.

1. Notice that something isn’t right or could be better.
2. Observe without judgement.
3. Keep asking why until you get to the root.
4. Come up with a solution to the root problem.
5. See how it goes!

Okay, we’re a little scatterbrained today. It’s the cusp of a three-day weekend, after all.

As the headline suggests, so many neat things kept popping up today, we decided to throw them together and add a follow-up to this morning’s first Community Update to include them all.

Did you become a social worker to change the world?

Bob Poole wrote another awesome article about the Freak Revolution. This time, I was flipping out while Pace read it aloud to me, devoutly hoping that it ended with someone who was either already a FR member or who would be by the end of today (Bob’s a member, so it all worked out). It’s incredibly cool.

Project Mojave & The Liberation Manifesto

Johnny Truant and Jonathan Mead and a bunch of other cool people (like Dave Navarro) have gotten together and are doing incredibly awesome things. Things like a 3-month course to get people out of their day jobs and into their dreams.

The last chance to be a part of it is today, so we couldn’t wait to share this tidbit. We think it’s going to rock. (: Check it out here. (Warning: video starts playing automatically, and is difficult to shut off.)

Also, Jonathan Mead wrote a really fucking awesome kick-ass manifesto, which we highly recommend you read.

Clutter Clearing

The sweet, darling Lisa Baldwin is doing a clutter clearing course, starting Monday, which will help you organize your stuff so you can get shit done.

And you’ll like working with Lisa. She’s one of our favorite people - and a fellow Freaky Revolutionary.

and, late-breaking news from the personal lives of Pace and Kyeli…

Our landlord, awesome dude that he is, gave us a full week off our rent this month for all the inconvenience of dealing with the mold and the ensuing repairs and guys trekking in and out of the house at odd times and having our cabinets ripped out and our cats terrorized.

Sweet!

Okay, that’s really it this time.

Have a fabbity fab fab fabulous marvie-darvie Memorial Day weekend (or minus Memorial Day, depending on your country and your choice). We’re gonna go spend some money on something fun! (Well, Kyeli is. Pace will hoard her half. After we split the cost of dinner.)

Ta!