I did it, I did it! *dancing*

After three somewhat grueling hours of tinkering, futzing, Gooooooogling, reading, downloading, installing, re-installing, and uninstalling, interspersed with occasional short bouts of crying, hair-pulling, pacing, and breathing, I did it!!

I got my new MP3 player to work with Ezmerelda!

The drivers don’t work. Vista refused to acknowledge the player at all. Everything I downloaded failed to help, every troubleshooting path I followed led me nowhere. I was even tinkering with the scary permanent depths of my computer!

Finally, I found a link to an article that linked to a page that described what to do (with no links), Goooogled that and found another article that linked to a troubleshooting article that linked to a different page with a firmware update, requiring me to use a computer with XP (Pace’s laptop was, fortunately, at my disposal) to reformat the player, which then successfully got Vista to recognize the player as a viable device.

I’m transferring nearly 6Gs of music as I type! I did it, I did it, I did it!

I am insufferably pleased with myself. A few months ago, I would have given up in tears and returned Blueberry, but today – today she’s mine, loaded up with music.

To celebrate, we’re going to lunch and then to buy blue earbuds to match my brand-new blue MP3 player!

Woot!

About two weeks ago, Ragen and Pace and I had many conversations regarding the present and future of Cloud Nine Staffing, and mutually decided it was best to go separate ways. We worked out an amicable separation, and finished the hand-off this afternoon.

We have now officially stepped away from Cloud Nine.

The primary reason that motivated me in this decision is simple: I realized that, if Ragen came to me now in my current situation and asked me to be her business partner, I would turn her down. I am not capable of being a full-time mother for an unschooler and a full-time business owner and maintain sanity. Additionally, C9 is in a place where it really needs two full-time people able to work hard and focus, and while I was certainly devoted to the success of the business and believed in the mission, I am unwilling to put my work before my kid or my Pace.

I am sad to step down. I really loved C9 and really believed in what we were doing, and I will miss being part of such an awesome company. Toward the end things got a little rough, which makes me all the more sure that this is the right path for all of us, but all in all, it was an excellent year.

I do, however, feel that this was by far the best thing for me and my son and wife. I’m also looking forward to a long, healing vacation – after which Pace and I will start something new and amazing together.

Historically, I smallenate myself, especially when confronted or questioned. I don’t offer ideas or thoughts or opinions, even when I have them in spades. I short-sell myself and short-circuit myself. I don’t stand up for myself, even if it makes me miserable. The opinions of others are more valuable than mine, especially if I feel like that other is better than me, either in general or in specific.

I’ve been trained to be small, because being small makes it easy to manipulate me, keep me down, and fill me with fear.

Today, I was writing an email to Marty, with whom I am collaborating on an art project. He asked if I had any ideas, and I responded with “I don’t have any ideas…” but then proceeded to write a paragraph of ideas. My initial response, deeply ingrained in me, was no – I’m not smart, I’m not creative, I have nothing to contribute – even when my contributions are requested and valued.

Another artist friend recently contradicted me when I said I wasn’t creative, because she saw in me creativity I express without awareness. My awareness was trained to hone in on the negative, on the lack, instead of on the fullness of myself.

But more and more these days, I find myself feeling and being creative, offering ideas, voicing those strong opinions I previously locked in, standing up for myself and not agreeing to things that go against my grain, being less and less afraid (and persisting more in the face of the fears that remain) – honoring my bigger self within.

In the lovely lyrical words of John Mayer:
Someday I’ll fly
Someday I’ll soar
Someday I’ll be so damn much more
Cause I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for…

I think my ’someday’ is now.

There are a lot of things I used to think I couldn’t do, and now I know I can.

In just the past week, I’ve really learned to futz (a valuable skill), I’ve switched numbers from phone memory to sim memory and back again, I’ve read my new phone manual and learned how to use my phone (mostly), I’ve cooked on several occasions and not fucked it up, I’ve functioned well even when pretty darn sick to get important work done, I’ve been alone and found it pleasant, I’ve been social, I’ve stayed home by choice, I downloaded software and learned how to use it, I’ve researched and found it non-horrible, and I’ve taken care of myself in a whole new way.

I find myself stretching and pushing against limitations, and often finding that they aren’t my limitations. How interesting! How exciting!

I just bought myself a new laptop. Her name is Ezmerelda and she’s a gorgeous red.

Originally, the company was to pay for her. But as I load and unload, customize and adjust and settle in, I realize that she really needs to be mine. She’s my first big purchase after taking my life from an unhealthy situation and making it my life.

She’s power and independence and love and strength and magick and technomagick and mine.

So, how bout that? I just bought myself a new laptop. *squee*

Taking myself out of the boxes I put myself in, I find my core, my real self, and realize I like me a lot.

All I have to do is face fears, be aware, listen, and be me. Healing is happening within, gradually, and new, healthier patterns are emerging, emotionally, spiritually… and physically.

I like this self-work stuff! Growing and learning and changing and becoming… I didn’t know it would work physically, too!

I’m not technophobic anymore! Woot!

Pace called me on it last night when I mentioned being nervous about using the laptop. I said, “It’s cause I’m technophobic, remember?” She said I had no other signs of ever being such, so I said I’d think about it.

And, lo, this morning, I awakened with the knowledge that I am no longer afraid of technology! I used to be, big time. But I realized that it’s now just stale, used as a cover for laziness; instead of figuring out how my laptop works, I’m ‘afraid’ of it. Instead of figuring out how my new phone works, I’m ‘afraid’ of it.

Well, I won’t be having with that, either.

Yay!

Over the past few months, I have been more frequently facing my fear.

I learned recently, quite suddenly, that most of my fear springs from an old, stale defense mechanism. I learned at some point that being afraid makes people listen to me. If I say, “This situation is causing me a lot of fear and pain”, it is extremely likely that my parents/partners/friends/whatever will stop and pay attention to me.

I’ve always had very strong intuition. I can peg people, places, and situations fairly accurately, and am seldom wrong. But I have always felt like, if I said, “My intuition is telling me this is a bad situation”, I would be ignored, but using ‘fear and pain’ is pretty much guaranteed to grant a full stop. In fact, I can remember as a child, telling my mom something (many things; it happened more than once) didn’t feel right, and her saying I was being ridiculous or that I was spouting nonsense… but if I was really afraid to go somewhere or talk to someone, she would listen. It became a completely subconscious way of dealing with the world around me; it was so deeply ingrained that I was really startled to figure it out!

And, it’s actually a form of manipulation, even though it is very honest; I really am feeling afraid.

Well, now. I won’t be having with that. (:

I now feel empowered to overcome this, in and of and for myself. Both of my wives have promised to listen to my intuition, which further empowers me to use intuition-based reactions rather than fear-based reactions, when there is no need for fear. I am surrounded with friends and loved ones who trust me and love me, and that even further empowers me to step away from fear into myself.

Less than a year ago, I underwent a very profound transformation. I discovered myself, and decided I really liked who I saw underneath all the fear and pain. I shucked it off, and have been growing and developing and changing pretty fluidly ever since. It’s been a long road, but one well worth the time and effort I’m putting into it, because I’m becoming me!

And you know what? I like me! I’m happier and stronger and more secure than I’ve ever been in my life, and it’s wonderful.

However… Lately I’ve been hurting and upset, because I’ve lost three (or four, depending on how you count) friends in as many months. Since I’ve only been My Own Person for less than a year, I began to think there was something wrong with me, and it hurts and has me shedding tears on a pretty regular basis.

I was discussing this with a friend yesterday, and she said something surprising. She said that sort of thing happens to her, a lot. Since I am extremely fond of her, this puzzled me greatly, so we discussed it.

There is a common thread with the three (or four) people whom I’ve lost lately. They each, in their own ways, are not strong, not secure, and not well-formed people in their own right. As I talked with Reesa about this, she pointed out that people who aren’t strong and secure tend to feel very threatened by those who are.

That’s when it clicked. That’s the problem – them, not me. I am strong and secure, I feel good about myself, I like myself. I’ve worked really hard to be who I am, and I am constantly under construction; there is always potential for improvement. I’m pretty consistently monitoring myself for traces of old or new non-healthy patterns, fears, etc. I can no longer even imagine a life where I remain static… and I’m not good yet at appreciating those who choose to remain static.

So, these three people are fairly static, resistant to change, not really into self-work or self-examination, and dislike communication… and now they’re no longer friends of mine, but not by my choice. I fought to keep them, all three of them, and I cried to lose them.

People fear strength in others. The ability to change, to grow, to actually be strong and powerful in one’s own self is extremely intimidating to those who do not believe it is possible for them to do the same. There is also fear from lack of understanding, and fear from lack of control. If I am powerful in and of myself, I might not need you, and I certainly won’t let you control me. These things are frightening to those who lack them. It is a barrier to friendship and connection, but one I think I’m going to learn to accept.

One way to be strong, live well, and successfully fight fear is to surround oneself with those who are also doing those things, after all.