Two months ago, I was constantly terrified.

Sometimes I was able to bury it under the surface, but it would rear its head at horrible times. I would fight with Kyeli about personal and business expenses, and I would randomly flip out in terror of what might happen if the Freak Revolution wasn’t profitable enough soon enough.

Would we lose our house?

Would we have to give up all our comfort and fun things?

Would we have to eat nothing but rice and beans?

Would we have to leave Austin?

Would I have to go back to work full-time at my day job?

Today, I’m at peace.

Well, maybe not at peace, but certainly much farther along on my journey toward finding peace. Still some fear, still some worry, but no more abject terror, no more flip-outs, and no more horrible fights about money. Kyeli, back me up in a comment here? (:

What changed?

Two words: Mark Silver.

I’ve been taking the Heart of Money course, and even though I’m only halfway through, it’s already having a profound effect on my relationship with money.

It doesn’t stop there.

In addition to transforming my relationship with money, it’s also affecting me on a deep spiritual level. I’m learning humility.

Isn’t that one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse?

I know, I know, I’ve always been pretty egotistical. Empowerment bordering on hubris is a valuable trait for an entrepreneur. It’s like Michelangelo said:

“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.”

But I’m learning that it’s possible to be empowered while still being completely powerless. To explain how, I’ve first got to talk about three different forms of relationships.

Codependence → Independence → Interdependence

Relationships often move through three phases.

In codependence, you depend on others to the exclusion of yourself. You are not a whole person; you’re completed by someone else.

In independence, you are self-sufficient. You are a whole person, empowered, not relying on others. Many modern cultures, especially Western cultures, idealize this phase.

In interdependence, you are self-sufficient but you choose to engage in healthy interactions with others. You are a whole person, and you trust and depend on other whole people in ways that benefit you both.

It’s easy to mistake codependence for interdependence. Heck, I once made that mistake for three years. They’re both forms of dependence, and they look the same on the surface.

Being the Universe’s bitch vs. being the Universe’s bitch

(a subtle distinction)

What I’m learning from the Heart of Money class is that one’s spirituality, one’s relationship with the Divine (or God, or Goddess, or the Universe, or Source, or what have you) also moves through these three phases.

In codependence, you are God’s bitch. That touchdown you just made? God did that. You deserve no credit. You give up all your power and your responsibility to the Divine, keeping none for yourself. Those negative circumstances you find yourself in? You don’t move a muscle to get yourself out. You tell yourself “It’s God’s will” and accept your lot in life.

In independence, you don’t need God. You don’t need spirituality or religion. You’re an atheist or agnostic. You keep all your power to yourself and take all responsibility for yourself. Those negative circumstances you find yourself in? You take action to change them, on your own.

In interdependence, you are God’s bitch. That touchdown you just made? You couldn’t have done that without your God-given gifts. You recognize that all power comes from the Divine, so you claim no power as your own, but accept the responsibility of stewarding it. Those negative circumstances you find yourself in? You use the power you’re stewarding to change them, but if you cannot change them, you accept them as they are, telling yourself “It’s God’s will”.

Eat me like candy.

Codependence and interdependence look awfully similar, don’t they? But really, a more accurate summary of codependence would be that God is your bitch. The Universe is your scapegoat, your ultimate buck-stops-there excuse. Take, for example, this poem by Rumi:

Your prayer should be, “Break the legs of what I want to happen. Humiliate my desire. Eat me like candy. It’s spring, and finally I have no will.”

Sounds like being God’s bitch, right? Sounds like codependence? Nope. Rumi is actually talking about spiritual interdependence. He’s talking about the simultaneous freedom and terror you experience when you realize that the feeling of control you felt in the phase of independence is an illusion.

But this doesn’t mean you’re giving up your power and responsibility, it just means that you’re not claiming them as yours alone. There’s a saying from the Feri tradition:

“Self is God and God is Self and God is a person like myself.”

In “giving up” your power to the Divine, you’re actually bringing it back to yourself in a purified form.

The Heart of Money Transformational Journey

Mark Silver doesn’t actually talk about being God’s bitch in the Heart of Money class. This is my own work that was triggered by the issues we do talk about in class, which cover things like getting in touch with your heart, finding out what spiritual lessons your relationship with money is trying to teach you, learning to face your assets and liabilities, and that sort of thing.

The Heart of Money work is straightforward when you do it, but it causes these deep ripples that change you in tectonic ways.

One thing Mark said that really stuck with me is:

“Imagine you had a partner, and you spent 30 minutes a week kissing her so she wouldn’t leave you, then saying, ‘Sheesh, I’m glad that’s over with.’ That’s not a healthy relationship. It’s not going to grow. But many people have that exact relationship with their bills, and they expect their money to grow. They don’t realize that their financial situation is not going to change unless their relationship with money changes.”

You want to get in on this before July 31.

Mark recently told me that he’s now offering the Heart of Money course as a home study! I’m super excited to share this with you. This has been the single most effective thing I’ve done to change my relationship with money — to stop the fear, the worry, and the flip-outs. Which is in turn changing things in our business, not just for the better, but for the awesomer!

It was hard for me to decide to sign up. I had to push past the very same money-fear issues I wanted to solve in order to buy it. Kinda paradoxical. But I did push through (with oodles of love, support, and persistence from Kyeli), and it was the one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Seriously. It’s been that important for me.

They’re having a sale where the Heart of Money Homestudy is like 50% off or something ridiculous if you pre-order before July 31st. So I encourage you to check it out now before the price goes up. Mark Silver is an amazing human being, and I stand behind him and his work one hundred percent. (He’s even on our sidebar of Revolutionaries!)

Click this link: Heart of Money Home Study

And since I’ve been quoting so many famous people in this post, I’d like to end with a quote from the immortal Martin Whitmore:

“Yes.”

Pace and I have opposing money issues. She hoards, I spend. Mayhem often ensues.

I’m not a wild crazy stereotypical debt-accruing wife.

I’m the House Maintainer, the Logistical Manager, the Caretaker, and the Errand-Runner. I get groceries, make sure we all have clothes that fit and shoes that are comfy, keep track of eye exams and dental appointments, doctor and vet visits. I make sure Dru’s education needs are met, that he gets to take classes when he wants (when feasible), that he gets workbooks and videos. I make sure our entertainment needs are met, that we get to see a movie now and then and get to eat out on occasion, and that we’re spending quality time with our friends.

Also, my primary love language involves gift giving and receiving, so it’s important for me to be able to spend money on that from time to time as well.

But we were having major money issues. All the time.

Our biggest problem, the one thing we fought, argued, bickered, and discussed more than anything else in our lives was money. We made budgets, we made agreements, we made promises. We fell apart and reworked things and tried again and tried harder. We yelled, we cried, we struggled.

And then I solved it.

I solved it by admitting I couldn’t solve it.

One night, we had another major money battle. We were facing off; Pace was on one couch, arms crossed, eyebrows down, anger in her eyes. I was on the other, arms crossed, trembling, frustrated tears running down my face. We’d been at it for an hour at least, and I was getting weary and heartsick.

Then I took a deep breath and burst into tears. “I can’t do this alone. I’m addicted to money, I’m addicted to spending, and I’ve got all this responsibility but no power and am constantly feeling like I’m stealing from you!”

Immediately, Pace was on my couch, arms around me. We were on the same team, me and her against the problem. I cried for a good twenty minutes, and she simply held me. After I wept it all out, we started talking.

We talked until we came up with a plan.

We talked and talked and talked. We thought and thought. We discussed, we planned, we compromised, we discussed.

See what was missing? We didn’t argue. We didn’t bicker, we didn’t fight, no voices were raised. Not even for a moment, not even once.

As soon as we realized we were on the same team, we started acting like it. And it made all the difference. But we couldn’t have gotten there had I not admitted that I have a serious problem. I asked for Pace’s help, she promised to help me, and we went forward together.

I grew up in an environment where money was invisible.

We always had it. We ate out all the time, my brother and I never wanted for anything, and I never heard my parents discuss it or argue about it. The only thing missing was education; I had no idea how to manage money. I didn’t learn it when I moved out on my own, either. I would spend rent money on a trip to the movies and eating out, and then panic when I didn’t have rent money.

Over the past few years, I’ve gotten considerably better. But our budget had holes in it, and I wasn’t careful at times, and it all added up to constant strife between me (the spender) and Pace (the hoarder). It was difficult to see the problems because I’m responsible for the family spending, but we figured it out.

Our solution is cool. And annoying to the bank.

We switched to cash.

Now, every week, I go to the bank and withdraw the week’s spending money (groceries, gas, education, well-being, etc). I divvy it up and put each section in a compartment in my awesome accordion wallet.

This way, it’s impossible for me to overspend. When we’re out, we’re out. End of story. We wait til the next week for anything else. For myself, I opened my own checking account for my personal spending money, and I keep close track of that with the help of an app on my handy-dandy iPhone.

And I learned a cool thing.

Money isn’t real to me if it’s not cash.

When I’m paying for things in cash, I get it. I grok that I’m giving away our money, the money Pace works hard for in the mornings and we work hard for together in the afternoons. It’s real, and I really get it.

When I’m paying with a credit card, it’s all just numbers. Math. Invisible. Endless! We’ll never run out of numbers!

But we will run out of cash. All-too-soon, if I’m not careful. I can see it dwindle from my wallet. I can see the compartments get emptier every time I buy something.

And you know what? I haven’t run out of a single section yet.

Two weeks in, nearly three, and I’ve still got carry-overs from the previous weeks.

At first, I was accountable by giving Pace receipts for everything. But we quickly realized that wasn’t even necessary, because I can’t go over. I’ve made promises not to withdraw money without talking to Pace, and I won’t break those. I’ve given up all my credit cards. And I deal only in cash.

In the end, it was realizing that I had a problem that solved the problem. I can’t solve what I don’t acknowledge, no matter how hard I try – and I tried hard. Over and over and over. But as soon as I admitted it, when I owned up to it, I solved it.

And things are already huge lots better, and improving all the time.

I use eating out for three main things:

1) celebrating
2) rewards
3) financial security

We eat out to celebrate anything from getting a little return from our insurance to getting our blog in the top million. We eat out to celebrate with friends, family, or just us.

I get the desire to eat out to reward myself for various things, and most of the time when I ask, Pace consents. We usually go to my favorite places when this is the case, so it feels very rewarding indeed.

When I was little, my family went out to eat weekly or more, even after my parents got divorced. When I was out on my own, I often couldn’t afford to eat out. Then, when Pace and I got married, our financial situation improved drastically, and we started eating out a lot. This ingrained in me that financial security equals eating out a lot.

A few months ago, I started eating vastly healthier and far less in portions. This has led to internal dissonance – wanting to eat out for my three reasons, but not wanting to eat poorly or overeat. Even in Austin, it’s difficult to find places to eat that fit my strange food habits. And then, as our grocery bill climbs (healthy food is more expensive because that makes sense (sarcasm)), eating out becomes less and less attractive to our budget as well… but the three needs haven’t magically gone away for me.

Today, Megan and I were talking about this. She said she used to have the exact same three things, and she solved it brilliantly, and I will now regale you with the solutions.

1) celebrating
2) rewards
3) financial security

1) Celebrating can be done at home! We can celebrate by inviting friends over and cooking together – someone can bring something interesting to drink, someone can bring dessert, and we can make a meal to share. Sharing food with friends does not have to be done in a restaurant! In fact, I imagine that sharing food prepared by myself with friends would be even more rewarding and celebratory than sharing food in an outside atmosphere.

Oh! In fact, we can even celebrate without inviting friends over! We could have special meals we rarely have, light some candles, take time to discuss our celebratory intent, and really make it feel special and different!

2) Rewarding myself by eating food that actually makes me feel sick seems counter-productive. Megan suggested finding something I really enjoy that’s either a little too expensive or a little too sweet for regular consumption, and get that when I feel I’ve done something to deserve a reward. I think this is fucking brilliant.

3) As I mentioned, buying healthier food does wind up being more expensive. Why not take that expensive eating out and turn it into those healthier groceries? Having financial security provides us with good, healthy food that makes us feel good, food we want to eat and enjoy eating!

I am really looking forward to implementing these awesome ideas. We’ve already burned through our food budget for September, but starting October 1st, we’re going cold turkey (with three exceptions). We’re going to try eating in for 30 days, implement all the above ideas, and see how it goes!

I’m really excited about it!