Trembling with anticipation, my fingers manage on the third attempt to get the tiny key in the lock. There, under the unimportant leaflets vying for my attention is the small white square I so fervently hoped to find – a package awaits me in the office.

Detoxing has taken a lot from me; I am weak and tired, and the day is hot. The sun beats on my skin like hot metal hammers. Even so, I make the walk, going the long route to avoid as much of the sun’s rays as possible. Steps match my heartbeat, both filled with hope and happy nerves.

A new face in the office greets me, slowing my quest. I’m not permitted to rifle through the packages to find mine; she takes the slip from me and makes slow work of what I could do so quickly. Twice, with increasing impatience, I must remind her of my name; finally, I crouch down and point to the one on top with my name bold on the label.

She hands it to me. I instinctively wrap my hand around it and put it to my heart. She makes pleasantries with me and I go through the motions, but my mind is noting the size of the box – perfect for a CD. It is, it’s here, I’m holding it in my hand.

A moment later, outside, walking again toward home. I run my key through the tape and release the contents of the box. Her face on the cover, trees and birds and water and her gorgeous face, and time slows to give me ample chance to savor the moment.

I move slowly, remove the CD from the box, running my fingers over the plastic. I had no idea at the start of the year that she was producing another CD this year, no clue that I would have her lyrics to guide me through this turbulence and sharp rapid change. My heart soars with this gift from my soul sister, knowing that her songs, her music, her words are here in my hands, a moment’s stop from my heart.

Every set has been a gift, every CD finds me in similar places with similar feelings. What this one will bring, I can only imagine. Tears spill down my face as my heart fills with the knowledge that this will be our greatest journey yet.

A gift from the universe with perfect timing for this month of emptying, now I have music to further guide my soul to the places from which I will refill.

At the library today, I found ‘A Childhood Remembered’, which is my favourite CD of all time. I’ve had five copies of the cassette and three copies of the CD, which I either gave away or wore out completely. Now I have the songs on my computer in MP3 format, mine forever. *happy sigh*

I first found this music when I was thirteen in a pagan shoppe. I’d recently discovered my lack of Christianity and was scared and thrashing and not knowing what to do and seeking. I didn’t know anything about anything. My best friend played a track from this song on the store’s music player, and I was calmed and entranced, lulled. I bought the cassette and began a journey that day.

I listened to this nearly every night for something like four years. This is the music I played as I learned to drive. This is the music that soothed me to sleep during some of the scariest, roughest nights I faced as a young blossoming adult. This is the music I played for my unborn babies for the duration of each pregnancy. This is the music that I whistled, hummed, sang, and danced.

With the exception of Alanis, this is the music that has been the most prominent soundtrack of my life.

I did it, I did it! *dancing*

After three somewhat grueling hours of tinkering, futzing, Gooooooogling, reading, downloading, installing, re-installing, and uninstalling, interspersed with occasional short bouts of crying, hair-pulling, pacing, and breathing, I did it!!

I got my new MP3 player to work with Ezmerelda!

The drivers don’t work. Vista refused to acknowledge the player at all. Everything I downloaded failed to help, every troubleshooting path I followed led me nowhere. I was even tinkering with the scary permanent depths of my computer!

Finally, I found a link to an article that linked to a page that described what to do (with no links), Goooogled that and found another article that linked to a troubleshooting article that linked to a different page with a firmware update, requiring me to use a computer with XP (Pace’s laptop was, fortunately, at my disposal) to reformat the player, which then successfully got Vista to recognize the player as a viable device.

I’m transferring nearly 6Gs of music as I type! I did it, I did it, I did it!

I am insufferably pleased with myself. A few months ago, I would have given up in tears and returned Blueberry, but today – today she’s mine, loaded up with music.

To celebrate, we’re going to lunch and then to buy blue earbuds to match my brand-new blue MP3 player!

Woot!