Until last week, I used Remember The Milk to keep track of my to-do lists. We’ve posted before about how to get organized, but recently I realized that my system was stressing me out more than helping me, so I’ve switched.

What I noticed was that when planning a new project, I created a text file instead of putting it into Remember The Milk. Kyeli and I have a schedule of what types of tasks to do on each day, so I didn’t even look at Remember The Milk anymore. It had become stale and irrelevant. I had a schedule and a bunch of text files.

Observe, don’t judge.

When trying to be awesome, it helps to be descriptive rather than prescriptive.

This means to look objectively at what you’re doing rather than judging it. “Descriptive” means to describe what is actually happening, either out loud or in your head. “Prescriptive” means “telling what to do”, as in when a doctor prescribes medicine to you, she tells you what drugs to take, when, and how much.

I had been stuck in prescribing Remember The Milk to myself instead of describing what I was actually doing.

Ask why.

I looked at what I was doing, and I realized that I was avoiding Remember The Milk because it wasn’t easy to use for me. I couldn’t order the items in the list as I liked, I couldn’t cut and paste easily, I couldn’t edit and reorganize easily. Apparently that was important enough to me that I’d rather have ease of editing than all the other features of Remember The Milk.

One thing that I used to like about Remember The Milk back when I was using it was the email reminders. If there’s a time-sensitive task, I want to be reminded of it. If it’s sitting in a text file somewhere, I might forget about it.

Get to the root.

Kyeli and I talked about this, and eventually I figured out that what I need in a to-do system is:

• easy to edit
• easy to share
• easy to store and find information
• a way to keep on top of time-sensitive things

We decided to completely ditch Remember The Milk in favor of MediaWiki + a schedule.

What? A wiki?

A wiki (any wiki will do, I’m just partial to MediaWiki because I like Wikipedia) is easy to edit, easy to share (no more “but that file is on your laptop, I can’t get to it”), and easy to store and find information on. Far easier than a bunch of text files, because it has hyperlinks, which are even more flexible than nested folders.

To keep from getting overwhelmed with a huge pile of scattered to-do items, we created one main page on our wiki that lists our weekly schedule.

• Monday: current project
• Tuesday: conversion + tribe building + website
• Wednesday: learning + planning
• Thursday: blog + newsletter + coffee house
• Friday: misc + catch-up

Each of the daily items is a link to a “project page”: a wiki page with that project’s to-do items on it. All to-do items live on a project page; we don’t ever put to-do items on just any old random wiki page.

This is far better than having one huge honking to-do list, or even one huge honking to-do list separated by subheaders. The advantage is that each day, we only have to look at a to-do list of a manageable size, because we’re only thinking about one or two or three projects each day. The rest can wait until their day comes. Of course there are always urgent things that need to be done quickly, but most things can wait up to a week.

On each project page, we put the to-do items with deadlines at the top of the list, with the deadline in bold. At the beginning of the work day, we review the project to-lists for the day’s projects, and we make sure to complete all the tasks that are due within the next 7 days.

Any to-do list is useless if you never look at it.

Of course this system wouldn’t work if we didn’t stick to it, but it’s been pretty easy to stick to so far. We like the wiki, so we like to look at it and update it throughout the day. We use it for storing information as well as to-do items. And most importantly, we established a routine. Each day, we say to each other “What are we going to do today?” and we look at the wiki together. It’s working really well!

In fact, it’s working so well that I’ve gotten down to zero emails in my inbox for the first time in… EVER. I’ve had an email address for 14 years, and this is the first time I’ve had a to-do system so good that I didn’t need to store to-do items in my inbox as well.

How To Be Awesome

While I was working on all this to-do list stuff, I realized that the pattern I used to work through it was pretty much the same pattern I use for self-work, for relationship issues, for business decisions, and all sorts of other stuff.

1. Notice that something isn’t right or could be better.
2. Observe without judgement.
3. Keep asking why until you get to the root.
4. Come up with a solution to the root problem.
5. See how it goes!

The other night, I had a weird food experience. I ate half a bag of Doritos, most of which I consumed well after I stopped wanting them. I mulled on this for a long time, trying to figure out why the hell I’d eat so much junk, especially after I stopped wanting it.

I think I figured it out. I think it was a starvation reaction.

My system has adjusted and now expects whole, alive, nourishing sustenance. When I fed us junk devoid of nourishment, my body panicked, thinking no goodness would come of the food I was ingesting and went into overdrive, needing to consume as much as possible in an attempt to scrounge some kind of life-sustainability from the chips. This created a need to continue eating them even well after I was consciously ready to stop, because my body was afraid of starving. I didn’t get full, either, because that kind of “food” doesn’t actually get processed and turned into anything useful, so it was being shuffled out as fast as I was putting it in.

When I eat life-giving real food, I get satisfied and only eat when I want to and can stop when I want. I don’t panic and don’t wonder why I’m eating so much, because I’m not eating so much. But every time I eat foods that aren’t as nourishing, I get that feeling and end up eating far more than I wanted, and far more than I needed, and I get over-full and feel icky.

Food is so interesting and exciting!! Our bodies are so amazing and interesting!

Lately, I’ve been depressed and overwhelmed, and not doing a whole heck of a lot. I can’t seem to muster the energy to do much more than play with my son, spend time with my wife, cry, whine, and mope. I’m even finding it difficult to edit our book or futz about in Triiibes, both of which I’m very excited about… in theory.

Yesterday, I got teary and frustrated about this situation, so Pace and I talked about it. She said I’ve been acting small – saying “I can’t” a lot, and getting easily discouraged and frustrated.

She’s exactly right.

I’ve embiggened myself physically; I’m getting up and exercising 20 minutes a day, 6 days a week and I’ve made radical changes to how and what I eat, and that’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I’m physically weary a lot of the time, covered with minor but irritating aches and sorenesses. I’m dealing with hunger and random wacky cravings as my body detoxes and adjusts to the lack of crap we’re used to getting.

It seems as though I have a fixed amount of big available, and right now, mine’s going to my physical goals – I’m focusing on my physical state and am thusly unable to focus on anything else. But come on, people don’t quit their jobs to lose weight! How do other people do this on top of a normal life? How can I continue to achieve my very important goals without sacrificing the rest of everything?

I’m not sure yet, but I’m sure I can figure it out. By the gods, I have a lot to do and the clock’s a-ticking.

At the beginning of July, I launched into a new way of life.

At the end of June, Pace and I read a really awesome post on motivation. This got the two of us thinking and talking quite a bit, and Pace made a post about the fundamental equations of motivational alchemy and another one about the power of habits (and there’s a third one yet to come!).

I found that I am particularly drawn to soft self-discipline and hard self-discipline. I thought about what I want out of life, what I want to do to achieve those goals, and set some rules in place.

I’ve really adhered to the hard rules I set, even surpassing them. I’m really pleased and I feel like I’ve come a long way.

In July, I exercised at least five days a week (sometimes more). I missed four days in a row due to ankle weirdness, but made it every day on either side of the break – even though the break put me back in the dip. I started paying attention to what I eat, culminating in eating tiny meals every two to three hours and much healthier foods.

As a result, I’ve lost 10 pounds! More excitedly, I’ve lost 5½ inches in my waist, 1¾ inches in my upper arms, and 1 inch in my hips!!

I’ve never lost more than 5lbs. I’ve gone up and up and up, but never down. I cannot describe the joy I’m feeling!! (:

It has been hard. I’ve been sore nearly 24/7, tired a lot, and exhausted for the past couple of days. Yesterday I didn’t think I could finish my workout, but I did, and today was easier. My endurance is up, my self-esteem and confidence are up, and I’m feeling really good. I’m really happy and extremely proud of myself! Woo!

I have learned an AWESOME two-part system for easily accomplishing long-term goals.

Part one: I ask myself: “Is this more important than accomplishing my goal?”, or a more clear and personal example: “Is eating this ice cream more important to me than losing weight?”

I find the answer to almost always be, “No.”

When the answer is no, I don’t do it! I’ve given myself the power to remember my long-term goals when my short-term wants are flashing in the moment.

Part two: making my long-term goals concrete. It’s nearly impossible to strive for a goal that’s vague and distant, especially in the face of a real and present short-term want, but making my long-term goals specific makes them not only more attainable, but more real in the moment. It’s in the moment that I have trouble choosing long-term over short-term, and this has made it not only possible, but easy!

So what do I do if I ever answer “yes”? It happens – I’ve found that occasionally the answer to “is eating this ice cream right now more important than losing weight” is yes; ice cream is my #1 comfort food, and like everyone, I need comfort sometimes.

I solved this by finding very low-fat frozen yogurt: I can eat an entire pint and take in less calories than a candy bar, and actually I can no longer physically consume an entire pint. I usually eat about 1/4th of one at a time, which I find to be totally acceptable, and it fills that comfort need that invokes the feelings in the first place.

Another example is that sometimes I really want a break from exercising. Again, I’ll consider if a break is more important than my goals, and if the answer is yes (this is extremely rare, but it does happen), I’ll go for a walk or a swim or something that day instead of the more hardcore exercising I usually do.

So, my method of dealing with these rare yeses is to find things that don’t do as much harm but still feed whatever need is presenting itself.

These combinations are incredibly powerful. This has helped me make real and measurable progress on goals I never believed I could accomplish. I’m really excited and happy!!

I baked a cake! (The Boy helped!)

It was super-yummy!

This is the first thing I’ve ever made from scratch that didn’t turn out icky in some way. I’m extraordinarily proud of myself!!

I’ve been overcoming externally inflicted limitations a lot recently, and this was a BIG one. I’m really proud and pleased and excited to be constantly proving to myself that the only thing that limits me is me.

*dances* I can cook, I can bake, I can spell, I can do math, I can sing, I can chill, I can be happy, I can do whatever I want. I rock!

I am alone, laying in bed, re-reading ‘American Gods’. I brace myself as the part that scares me most approaches, and the dead woman comes to talk to her husband. I get through the scene, frightened, and this time I pause my reading to examine the fear fresh in my still-racing heart.

Why am I so afraid of this scene? Laura is dead, but animated… but not particularly zombie-esque. More vampiric, actually, and vampires don’t scare me. The imagery clearly suggests she clawed her way out of the grave, and that certainly scares me… but this feels different. Bigger. What is this fear?

This is the fear of death, quietly stalking my every move. The deep-seeded fear of death, silent and backgrounded, creepily crawling across my subconscious.

A long pause in my exploration as I let this sink in, test the waters to see if this resonates true. It does, resounding in me and sending shivers up my spine. I give it much thought – why am I so very afraid of death? No answers, but the realization that this fear has become second nature to me, has been in my heart of hearts for many turns of the clock. No beginning; it stretches back into my past.

Eventually, the shivers pass and I groggily give up the process for sleep.

The next morning, I break open my current life-changing non-fiction book for to read a few pages while my beloved tinkers on her computer. The book tells a story to illustrate a point, and this is what I read:

“On Monday, Hans returned to his law office in Century City, LA’s posh corporate haven, and promptly handed in his three-week notice. For nearly five years, he had faced his alarm clock with the same dread: I have to do this for another 40-45 years?

Immediately, a strange shift began – Hans felt, for the first time in a long time, at peace with himself and what he was doing. He had always been terrified of plane turbulence, as if he might die with the best inside of him, but now he could fly through a violent storm sleeping like a baby.”

Tears pouring from my eyes, and I grok in fullness. Death stalks me and fuels my fears because I am failing to live my life as my heart needs to live! Life is precious and fragile, and I have wasted so much of it, spent so much of my life doing the wrong thing, on the wrong path, in the wrong marriage, ignoring my intuition and my dreams, doing instead what others wanted or expected even when it went loudly against my own needs or desires. I’ve been reasonable and rational instead of magickal and intuitive. I’ve disrespected and dishonored myself, lost my self-esteem and self-respect.

I spend excited moments flailing about and reading aloud to Pace, somehow managing to get the words out through the knots in my throat. She cries, too, and in our tears we vow to make our life what we want, to listen to our dreams and be irrational and loud and go against the grain, and most of all, be true to ourselves and each other.

I feel the fear unraveling in me even now, as I begin to open and listen to myself, my intuition, and my dreams.

I am in an *awesome* mood.

I’m going to dinner tonight with some of my best friends in all the world, and I scored a fabulous dress to wear!

I am on the couch with my gorgeous happy wife. We are both happier today than we’ve been in a year and a half, and what changed? Our perspective. We stopped stressing and started moving!

I am so happy and in such a good mood that I’m infecting others. A man at HEB and I talked about daffodils for five minutes. We both decided to get ourselves some – and we both bought our wives bouquets of roses. Totally awesome. The dressing room attendant at Ross said I turned her day around after I complimented her smile, and the clerk at Ross said it was nice to have an actual conversation with a customer that was pleasant after all the grumps she’s dealt with all day.

When I’m happy, I glow, and it makes others remember to shine. I love it.

Historically, I smallenate myself, especially when confronted or questioned. I don’t offer ideas or thoughts or opinions, even when I have them in spades. I short-sell myself and short-circuit myself. I don’t stand up for myself, even if it makes me miserable. The opinions of others are more valuable than mine, especially if I feel like that other is better than me, either in general or in specific.

I’ve been trained to be small, because being small makes it easy to manipulate me, keep me down, and fill me with fear.

Today, I was writing an email to Marty, with whom I am collaborating on an art project. He asked if I had any ideas, and I responded with “I don’t have any ideas…” but then proceeded to write a paragraph of ideas. My initial response, deeply ingrained in me, was no – I’m not smart, I’m not creative, I have nothing to contribute – even when my contributions are requested and valued.

Another artist friend recently contradicted me when I said I wasn’t creative, because she saw in me creativity I express without awareness. My awareness was trained to hone in on the negative, on the lack, instead of on the fullness of myself.

But more and more these days, I find myself feeling and being creative, offering ideas, voicing those strong opinions I previously locked in, standing up for myself and not agreeing to things that go against my grain, being less and less afraid (and persisting more in the face of the fears that remain) – honoring my bigger self within.

In the lovely lyrical words of John Mayer:
Someday I’ll fly
Someday I’ll soar
Someday I’ll be so damn much more
Cause I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for…

I think my ’someday’ is now.

There are a lot of things I used to think I couldn’t do, and now I know I can.

In just the past week, I’ve really learned to futz (a valuable skill), I’ve switched numbers from phone memory to sim memory and back again, I’ve read my new phone manual and learned how to use my phone (mostly), I’ve cooked on several occasions and not fucked it up, I’ve functioned well even when pretty darn sick to get important work done, I’ve been alone and found it pleasant, I’ve been social, I’ve stayed home by choice, I downloaded software and learned how to use it, I’ve researched and found it non-horrible, and I’ve taken care of myself in a whole new way.

I find myself stretching and pushing against limitations, and often finding that they aren’t my limitations. How interesting! How exciting!