Our culture values open-mindedness highly. “You’re very open-minded” is a compliment, and “You’re so closed-minded” is an insult.

Today, I’m going to turn the tables. I’m going to talk about how great it is to be closed-minded.

Being closed-minded is great because we are made of meat.

Being open-minded means being willing to have a rational discussion about something you disagree on. But people aren’t rational; we’re made of meat!

People believe that they do things for a reason, but that’s not actually true. People do what they want to do, then make up reasons for it after the fact.^[1]

Being closed-minded is great because everyone is.

Being open-minded means being willing to question your beliefs. But everyone has beliefs that are so strongly held that they’re unwilling to seriously question them.

For example, would you be willing to let someone try to convince you that rape is good? That the sky is green? I’d bet your patience would wear thin pretty fast, and it would be a total waste of everybody’s time. Everyone is closed-minded about something.

Being closed-minded doesn’t mean closing off all connection.

Being open-minded means being willing to connect with anyone who wishes to present you with a different point of view. Connection is wonderful, but you can live a life of connection without connecting with everyone, and without taking advantage of every opportunity for discussion, sharing, or understanding.

Being closed-minded is great because it holds healthy boundaries.

Being open-minded means being willing to listen to others’ points of view. This requires giving others your time and attention. It’s perfectly fine to choose not to share your time and attention. It’s your time, your attention, and your choice.

It’s the usual error; just because open-minded people choose to spend their time opening up to others’ points of view doesn’t mean others wish to or are obligated to.

Being closed-minded is great because there is no one right way.

Being open-minded is highly valued in this culture because it is a culture of science. Science says that an objective reality exists, that true answers to questions can be known. I don’t believe that. I believe that reality is subjective and individual. I believe that real life is like Mage. I believe that there is no one right way to live. I believe in following my heart.

You may believe differently. That’s cool.

You may believe in one objective reality and think that I’m living in a fantasy world. That’s cool.

You may wish to explain to me why I’m being unreasonable. But I won’t argue with you, because I live in a fantasy world. (:

One of our readers asked:

“Do you have some ideas for how to work your communication ideas into a relationship, when the other person thinks you sound like crazy new-age hippies? Or how to even bring up the topic of open communication in a relationship, when there aren’t any specific problems, but you think you could be communicating a lot better?”

Good question!

I suggest first trying the direct approach, then if that doesn’t work, being more subtle (but without being manipulative).

The Direct Approach: Be a Communication Pirate

Be direct and straightforward. Ask for what you need. (Swearing, peg legs, and longing for a life on the sea are optional.)

“Hey honey, what do you think about improving our communication in our relationship? I don’t think anything is wrong, but it might make things even better.”

“Sounds like crazy new-age hippie crap to me.”

Yeah, that’s a bit of a roadblock. Buying your partner a copy of our new-age hippie-crap book is probably right out, too. (: Another common roadblock we’ve seen is:

“Hey honey, what do you think about improving our communication in our relationship? I don’t think anything is wrong, but it might make things even better.”

“If nothing is wrong, then everything’s fine, right? If everything’s fine, then there’s nothing to fix. So don’t worry about it.”

Communication can be scary.

Communication can be a scary subject. Deepening communication could mean digging up some things that have lain buried for a long time. It might mean you’ll be getting emotional. It might mean you’ll be doing some introspection. It might even mean that your relationship will become more intimate and that you will be — don’t say it — vulnerable.

Why is it scary for you?

To get past these roadblocks, it’s best to go to the roots instead of putzing around with the branches. What does “new-age hippie crap” mean to you? Why do you find it uninteresting or distasteful? What stereotypes do you have about new-agers or hippies? Or crap, for that matter? (;

What’s so scary about trying to make things better even though everything’s fine right now? Are you afraid that our relationship might sink if we rock the boat in any way? Why are you worried about that? Is it because of some other issues between us?

Or is it because it’s scary to dig things up inside yourself? Is it because it might take you outside of your comfort zone into the scary realm of vulnerability? Is it frightening that you’d be taking more responsibility if your inner workings were more transparent?

Be on the same team.

Be supportive and loving. Be on the same team — you and your partner working together to solve these mysteries and support each other. Don’t be an interrogator — I know I sounded a bit like I was giving you the third degree in the above paragraphs.

Try using “I” statements. Talk about how communication has improved your life. Talk about what you find scary about it and how you are working through it.

Plunder the Booty!

If it does work, and your partner opens up to the idea of improving communication skills, individually and with each other, then that’s wonderful! Steal as many useful ideas as you can get your hands on (ours are free for the plunderin’) and share them with your partner. Be sure to introduce them in a positive way that improves both of your lives, so your partner will be glad they opened up to communication.

However, I could be making the usual error with these suggestions. I’m talking about getting past roadblocks to communication with… communication. If your partner is resistant to communication, then the direct approach may not work well. In that case, you may wish to try…

The Subtle Approach: Be a Communication Ninja

If your partner isn’t interested in improving their own communication skills, you can try the subtle approach. You can still work on your own communication, and hope that some of the changes catch on.

“Hey honey, I know you’re not interested in all this new-age hippie communication mumbo-jumbo for yourself, but I’d still like to improve my own communication skills, and that will affect the way the two of us communicate. If it becomes an issue, let’s talk about it, okay?”

At this point, it becomes a matter of boundaries. Do you want to carry the communication burden for two people? How much extra communication responsibility are you willing to take on? Ask yourself this question and listen clearly for an answer. Check with yourself every once in a while to make sure you’re not setting your boundaries out too far and taking on responsibility you’re not happy with.

But to the extent you’re comfortable with, you can…

Work new concepts into conversations.

We find the catchy names like “the usual error” and “the William James zone” to be very helpful in remembering important communication concepts and calling them to mind in useful situations. But if your partner doesn’t want to work on their communication skills, then talking about the concepts without naming them might be more useful.

Instead of saying, “Oh, I think I just made the usual error,” you can say, “Oh, I accidentally assumed that you would react the same way I would have reacted.” Instead of saying, “I’m just stuck in the William James zone, please give me a few minutes,” you could say, “I’ve got adrenaline and angry juice flowing through my veins, it’s nothing personal, I just need a few minutes to let it run its course. I need to let my body calm down before my emotions can calm down.”

This idea of working new things into conversations and hoping that others pick up on them is similar to a technique used in unschooling called strewing. Leave interesting things lying around in the hope that your child will play with them. An important difference is that your partner is not a child, and so there’s a fine line to walk…

Don’t be manipulative.

We’re not suggesting that you be an evil ninja. We’re suggesting that you be a good ninja. Don’t hide your ulterior motives. Come right out and say it.

“I know you know this, because we talked about it before: I’m interested in improving our communication in our relationship. I know you don’t want to change your own communication style, and I respect that. I’m changing my own communication style mostly because I want to for myself, but I want to be totally open and above board with you — I’m hoping you’ll like some of these changes and pick up on some of these things too. I just wanted to let you know; I’m not trying to be sneaky about it.”

Make it a positive experience for your partner.

When you do work new communication techniques into conversation, be sure to do so, at least at first, in ways that make your partner’s life better. Instead of excitedly pointing out, “I think you just made the usual error! This is great, this means this argument is probably just a miscommunication,” bite your tongue. Wait until you make the usual error. Then you can say, “Oh, I think I just made the usual error. We can work out this argument much more easily now, because I think it’s probably due to a miscommunication and a mistaken assumption on my part.” It’s the same principle behind “I” statements. Your partner is much less likely to react defensively when you point out something about yourself.

Avoiding needless conflict and resolving arguments peacefully are good things. If you can use your newly acquired communication skills to introduce more peace, harmony, and goodness into your relationship, maybe your partner will reconsider their opinion on this new-age hippie crap.

That’s about all I’ve got for now. I hope this helps. (:

“We said we would look into other conference call sites, but we didn’t,” said Kyeli.

“We haven’t yet,” I interjected.

Mayhem ensued.

I had stepped on one of Kyeli’s landmines; she feels that I don’t acknowledge the differences between our concepts of time. For me, “now” is the current instant, but for her it’s the whole current day. “We didn’t” versus “We haven’t yet” triggered this landmine of time once again. And the reason I felt the need to interject was because Kyeli had accidentally stepped on one of my landmines; my insecurity about failing to Get Stuff Done.

Once we talked through our feelings and triggers, we got to a place where we could explore our differences without anyone getting blown up. We found some interesting things.

“didn’t” vs. “haven’t”

For me, “We didn’t do this” implies that it’s now too late. There was a time to do it, and that time has passed. “We haven’t done this” implies that it’s not yet too late.

For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing. It’s not yet too late.

“I didn’t open it” vs. “I haven’t opened it”

Let’s say we’re conversing about some event in the past, for instance my trip to Finland, and I’m telling you about a present I received while I was there. If I say, “I didn’t open it,” I mean that I didn’t open it during my trip to Finland. But if I say, “I haven’t opened it,” that means that not only did I leave it closed during the Finland trip, it’s still closed now.

For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing. It may or may not be open now. Now if I had said, “I haven’t opened it yet,” that would mean it’s still closed now, but “I haven’t opened it” is still ambiguous to her.

“I didn’t visit my family” vs. “I haven’t visited my family”

Imagine it’s nearly the end of the year. If you say, “I didn’t visit my family this year,” I’d be really surprised if you then go and buy last-minute plane tickets. But if you say, “I haven’t visited my family this year,” I wouldn’t be surprised, because for me the present perfect tense (e.g. haven’t) indicates potential openness whereas the simple past (e.g. didn’t) indicates closedness and finality.

For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing.

The usual error strikes again!

Our miscommunication was, of course, caused by the usual error. I was using my definitions of words and tenses to interpret Kyeli’s words, and she was using her definitions to interpret my words. I’m glad we got to the bottom of our miscommunication, because I feel closer to Kyeli now that I’ve learned something new about how she sees the world, and I find our different viewpoints on time and tense really interesting.

We’d be interested in hearing your viewpoints, too. (:

Hey everyone,

I wrote a guest post for Assume Love. It’s about miscommunication, the usual error, and assuming love. Check it out!

The Assume Love blog has a lot of good stuff about keeping committed relationships healthy. If you’re into that sort of thing, you might enjoy the other posts as well. (:

Kyeli in front of a teeth whitening kiosk at the mall

Teeth whitening, I thought to myself. Isn’t that something usually done in a clean, sterile dentist’s office, not a kiosk in the middle of a crowded mall?

I don’t care how much it costs. I don’t care how white these smiling people’s teeth are. I want to hear from the trustworthy dentist who says this is safe, clean, sterile, and professional. I want to see a picture of a dentist saying that this setup is just as good, just as safe, and just as professional as her setup at the office. Then I want to look up and see that same dentist on site, taking care of her patients.

When Havi was looking for an acupuncturist, none of their websites answered one of her big questions: “Will I have to take my clothes off?”

I don’t care if it’s fast, effective, and affordable. I want to know if it’s safe.

The marketing folks likely made the usual error. The question “Is it safe?” didn’t enter their minds, so they didn’t address it in the marketing for their teeth whitening kiosk. Heck, I may be making the usual error too. I may be the only one who would think about that, and so it’s not worth it for the marketers to cater to me if I’m just one person. To me, it feels like you’d be doing a medical procedure in the middle of a mall, which seems like a bad idea. Maybe most people think of it more like a teeth cleaning or brushing than a medical procedure.

My point is that it’s important to know your audience. This applies to everyone, not just marketers. If you’re having a conversation with your partner, if you’re in a meeting with your boss, if you’re talking with a friend — they have different concerns than you do. They’re coming from a different place. They care about different things. They’ll react differently than you would in the same situation.

Put yourself in their shoes. It will go a long way toward avoiding the usual error and fostering clear and effective communication.

It’s our first podcast! It’s a mini-podcast: a four-minute overview of the usual error, and we hope you have as much fun listening to it as we had recording it! (:

Podcast 001: the usual error

Recently, Kyeli was upset because her installation of AVG told her that she had to upgrade to a pay version or else she wouldn’t be allowed to use her free version anymore. She was angry, and felt like she had been betrayed by AVG. It turned out to be a false alarm, but some of the hurt feelings persisted.

The same thing would have happened even if AVG had had a disclaimer on their site for years, saying “We are giving this away for free, but as of July 2008 we will begin charging.” Enough users wouldn’t read it, wouldn’t know about it, or would forget about it, that their feelings would still be hurt.

Kind of like the Zero/One/Infinity rule, there’s a big difference between free and non-free. People are far more likely to be upset by a change from free to pay than by a price increase. This is something we’re currently talking about a lot for The Usual Error. We want to give a lot of the material away for free via lots of media, and we also want to make The Usual Error be our career. And so we may end up charging some nominal amount for certain products or services that we might have otherwise given away for free, just to avoid the AVG Effect.