Well, Kyeli made a brave, honest post about abuse, so I’ll do my best to make my own brave, honest post about abuse. This is based on yet another epiphany I had during Iron Pentacle class and now feels like a good time to share it.

I’ve been on both sides of abuse. I’ve been the abuser, and I’ve been abused. Not so much with the physical abuse, and not even so much with the verbal abuse either, but definitely with the emotional abuse. Pressuring, manipulation, pushing to see how much you can get away with, that sort of thing.

But in Iron Pentacle class, when we were talking about the point of Power, we split up into groups and formed stop-motion statues to illustrate words like “oppression” and “victim”. Then someone said something about gender roles, and it hit me — all my abuse-giving was when I was male, and all my abuse-receiving has been while I’ve been female.

What the hell does that mean?

That I’ve deeply internalized these gender roles, and when I transitioned to female, some part of me said, “Okay, time to start letting yourself be pushed around now”?

That it’s entirely coincidental, and just happens to coincide with when I did a lot of personal growth?

I don’t know.

But what I do know is that both sides of the coin suck. Abuse is gilded Power, and being abused is rusted Power. Either you’re taking someone else’s power away (not good) or you’re letting your own power be taken away (also not good.) The middle ground is fierceness and holding healthy boundaries. Standing firm in your own power while not infringing on others.

It’s like I’m going through the classic thesis / antithesis / synthesis steps. I abused others, overreacted when I realized what I had done and let myself be abused, and am now in a nice happy place with no abuse either way.

It’s hard to talk about abuse. If you say you’ve been abused, people look at you like you did something to deserve it. If you say you’ve been an abuser, people look at you like you’re a monster.

But if we can’t talk about it, how can we learn?

In Iron Pentacle class, we explored the point of Self. Part of this involved stripping away all our roles. Wife, mother, daughter, entrepreneur, witch, scientist, lesbian, bisexual, poly, and so on and so forth. Stripping it all away to see what Self is underneath. Who am I when I’m not being myself for someone else?

All of a sudden, WHOA. I realized that “female” is yet another role. People feel like it’s an intrinsic part of themselves, and in some sense they’re right, otherwise there’d be no transgender people, but in another sense it’s not true at all.

Take me, for instance.

Six years ago, I identified as male. There I was, boy Pace, bopping along, doing my thing. I have friends, I have girlfriends, I have a job.

Then *BOOM* something hits me, I have a massive gender avalanche, and now I identify as female. So I take steps to shift my body and my gender role from male to female.

There, look! I said “gender role”. It has “role” in it. Gender is a role!

It’s a mask we put on when we interact with people. It’s a set of assumptions and scripts about how we expect others to act and how we’re expected to act. For instance, when I was wearing the boy mask, I went to the men’s bathroom and it wasn’t okay to chat with other fellow bathroomers. Now, when I’m wearing the girl mask, I go into the women’s bathroom and it is okay to chat with my co-bathroomians.

Male and female are roles that we play.

Whether it’s socially okay for me to talk in the bathroom has nothing to do with my Self. But whether I’m happier playing that role versus playing a male role does have something to do with my Self. One is comfortable for me, and one was unimaginably uncomfortable for me.

When I transitioned from male to female, everyone started treating me differently, because I was switching gender roles, and roles tell people how to treat you. But I was basically the same person. In other people’s heads, there was this switch that got flipped. One day, I’m boy Pace, and the next day, I’m girl Pace. But from my point of view, one day I’m me, and the next day I’m still me. My core sense of self didn’t change when I changed my gender role.

One day, I’m having heterosexual sex with my girlfriend. The next day, I’m having lesbian sex with my girlfriend. Same girlfriend, pretty much the same me, and kinda-different-but-not-entirely-different sex, but the labels change as if I had crossed a huge chasm.

It’s like clothes.

I can wear bellbottoms or I can wear slacks. On any given day, whether I’m wearing bellbottoms or slacks doesn’t change who I am. My pants don’t define me. Heh. That would be a pretty funny thing to say out of context, so I’ll say it again.

My pants don’t define me.

But I do have a fashion sense, and what I prefer to wear is part of my Self. So if I really really prefer bellbottoms to slacks, I’ll change, even if it costs $30,000 and is very physically and emotionally painful. (;

This metaphor is silly.

Pants are easy to change and gender role isn’t. But I hope you get my point. That there’s a difference between your core Self and the roles that you play. And that a lot of things you might take for granted as part of your Self, like for instance “I’m male” or “I’m female”, might be, at least partially, just roles.

People are people.

Before I transitioned, when I’d meet someone, I’d immediately say to myself either “I’ve just met a man” or “I’ve just met a woman.”

Now I say to myself “I’ve just met a person.”

Because when you get down to it, past all the stereotypes and all the bullshit, people are people.

Okay. I’m done talking now. Your turn.

What roles do you play in your life?

Which parts of yourself are core parts of your Self, and which parts of yourself are just masks that you take on and off?

Being an entrepreneur is like being transgendered.

No, seriously. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about here. (:

First, you need to think really hard about what you want.

Becoming a new gender? Becoming a new business owner? First you’d better be sure that you’re following your heart. Search deep inside to make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.

Once you know what you want, you’ll do whatever it takes to achieve it.

There are lots of obstacles to both entrepreneurs and transgendered people, especially low-income transgendered people. But when you know what you want and are passionate about achieving it, you’ll do your best to overcome each and every one of those obstacles.

You’ll need to become good at learning new things.

Estradiol. Progesterone. How your body will change. The thrice-bedamned Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. How to find a good therapist. Surgery. How to come out to friends and family. How to come out at work. How to come out to someone you’re interested in dating (or are already dating). Clothes. Makeup. You can talk in the restroom now! Eye contact. Speech patterns. How to change your voice. How to change your body language. Sex. Orgasm. Social gender roles. How to be a lesbian. How to date women as a woman. How to be bisexual. How to date men as a woman.

Accounting. Distribution. Fulfillment. Marketing. Permission marketing. Tax law. How to incorporate. Social networking. Blogging. Podcasting. Vidcasting. Skype. Pricing. SEO. Web design. Wordpress plugins. Marketing copy. How to tell people about awesome stuff without being annoying. How to make friends with awesome people without being annoying. How to ask for help. Self-publishing. Business planning. E-commerce. Credit card machines. Referral/partner programs. How to find a good venue.

You will recreate yourself, and it will be painful.

When I transitioned from male to female, I created a new social persona for myself, one that better fit my internal self-concept. My friends and family had gotten used to interacting with Boy Pace for 20-odd years. When I became Girl Pace, I changed in many ways, although in many ways I stayed the same. Everyone’s social expectations were flummoxed because I no longer fit into the same social role. It was uncomfortable and awkward, both for me and for everyone else. I would sometimes spend less time with my friends who had a hard time adjusting, to avoid having my feelings hurt due to male pronouns, social awkwardness, and feeling misunderstood. This shift was difficult and painful. I spent more time with some of my new friends who hadn’t met me before I transitioned, because I didn’t have to deal with their old, stale expectations. Also I hung out with several other trans people because we were interested in talking about similar things.

Becoming an entrepreneur was surprisingly similar. I created a new social persona for myself, one that better fit my internal self-concept. In this case, my self-concept shifted from “a smart, creative computer geek” to “a passionate, effective lightworker who turns her dreams into reality.” My friends and business associates had gotten used to interacting with Geek Pace for almost 30 years. When I became Lightworker Pace, I changed in many ways, although in many ways I stayed the same. Everyone’s expectations were flummoxed because I no longer fit into the same role. It was uncomfortable and awkward. I would sometimes spend less time with my friends who had a hard time adjusting, to avoid becoming demotivated or depressed by negativity, because we shared fewer common interests, and because I felt misunderstood. This shift was difficult and painful. I spent more time with some of my new friends who hadn’t met me when I was Geek Pace, because I had more in common with them and we were interested in talking about similar things. More of my new friends were also entrepreneurs and lightworkers, whereas my old friends were living lives more like Geek Pace’s life that I had joyously left behind.

You will face your fears.

What if I turn out to be an ugly girl? What if my family disowns me? What if I don’t have what it takes to make this happen? What if I can’t do it because I don’t have enough money? What if I go broke? What if all my friends hate me? What if I lose my job? What if I lose the respect of my friends and peers? What if someone uses male pronouns for me in front of everyone? What if they laugh at me? What if I look ridiculous? What if they see through me and realize that I’m terrified? What if I lose my true self in a jumble of newly practiced body language and speech patterns? What if my voice is too deep? What if no one will want to date me? What if no one will accept me as I am? What if no one will love me?

What if no one wants to buy what we’re selling? What if no one finds our services valuable? What if no one cares? What if I don’t have what it takes to make this happen? What if I go broke? What if I get a lot of flak and negative comments? What if someone criticizes me in front of everyone? What if they laugh at me? What if they see through me and realize that I’m terrified? What if I lose my true self in a jumble of dollar signs and business plans? What if I lose my friends because I accidentally turn them into networking acquaintances? What if I burn out due to overwork? What if I fail because I don’t work hard enough? What if no one likes what I have to offer? What if no one likes me?

You will fail without self-knowledge and inner strength.

These fears will eat you alive if you let them. The only way to succeed is to truly know yourself — to grow into a person who is knowledgeable and self-confident enough to be able to handle those fears. Let your fears inform you, thank your fears for guiding you to a touchy spot, and then dig in. Figure out what the root cause of your fear is, and then use that as fertilizer for personal growth. Grow bigger than your fears. Embiggen and destuckify! (:

Entrepreneurship and gender transition are crash courses in fear-facing. Your issues will come up. Your landmines will be stepped on. Your triggers will be triggered. Each of these disasters is an opportunity for growth. (“Another fucking opportunity for growth”, as my friend Reesa says.) If you can maintain a positive attitude even through the toughest challenges, if each time you fall down you learn a little more about how to get back up, then your self-work will eventually manifest in outward success.

I wish you the best on your path of becoming.

Today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance, which is set aside to remember trans people who were killed because of transphobia or prejudice against transfolk.

It’s good to raise awareness of the fact that trans people are being killed simply for the crime of being who they are and expressing who they are. That’s simply horrible, and it’s good to show the world that horrible things are happening; we can’t solve a problem if we don’t even know the problem exists. It’s good to raise awareness of trans issues in general; the more familiar something becomes, the less likely others are to fear it. All this is good. But I want to provide a counterpoint to all that. Here is my offering for the DoR.

This is the story of my transition from male to female. This is a story of a transwoman who wasn’t murdered for being who she was, but is instead living a very happy and very fulfilling life. Let’s try to make the world a place where more stories can be like this one instead of like these.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m happy to be a girl. You know, most days I take it for granted, and that’s a damn shame. Because you know what, it’s a fucking miracle! It’s like something out of a fairy tale! And it’s real, totally real, right here, really happening.

There was a time when I would daydream about how nice it would be to be pretty. An unattainable fantasy, I thought at the time, just an idle daydream. WRONG! My dream has come true. I’m not just pretty, I’m beautiful! Holy living fuck! How is this even possible?! It’s amazing! It’s truly amazing.

Your body contains the blueprints for both a male version of you and a female version of you. With a change in one single hormone (or maybe two), your body would shift from one to the other. Not 100%; there would still be a couple of things that would require some external tweaking, but about 70% or 80%. Think about that. Think about the potential that your body contains. You contain both male and female, but you’re (probably) only expressing one of them. But the potential is inside you, locked away by hormonal balances.

We’re all just people. Men, women, boys, girls, intersex, transgender, cisgender, we’re all just people. If there’s one thing my transition has taught me, it’s that. Because I was male, and then I was female, but I was still the same person. We’re all just people.

For me, becoming female (or, more precisely, moving into the female gender role) was like a set of puzzle pieces all falling into place. There were a whole bunch of things that used to feel subtly wrong that suddenly started feeling right. Being able to talk in the restroom. Smiling at other women as we pass by. (Did you notice that men don’t do that?) Being able to talk about my emotions and being able to cry without social stigma. Hugging other women without awkwardness. Being able to casually touch another woman on the arm while we’re talking, and have it be taken as a gesture of friendship and connection rather than as something potentially creepy or off-putting. Being able to be nice, kind, and complimentary to others without being perceived as a sexual predator. There were all these things that I was never fully aware of until they all changed for me. And it felt really right.

It’s amazing to have been on both sides (and the middle!) of the gender fence. It’s really incredible to have seen all these gendered aspects of culture from multiple perspectives. Sometimes I feel like a double agent, like a gender spy. (: But I’m not out to take sides; I just want us all to understand each other. Because we’re all just people.

Being trans can be really tough. Transition is no cakewalk, that’s for sure. There’s oodles of social stigma, prejudice, hate, and other crappy crap. But that’s not the whole story. Being trans is also amazing. It’s an incredible, magickal journey across a line that most people don’t even know is possible to cross. I’m Pace, I’m proud to be trans, and I’m happy to be a girl. (: